Better
stories than
grandpa's
A DELIGHTFUL little book comes this way, lent to me by a friend who bought it in Dar-es-Salaam, where he was on business.
It's called Memoirs of a Whenwe – Colonial experiences in Tanganyika and is written by "Babu", which is Swahili for "Grandfather".
Babu has self-published this book, immaculately in hardback, and he starts off by telling us how, as a five-year-old, he sat on his grandfather's knee and lapped up the stories Grandpa told him, believing every word.
One was about how he and "Uncle Bill" used to hunt bears. Uncle Bill would sneak up on the bear and tickle it under its armpits. Then, as the bear opened its mouth to laugh, Grandpa would plunge his arm down its throat, reach down to its tail, then turn it inside out.
It was with some shock and distress that Babu eventually discovered that Grandpa was a bit of a fibber. Babu assures us that his book contains no such fibs.
Which is perhaps just as well because the reader might otherwise be sceptical about Babu breaking his arm in a game of darts.
The book is a memoir of Babu's posting – along with his wife and their small baby boy -as a metallurgist in the colonial service to the small town of Dodoma, in Tanganyika, in the aftermath of World War II.
How do you break your arm playing darts? Well it was mixed darts at the Dodoma Club and the club rules were that at a certain point of the game the male player had to seize his female partner, lift her off her feet and run round the dining room with her in his arms.
Entering into the spirit of things, her husband rugby tackled them and Babu crashed into a doorpost, fracturing his arm.
I understand such behaviour is frowned upon in the Durban Club and the Country Club, but in Dodoma it was the rule.
Then there was the lion and the looking glass. This couple lived in a very rough hut, the door consisting of thorn tree branches. Their business partner, a bachelor, lived in a similar hut next door.
She hated the thorn branch door. He bought her a magnificent plate glass replacement. Then one night they were in bed under double layers of mosquito netting when they heard a scratching. at the door. They lit the paraffin lamp. The illumination caused the lion to see his reflection in the door. Enraged at the sudden appearance of a rival lion, he struck out – and the door was shattered.
Next the lion was inside, ripping away the mosquito netting, getting entangled in it then running outside in a panic – where he knocked down the bachelor neighbour who was investigating the disturbance.
The lion skeddaddled and the three took brandy for medicinal purposes until dawn. Marvellous stuff.
Babu eventually retired to the offshore island of Zamzibar which, after independence, became incorporated with Tanganyika – today's Tanzania. He tells us he and his wife first fell in love on the Isle of Man, in the Irish Sea. They fell in love again in Zanzibar. What comes across is a great affection for the country and all its people.
Tailpiece
A ROMAN walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
"You mean a martini?"
"If I wanted a double I'd ask for it."
Last word
A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world. - Edmond de Goncourt
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