The Idler, Friday, February 28, 2020

Tally-ho!

The chase

is on!

TOMORROW the fellows need to be smarter than a fox. And the hunting idiom is appropriate. It will be February 29, Leap Year, the day gals pop the question to the lads and the lads are not allowed to turn them down – or are heavily punished if they do. Tally-ho, the bridegroom!

In Ireland (where it originated) a man who turns down a girl's marriage proposal has to buy her a silk gown. Similar punishments are prescribed all over Europe and America.

It began, they say, in Ireland in the 5^th century when a nun named St Bridget made a deal with St Patrick the patron saint, that women should be allowed to propose marriage once every four years on Leap Day. St Bridget had been getting complaints from women that their menfolk were too shy and nervous to pop the question.

But there are other theories. They say that in England in the early days the law didn't recognise February 29 or anything that happened on that day. So it was a case of anything goes – the gals were free to pounce. And if the fellow refused, he had to buy her new gloves on Easter Day.

.Another theory: Queen Margaret of Scotland put in place a law allowing women freedom to propose during a leap year but fined any man who refused them. But fair's fair. The proposer had to wear a red petticoat to warn the guy of what she was up to.

It's all lost in the mists of time. All the same, fellows, be wary tomorrow of girls in red petticoats, not to mention damsels dropping from the rafters in places like the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. Refusing their proposal could cost you a case of Guinness.

 

 

Queensland Reds

ANOTHER Leap Year occasion – the Sharks vs Queensland Reds tomorrow. This should be another humdinger, the opposition a notch or so higher than last week.

The way the Sharks are playing, anything's possible. The pack have settled after the unfortunate early heebie-jeebies. The threequarters are the most adventurous and exciting in the competition.

How marvellous if they can pull it off and return with three wins out of four.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

 

 

Derbyshire wonder

ONLINE pranksters are playing havoc with the tourism industry in Ilkeston, Derbyshire, in England.

They keep raving on the local TripAdviser platform about the architectural and artistic beauty of "The NatWest Hole" – a circular hole in a wall outside a bank, placed so that ATM users can check that nobody is lurking in the vicinity. The NatWest Hole has now been propelled to one of the top five attractions in Ilkeston, according to Sky News.

Examples:

·       "I could easily compare it to the majestic wonder of Stonehenge or even the Pyramids."

·       "I've seen the Great Wall of China, I've seen the Eiffel Tower, I've been to the Grand Canyon, but the NatWest Hole has to be the most awe inspiring structure I have ever seen!"

·       "A one-of-a-kind architectural masterpiece that draws visitors from near and far".

Such fun. But TripAdviser has now announced it is freezing contributions on The NatWest Hole.

The wags win.

 

Tailpiece

PADDY and Mick are standing at the cliff-edge, each holding a budgie. They jump. They end in a bruised and bloody heap below.

Says Paddy: "You know, dis budgie jumpin' ain't as much fun as dey make out."

Last word

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted. - Albert Einstein

 

The Idler, Wednesday, February 26, 2020

Police chief

bows out

in style

 

DRAMA in New Hampshire, in the US. The small town of Croydon has always had a one-man police force. For the past 20 years that man has been a fellow named Richard Lee, rightfully titled the police chief.

But then the three-person town board decided to disband its police force and move to 100% coverage by the New Hampshire State Police, according to Huffington Post.

Lee was present at the meeting where this was decided, and he was told to turn in the keys to his vehicle, his guns and his uniform.

At which he proceeded to strip in front of the chairman.

"I gave them my uniform shirt. I gave them my turtleneck, I gave them my ballistic vest. I sat down in the chair, took off my boots, took off my pants, put those in the chair, and put my boots back on and walked out the door."

He walked outside into a snowstorm. He'd got about 2km in his boots and underpants before his wife picked him up in their car. Somebody must have phoned.

Lee is now consulting an attorney, but I'd say he's already won the moral victory.

