Unintended consequences?
A FEATURE of the TV footage coming out of the Rio Olympics is the underwater camera work. You see the tumble turns. You see the dolphin like action of the swimmers, and they appear to be creatures within their element. It's most impressive.
But it could have unintended consequences. I go back to schooldays, the inter-schools gala at the Open Air Baths in Maritzburg.
This fellow – let's call him Finton – was an exceptionally powerful swimmer. He was also a very good-looking guy – tall, dark, handsome, well-built.
But Finton was painfully shy. In the company of girls, he wouldn't say boo to a goose. If they spoke to him, he blushed.
And there he was, waiting for the starter's gun at the deep end for the relay event. "On your marks! Get set! Bang!"
Finton took off like a rocket. He hit the water, arms flailing, legs kicking. And as he hit the water – oops! – he lost his cozzie. But in the inter-schools gala relay event you don't stop and retrieve anything. Finton ploughed on, kaalgat.
He touched as he reached the side, ahead of the whole field, in the shallow end. His teammate was away. The officials tried to pull Fint out. But he resisted. The grandstand that end was filled with pupils from a local girls' school.
An unseemly tussle ensued until the officials realised Finton's predicament. Somebody fetched a towel, he draped himself underwater and got out via the steps. Then he had to walk, blushing furiously, past the schoolgirls who were shrieking with laughter.
Now imagine a similar incident at the Olympics with the underwater cameras. It would be compelling TV.
Chemical imbalance
THEY'RE absolutely mystified in Rio over the way the diving pool has suddenly changed from a shimmering blue to a murky green. It seems to be some sort of chemical imbalance.
Obvious suspects at this stage are the Russian competitors who are said to ingest strange substances. Have they perhaps been widdling in the pool?
Tortoise
IT'S a most curious story, this one from London in yesterday's paper, about the pet tortoise who crawled into a rubbish bin, got taken away by the bin men then was rescued after his owner raised the alarm and more than 1 000 rubbish bags were searched using a thermal imaging camera.
The curious bit is that the tortoise is named Zuma. How could he have come by that name?
There's nothing derogatory about this of course. The Victoria Club, in Maritzburg, had – probably still has – a mascot named Dorando, named for a winner of the marathon at the Olympics many years ago.
Dorando had been the mascot of the York and Lancasters, the last British regiment stationed in Maritzburg. When they left at the time of Union in 1910, Dorando was presented to the club, a silver plate screwed onto his shell recording it all. He was an honoured part of the establishment.
Dorando's name is easily explained. It derives from the fable of the tortoise and the hare. But Zuma? Tortoises are not given to giggling or indulging in singing and dancing.
Besides, Sarah Joiner has owned him for 40 years (Zuma - the tortoise - is actually 90). She must have named him long before our JZ came to any sort of prominence.
However, referring to the full text of the BBC item on which the report is based, it turns out that Zuma (the tortoise) is short for Montezuma, the 15th century Aztec emperor in South America. So no connection with Nkandla or the Union Buildings. But it's a curious coincidence all the same.
Perspective
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen."
Hero to zero
IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, reflects on last week's local government election outcome.
A renowned professor of history,
Said it was no longer a mystery;
That ex-struggle heroes,
Become political zeros -
Look at Jacob and Bob and you'll see!
Tailpiece
"I'LL have the steak and kiddley pie, please."
"You mean steak and kidney?"
"That's what I said, diddle I?"
Last word
I do not want people to be agreeable, as it saves me the trouble of liking them.
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