Monster cigar
AS MENTIONED in yesterday's paper, a Cuban cigar-maker has rolled a 90m cigar in honour of the 90th birthday of Fidel Castro.
Tobacconist Jose Catelar and a team of assistants took 10 days to roll the monster cigar – the thickness of an ordinary one – working 12 hours a day.
Now here's a thought. Would Senor Catelar perhaps be prepared to roll a 92m cigar in honour of President Robert Mugabe, of Zimbabwe, who also celebrated his birthday recently?
What a magnificent finale it would make to the Rio Olympics – Fidel Castro and Robert Mugabe smoking (and finishing) their birthday cigars at the closing ceremony. And what a fitting tribute to these elder statesmen.
Wearing purple
A POEM comes this way from Barbados, in the West Indies, written by one Jenny Joseph..
When I am an old woman I shall wear purple
With a red hat that doesn't go, and doesn't suit me,
And I shall spend my pension
on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals,
and say we've no money for butter.
I shall sit down on the pavement when I am tired,
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells,
And run my stick along the public railings,
And make up for the sobriety of my youth.
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens,
And learn to spit.
You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat,
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go,
Or only bread and pickle for a week,
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats
and things in boxes.
But now we must have clothes that keep us dry,
And pay our rent and not swear in the street,
And set a good example for the children.
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.
But maybe I ought to practise a little now?
So people who know me
are not too shocked and surprised,
When suddenly I am old
and start to wear purple!
Yeah, you can't reach a serene old age 'til you can spit on the ceiling. Start practising now!
Catch a nap
THE great frigatebirds that wheel their way about the oceans of the southern hemisphere, skimming the waves, catching the air currents and seeming hardly ever to move their wings, are one of nature's wonders.
They can stay in flight for two months at a time. They can't rest on the water surface the way an albatross does because they don't have waterproofed feathers. They'll come down to catch fish that have been driven to the surface by predators but then they're off again off again on their swooping, soaring flight.
Scientists have been puzzled as to how they go so long without apparently sleeping. But now scientists from the Max Planck Institute for Ornithology in Germany think they've found out, according to the publication, New Scientist..
They fitted great frigatebirds with small brain activity monitors and movement trackers. It seems that when on their two-month patrols, they do fall asleep in 12-second snatches. But when they get back to their nests on the small islands and cliffs they inhabit, they sleep 12 hours a day plus.
This sounds most human. Who doesn't doze off momentarily in the workplace or when the barroom bore is droning – but still gets in a good eight hours when he gets home?
Yes, nature is wonderful.
Microbes
THE Jefferson Memorial, in Washington, has its once-gleaming dome covered in a black microbial film that seems to return after it has been scrubbed away.
The white neo-classical structure celebrates America's third president, Thomas Jefferson.
The scientists are baffled. What could be causing these microbes? What contamination of a hitherto pure and pristine atmosphere?
Er, Donald Trump perhaps?
Tailpiece
A HANDYMAN is looking for work.
"How much will you charge to paint my porch."
"R300."
The householder shows him the paint and brushes in the garage, then goes inside.
Then there's a knock at the door.
"Finished."
"Already? That was quick."
"I gave it two coats. By the way, it's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari."
Last word
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I'm gonna put pins into all the locations that I've traveled to. But first, I'm gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won't fall down.
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