We trust that our metro police management will not get ideas from this. Okay, snowstorms are unlikely but we don't want to see metro cops walking about Old Fort Road in their boots and Y-fronts after disciplinary hearings.

 

 

Shark repelled

A NEW Zealand surfer was attacked by a great white shark, but saw it off with a punch in the eye and a well-known bar-room expression meaning "Go away!"

Nick Minogue, of Auckland, was bitten at Pauanui Beach, according to Sky News.

"I was just paddling along and got hit on the side of my elbow and forearm," he says. "By the time I realised what was going on, its teeth were latched on to the front section of the board."

Nick, 60, says he'd heard sharks don't like being punched in the nose or eye.

"So I shouted at it (that bar-room expression) and went to punch it in the eye and missed. Then I pulled my fist back and shouted  (that bar-room expression) again and got it right smack bang in the eye. It's quite a big eye, about three knuckles across, and its eye kind of looked up and rolled up.

"It then disengaged its teeth from the board and swam off."

Nick was left with a cut on his arm but his full-length wetsuit had saved him from further injury.

A close shave, to be sure. But a question. Was it the punch in the eye or the well-known bar-room expression meaning "Go away!" that drove off the great white?

 

Togged out

MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British wit. Topic: Fashion and dress.

·       Some people are born with a sense of how to clothe themselves, others acquire it, others look as if their clothes had been thrust upon them – Saki.

·       I once saw in a French journal, under a drawing of a bonnet, the words: "With this style the mouth is worn slightly open". – Oscar Wilde.

·       I never cared for fashion much, amusing little seams and witty little pleats: it was the girls I liked. – David Bailey.

·       Contrary to popular belief, English women do not wear tweed nightgowns, - Hermione Gingold.

 

 

Tailpiece

VAN der Merwe got thrown out of the casino. He totally misconstrued the purpose of the craps table.

Last word

The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. - Solomon Short

The Idler, Tuesday, February 25, 2020

New Texas

tourist

attraction

 

DALLAS, in Texas, has gone into competition with Italy for tourists attractions. It now has a Leaning Tower very similar to the one in Pisa.

It happened by accident, according to Associated Press. An implosion intended to bring down an 11-storey building failed to do the trick, leaving the central core at an attitude very similar to the Leaning Tower of Pisa.

The demolishers will now use a wrecking ball to bring down the rest, but the online jokes and photos are flowing and there's even an online petition to "save this landmark from destruction."

The Leaning Tower of Dallas. It reminds me of another Leaning Tower.

In Maritzburg in days of yore there was a very lanky senior golfer who, in the 19^th Hole, had a peculiar stance at the bar. He would lean slightly back ward as he took his first drink. As he took subsequent drinks he would lean back more and more. The angle became alarming. But he never fell over.

He was known as the Leaning Tower of Phuza.

 

Object lesson

 

A DISCUSSION in a Tennessee courtroom on the question of drug possession turned into an object lesson.

Spencer Boston, 20, was addressing the judge in the town of Lebanon, telling him marijuana ought to be legalised, according to Huffington Post, when he reached into his pocket, pulled out a spliff and lit up.

But he wasn't given much time to enjoy it. The sheriff's men pounced and led him away, with disorderly conduct added to the charges of drug possession he already faced.

He could've at least offered the judge a puff.

 

 

Triangles

The long-lost wreck of the SS Cotopaxi - a steamship referenced in movies, memes and myth - has been discovered off the coast of St Augustine, Florida, almost a century after vanishing near the Bermuda Triangle.

The wreck was identified by diver, author and researcher Michael Barnette, according to Huffington Post.

Cotopaxi set off from Charleston, South Carolina, bound for Havana, Cuba, on November 29, 1925, then vanished. No trace of the ship or its crew of 32 was ever found, making the vessel ripe for folklore and pop culture.

In Steven Spielberg's 1977 classic Close Encounters of the Third Kind, the Cotopaxi reappears in the middle of the Gobi Desert: 

And in recent years, social media memes have suggested the Cotopaxi had suddenly appeared, empty and intact, as a "ghost ship" floating off the coast of Cuba. That one was passed around so often that Snopes published an entire page debunking it. 

