What's that
ticking in
Blighty?
THERE'S a loud ticking over in Blighty. Is it the clock ticking off the seconds toward "no deal" do-or-die Brexit at the end of October, or is it a political time bomb set for the interim?
Last week the Tories lost a by-election to the anti-Brexit Liberal Democrats, cutting Boris Johnson's majority in the House of Commons to one (presuming the Ulster Unionists continue to support him – the Tories on their own are a minority).
Does this bear out projections from the European election that suggest the Lib Dems could emerge as the largest party in a hung parliament?
It's no secret that lots of Tory MPs are against Brexit and certainly any no-deal Brexit. What if the Commons should decide to blow the whole thing out of the water when they return from their summer recess? And who has been talking to who during that recess?
BoJo is stomping the country in what looks like snap election mode, making extravagant promises, concentrating on the parts of the country that supported Brexit in the referendum. (London is not one of those parts)
Meanwhile, feverish arrangements are being made to cope with the chaos that would come with a hard, no-deal Brexit. It's an emergency on a scale not seen since World War II.
Except this time there's no enemy, it's entirely self-inflicted. Hoo boy! You couldn't make it up.
Predictions are futile. Except to predict that there's going to be drama.
Vengeful pastor
OH DEAR, it seems I am being sued by a minister of religion. Last weekend I attended a special lunchtime reunion at Maritzburg College of fellows who left the school many, many moons ago.
Missing was a chap who has since become a pastor. He'd signified he would attend and had paid in advance for his lunch. But he did not pitch.
Yet next day he turned up at the main reunion – for all Old Boys - under the impression our special lunch was on. He was most distressed to find he had missed out.
Not to worry, I told him. I ate his lunch and enjoyed it very much. Now he's spreading calumny and slander on social media, claiming that the Idler stole his lunch and he's going to sue.
Very tricky these pastors can be.
Urequited love
A FELLOW in Serbia was so smitten by an off-duty Lufthansa flight attendant he'd met by chance that he phoned a bomb threat against her aircraft, to stop it taking off so he could invite her to dinner.
The flight from Belgrade to Frankfurt was evacuated and the aircraft was searched by police and sniffer dogs, according to Sky News, but dinner with the flight attendant did not materialise.
Instead the police traced the phone call and arrested the smitten one, at which he confessed to the hoax. He's now in the slammer awaiting trial.
The pangs of unrequited love.
Tailpiece
A TOURIST couple are driving in Canada when they get hopelessly lost. They come to a town and pull over to the kerbside. She winds down her window and says to a chap standing on the pavement: "Excuse me, sir, can you tell us where we are?"
"Saskatoon, Saskechewan."
"Now we're really lost," she wails to her husband. "They don't even speak English here."
Last word
Think of what would happen to us in America if there were no humorists; life would be one long Congressional Record.
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