The Idler, Tuesdau, August 27, 2019

War crisis –

but where's

the enemy?

 

IF THE Ashes series in England is looking a little desultory with intermittent washouts by rain, the Brexit drama is ramping up to take centre stage.

While Prime Minister Boris Johnson goes to Europe to present a no-deal Brexit ultimatum, bolstered by a majority of one in a House of Commons that has already voted firmly against such a thing, MPs are clamouring for an early end to the summer recess so they can return and take control.

There are swirlings for a vote of no confidence, a repeal of the measure that would see Brexit on October 31, deal or no deal; for a caretaker government of national unity.

Meanwhile a leaked government document – codenamed Yellowhammer – sketches a no-deal scenario that could include paralysis at the ports, congested motorways, food and medicine shortages, fuel shortages, job losses, recession and possible civil insurrection that would have to be curbed.

Wartime stuff? Except this time there's no enemy. It's entirely self-inflicted. You couldn't make it up.

But not to worry, Donald Trump will come to the Brits' assistance with a trade deal to replace their current deal with the EU. Er, except that such a deal is not in his power. It would have to be approved by Congress. And the House of Representatives will not approve anything that threatens the Good Friday agreement on Northern Ireland. The Irish-American lobby is a strong one.

Do we have here the Achilles Heel of Brexit? The Good Friday Agreement made the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic in the south all but irrelevant, just about ending a conflict that has lasted nearly 330 years.

Yet is it possible to have a trading bloc – the EU – with an open border with another country, the UK?

Is this not a question that should have been addressed before the Brexit referendum was even called?

Sturm und drang. What a Punch and Judy show. But maybe England will win the toss in the Third Test and start whacking the Aussies about. It might take their minds off Brexit for a few days.

 

FEELINGS are running high in Blighty. Reader Nick Gray sends in a collection of insults from another age that the Brits might find useful today:

·       Lord Sandwich: "'Pon my soul Wilkes, you will either die of the pox or upon the gallows." Wilkes (a radical MP): "That depends Milord on whether I embrace your mistress or your principles."

·       "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr.

·       "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde.

·       "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker.

·       "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain.

·       "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West.

·       "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts ... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang.

·       He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder.

·       "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill.

 

 

Tailpiece

"WHAT'S that you've got there, Paddy?"

"A thermos flask. It keeps hot tings hot and cold tings cold."

"What've you got in it?"

"Two choc ices and a coffee."

Last word

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. - Jerry Seinfeld