The Bermuda Triangle is a loosely defined portion of the Atlantic stretching roughly from Miami to Bermuda to Puerto Rico, and some believe ships and aircraft mysteriously vanish there.

It's a bit like our Durban Triangle. This runs between the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties, high up on the Berea, and the Irish Tavern and The Pub With No Name, down in Florida Road. This forms a narrow Isosceles triangle where knickers, beer glasses and large amounts of money mysteriously disappear.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

TWO cockroaches are munching rubbish in an alley.

Says one: "I was in that new restaurant across the road. It's so clean. The kitchen is spotless, the floors gleaming white. It's so sanitary the whole place shines."

Second cockroach (frowning): "Please. Not while I'm eating!"

 

Last word

 

You must not think me necessarily foolish because I am facetious, nor will I consider you necessarily wise because you are grave. - Sydney Smith

 

The Idler, Monday, February 24, 2020

That

wandering

goalpost

WELL, that was a most pleasing comeback by the Sharks against the Melbourne Rebels in the little Victoria town of Ballarat, the match played there because Elton John had taken over the stadium in the state capital. No floodlights, therefore the game played in broad daylight and us getting up at sparrows to watch.

A storming display, lots of zing (apart from some lamentable line-outs in the first half), wonderful threequarter play and the Sharks look like making their presence really felt in this competition. Delightful attacking rugby.

The fields at Ballarat reminded me somehow of Woodburn, in Maritzburg; and of the Royal Showgrounds, also in Maritzburg. But what those grounds lack is the huge onfield logo in Ballarat of a beer bottle.

It could make for confusing TV viewing. "Good heavens, are they on our line?" you'd think as a goalpost came into view.

But no, it was the giant bottle of Victoria Bitter.

Cheers! We trust the fellows downed a few afterwards. They certainly earned it.

 

 

Research opportunity

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener suggests in his latest grumpy newsletter that the pyromania of protesting students could perhaps become part of their academic research.

"If one of these students busy burning and destroying their campus ever gets around to returning to work, a wonderful research topic for a small project would be to find out how there is always a steady supply of mattresses and appliances to set alight.

"The problem might be firstly to find a supervisor, as most lecturers beyond a certain age have no experience of burning useful appliances and household goods.

'The other difficulty would be to find a faculty interested in this topic. While the old PPE mainstay (Politics, Philosophy and Economics) is often the course of choice for those students who need sufficient free time to pursue their extramural interests, perhaps the sourcing of goods like these is the realm of Commerce. Just a thought."

 

 

Horsing around

THIS horse was sitting in first class, flying American Airlines from Michigan to Ontario, California … Hold on, this isn't one of those jokes. The horse – named Fred - really was in first class with American Airlines.

He is what they call a "miniature horse" – think of something half the size of a Shetland pony – and was with his handler, Ronia Foese, according to Sky News.

While others have struggled to convince US airlines to allow them to board with peacocks and hamsters, Ronia says staff were only too happy to have Fred on board.

The pair flew from Michigan to Grand Rapids, to Dallas, where they caught a connecting flight to California.

Ronia trained Fred specially to join her on the flight. He wore an  outfit befitting a film superhero and had a travel bag strapped to his body as he nuzzled into his seat.

Advertisement

In a Facebook post, Ronia thanked the pilots, co-pilots and crew on all four outbound and return flights, saying their excitement at having a "legit service horse on board" was a "breath of fresh air".

"Their kindness and comments about how well-behaved Fred was made me the proudest mommy, handler, and trainer EVER!"

Proudest mommy. Here's an animal lover not lost for words.

 

Tailpiece

 

TWO musicians are walking down the street.

"Who was that piccolo I saw you with last night?"

"That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

 

Last word

 

An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field.

Niels Bohr

The Idler, Friday, February 21, 2020

An early start

for tomorrow's

rugby

 

WHAT is it with these Van Diemenslanders? The Sharks' match against Queensland Reds is at 5.45am. Who plays rugby at that time of day?

Oh, okay, I get it, it's the time lag. The earth spins. But why are matches in Australia usually about 11am our time? Is this one being played mid-afternoon? Why?

Could this be some Machiavellian plot to deprive the Sharks of the long-distance support of the damsels of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties, who at 5.45am on a Saturday are just about getting ready for slumber, unlikely to be enthusiastic about rugby or a volunteering of their knicker elastic for a fashioning of catapults with which to shoot out the streetlights in the time-honoured feu de joie? Is this a crafty attempt to undermine the spirit of rugby in this province?

All the same, we look forward to a great game, a removal of the wobbles of last week. Curwin Bosch will be back at flyhalf.

Last week little Sanele Nohamba stood in and did absolutely brilliantly. Nohamba (and boy, he can "hamba"!) is normally a titchy scrumhalf, but he's always had pace and attacking flair.

Does Bosch's return mean there's no place for Nohamba? Of course not, he's a scrumhalf. And I wouldn't be surprised if Sean Everitt this time uses him in the line-out.

The line-out? That little short-ass? Yes, the line-out. Nohamba is so tiny his teammates will be able to throw him so high in the air he wins every one.

You think Rassie Erasmus is clever? Just watch Sean Everitt.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

 

Race hots up?

WITH multi-billionaire former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg now getting involved in the race for the Democrat candidacy in America's presidential election, are things beginning to hot up overall?

The New Yorker reports that Bloomberg has purchased Greenland from Denmark, just to get under Donald Trump's skin. Danish prime minister Mette Frederiksen said it was a cash sale.

"News of Bloomberg's purchase of Greenland reportedly infuriated Trump, who immediately ordered his son-in-law, Jared Kushner, to make an offer to buy the Faroe Islands from Denmark."

Within minutes, however, Frederiksen rebuffed Kushner's bid.

"As for Bloomberg, his campaign released a brief statement about the historic purchase of the 836 330-square-mile landmass, saying only: 'Mike gets it done.'"

Yes, this is satirist Andy Borowitz again. At least nobody's accusing the other of being a wife-beater. Not yet anyway.

Tailpiece

AN IRISH scrumhalf is standing before the Pearly Gates. A voice booms: "Seamus O'Shaughnessy, before you enter is there any sin you have not confessed?"

"Ah yes, Oi'm afraid dere is."

"Tell us that sin, Seamus O'Shaughnessy."

"Well, we wuz playin' England. De score wuz 12-12. We wuz into injury toime. We got a scrum near de English loine . Oi put de ball in. De scrum wheeled as de ball came out. Oi took it an' went for de corner. But as Oi did so, Oi knocked de ball forward ever so sloightly. De ref was unsoighted, He awarded de try. We won.  Oi was a hero. But only Oi know it was not a try. It's boddered me all me loife.

"Seamus O'Shaughnessy, that was no sin. You may enter."

"Of, tank you, St Peter, tank you!"

"It's St Peter's day off. Dis is St Patrick."

Last word

Silly is you in a natural state, and serious is something you have to do until you can get silly again. - Mike Myers

 

The Idler, Thursday, February 20, 2020

A very short

July season

it turned out

THE escalators at the tube stations of London can be awesomely long contraptions, bringing you up or down hundreds of metres. It was on one of those some years ago that I encountered Ray Swart, then MP for Durban Berea.

He was on his way up, I was on my way down. We spotted each other from a distance, hallooed greetings then exchanged information on what we were doing in London, chatted as we drew level, then shouted farewells as we moved apart.

It was rather like the old Zululand custom (Ray was once MP for Zululand) of carrying on a conversation from hilltop to hilltop. The Poms on the escalator were astonished. This offended traditional British reserve. Who were these outlandish fellows?

Ray, who died this week aged 92, was one of my favourite MPs – principled, hardworking, eloquent on his feet and entertaining company.

He told the story of a visit to Britain with a parliamentary group. There they met a retired Royal Navy admiral who had been in command in Durban harbour during World War II. At the time there was a strict blackout. Enemy submarines were on the prowl against convoys that would set out from Durban for the Middle East; there was always the possibility of an air attack from Japanese carriers.

To the admiral's horror, suddenly one winter's evening the beachfront – the Golden Mile – was ablaze with coloured lights. He phoned the mayor, Rupert Ellis-Brown, demanding to know what the dickens was going on.

"But my dear fellow," protested Ellis-Brown. "This is our July season."

The admiral's next call was to the prime minister, General Jan Smuts. A few minutes later the lights all went out.

'Twas a very short July season.

Remote chance

HOW'S this for remote chance? In 1973, a teenage girl named Debra in the US town of Brunswick, in Maine, lost the ring her future husband, Shawn McKenna, had given her before he left for college. She accidentally left the ring – a blue stone with silver engravings identifying his school – in a department store, according to Sky News.

They later married - a union that lasted 40 years until Shawn died.

Fast forward 47 years and the ring has been found buried in a Finnish forest the other side of the world. A fellow using a metal detector found it.

He contacted the school's alumni association in America who identified ownership from Shawn's graduation date and initials.

Next thing Debra received the ring in the post – and wept with emotion.

Astonishing. Just how did a ring get from Maine to a forest in Finland?

 

Shower thoughts

THE shower isn't just a place to sing. Separated from our cellphones, standing under running water often allows people's minds to run free. Another selection of Huffington Post shower thoughts.

·         A major transition from child to adult is when you stop dipping chips in salsa and instead start to scoop up the salsa.

·         Good people get angry when you lie about them; bad people get angry when you tell the truth about them.

·         Thinking a camera can steal your soul doesn't seem superstitious once you've seen Instagram.

 

Tailpiece

 

THERE'S frigid silence in the car as they drive down a country lane. There's been an altercation.

They drive close by a farmyard full of pigs and mules.

"Relatives of yours?" she asks.

"Yep. In-laws."

 

 

Last word

When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of, he always declares that it is his duty. - George Bernard Shaw,

 

 

 

The

IdleAn artist who

excelled in

various genres

 

A MIGHTY oak of the world of the arts in Durban has fallen. Andrew Verster has died aged 83. And this oak had so intertwined with the surrounding artistic foliage that all kinds of facets of the arts feel the loss.

Verster was a painter. He also produced sketches. He designed costumes for the theatre, as well as stage sets. He wrote short stories and radio plays. He once won the BBC World Service Playwriting Competition with You May Leave, The Show Is Over. He produced tapestries that hang in various parts of this country and elsewhere, including Oxford University.

The Arts and Culture Trust (ACT) recognised this prodigious and multi-faceted output with a Lifetime Achievement Award.

Pieter Scholtz, convenor of the St Clement's arts soiree (where Verster was a diffident, self-effacing regular) describes him as having been "truly a renaissance spirit."

"Andrew and I had been kindred spirits for many years. He illustrated many of my books with truly evocative pen and ink drawings which added new dimensions to the stories."

Arts writer Caroline Smart – who has the website artSMart – describes Verster as an incredible artist who had the capacity to move into all kinds of different areas.

"He designed costumes, painted, sketched, wrote … he was always on the move. Andrew was an integral part of Durban's cultural enterprise, yet a man of great humility."

Sculptor Andries Botha: "Andrew was always in my entire existence in Durban a place from which you could measure yourself. In many respects the way he encouraged creativity, the way that he was professional and productive, and more importantly the way he was always warm and approachable, kind of made the artistic process more human for all of us younger people."

Sculptor Hannah Lurie: "He was the brother I never had, I was the sister he never had."

They went together to the Cite des Arts in Paris on four occasions as guests of the French government, where they were provided with studios for a month at a time and immersed themselves in French arts and culture. They also went together to Israel on an arts tour.

I myself have hanging in my flat one of Andrew Verster's.  sketches in Japanese mode, used to illustrate one of Pieter Scholtz's haiku verses. I certainly value it.

Andrew Verster's memory will be honoured at a special gathering of the arts soiree at St Clement's restaurant, on the Berea, on Friday morning.

 

Anarchy

IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines on the performance of the EFF duriug the Sona address in Parliament.

The nation's awash with political analysts,

Not to mention dozens of 'erudite' panellists;

But none have agreed

On how to proceed,

To save us from EFF anarchists.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

AN ARTIST has been working on a nude portrait, bringing perfection with every stroke of his paint brush to this rendition of the female form. But one morning when his model arrives, he suggests they take it easy for a change and have a glass of wine instead.

They chat away, getting to know each other for the first time. Time passes. They have a couple more glasses. Then they hear a car pulling up outside.

He jumps up. "Oh no, it's my wife! Quick, take off your clothes!"

 

Last word

The squeaking wheel doesn't always get the grease. Sometimes it gets replaced. - Vic Gold

 r, Wednesday, February 19, 2020

The Idler, Tuesday, February 18, 2020

Progress in

the march

of science

IT'S encouraging to know that the scientific community focus on the practicalities. Recently we discussed the way researchers fitted cuttlefish - marine creatures related to squid and octopus – with red/blue 3D glasses and discovered they could watch and make out three-dimensional movies just like humans.

Now, according to Sky News, further research has revealed that cuttlefish have "complex cognitive abilities". They can figure things out.

Their favourite food is shrimps. If they expect they're going to get fed shrimp in the evening, they lay off on chowing crabs during the day.

But if the scientists start messing around with the menu, they'll go for crab during the day, just to be safe.

Twenty-nine European common cuttlefish were tested by scientists and every single one responded the same way.

It's the same, the scientists say, as if a human knows there's dessert coming so he doesn't have a second helping of dinner.

Wowie! It's the march of science. Where would we be without this kind of information?

 

Phew!

 

DURBAN poet Joan Truscott pens some lines on our current weather.

 

It's Durban in February

And it is sweltering.

We all feel as if we're melting.

The humidity is high and

Temperatures keep rising

That we feel lethargic is

Not surprising.

Some sit in aircondtioning 

Others resort to a fan

We all seek coolness wherever we can.

Our clothes feel uncomfortable

As temperatures soar.

We wonder as we perspire if

We can take much more.

Every summer we look back

And remark the heat is worse

Than yesteryear.

Our memories play tricks, I fear.

Soon February will pass

And cooler months arrive

We will begin to feel

More alive.

Somehow we'll overcome the

Intense heat.

Despite the hot humid climate

Durban's lifestyle can't be beat.

 

 

Exercise

 

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "How do men exercise on the beach? They suck in their stomach every time they see a bikini."

 

 

 

Ps and Qs

 

MORE origins of common, day-to-day expressions, supplied by reader Nick Gray:

·         In the late 1700s, many houses consisted of a large room with only one chair. Commonly, a long wide board folded down from the wall, and was used for dining. The head of the household always sat in the chair while everyone else ate sitting on the floor.  To sit in the chair meant you were important and in charge. You were the chairman.

·         Ladies wore corsets, which would lace up in the front. A proper and dignified woman wore a tightly tied lace. She was "straight-laced", which was eventually spelled "straitlaced".

·       At taverns people drank from pint and quart-sized mugs. A barmaid's job was to keep an eye on the customers and keep the drinks coming. She had to pay close attention and remember who was drinking in pints and who in quarts, hence the phrase "minding your Ps and Qs".

 

 

Tailpiece

 

THE pub's daily special is chalked on a blackboard: "A pie, a pint and a kind word – R20." This fellow orders the special. The barman serves him a pint of beer and a pie on a plate.

"What's the kind word?"

"Wouldn't eat that pie if I were you."

Last word

An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup. -HL Mencken