The Drones Club
THE British government and Amazon find themselves
being upstaged by the criminal fraternity. While the
government and the internet giant are exploring ways to set
up an entirely new system by which online shoppers get
their purchases delivered by drone to the doorstep, the
criminals are already way ahead.
At Pentonville prison, in London, drones have been
intercepted flying in drugs and cellphones, as reported in
yesterday's newspaper.
It's been a long time coming but it seems the Drones Club
is at last operational. It's alarming. The Drones are a close-
knit group of desperado anarchists, their club located
somewhere in the St James district of London.
Their names are Bertie Wooster, Archibald Mulliner, Bingo
Little, Boko Fittleworth, Cyril "Barmy" Fotheringay-
Phipps, Freddie Threepwood, Freddie Widgeon, Hugo
Carmody, Monty Bodkin, Oofy Prosser, Pongo Twistleton,
Catsmeat Potter-Pirbright, Ronald Eustace Psmith, Ronald
Overbury "Ronnie" Fish, Tuppy Glossop, Biffy Biffen and
Gussie Fink-Nottle.
Mastermind behind the Drones Club is a man called Jeeves,
who masquerades as a butler. The leading activist is
Wooster, who often operates through his aunts, Dahlia and
Agatha (she of the laugh like a squadron of cavalry
charging over a tin bridge).
Sometimes involved on the periphery of their anti-social
escapades is Sir Roderick Glossop, the sinister yet
celebrated looney-doctor of Harley Street.
Drones into prisons is but the start, of this we can be sure.
Scotland Yard is advised to read up on the Drones Club, as
exhaustively documented by PG Wodehouse. They'll have
to re-arrange their priorities, that's for certain.
Anthems
THE returning British Olympics team can be excused their
rather off-key rendering of God Save the Queen as they
flew back victorious from Rio with an unprecedented
medals haul, as relayed on TV. British Airways had
stocked up with an extra six dozen bottles of champagne
for the flight.
One is otherwise careful with national anthems to maintain
decorum and correct key and diction. At the Street Shelter
for the Over-Forties, closing time is always marked by
Nkosi Sikelele, followed by God Save the Queen, Le
Marseillaise, The Star Spangled Banner and The Red Flag.
The rendition is pitch perfect. Diction is clipped, no
slurring. All stand to attention and salute. Some are
standing on their heads, true, but they're still to attention.
It's a Street Shelter tradition.
Rotten job
RECENTLY Donald Trump accused President Obama and Democrat
presidential candidate Hillary Clinton of being co-founders of so-called
Islamic State.
Now he's accused them of making a rotten job of running the
organisation, according to satirist Andy Borowitz in the New Yorker.
"In an interview with Fox News, the Republican presidential nominee
said that Obama's preference for golfing in favour of the demanding
day-to- day work of running a terrorist organisation shows 'what a
disaster he has been' at the helm of the Islamic State.
"'Frankly, he doesn't deserve to call himself the founder of Isis,' Trump
told Fox's Sean Hannity. 'He is a disgrace.'
"Trump also drew a sharp contrast between himself and Hillary
Clinton, who he said lacked the mental and physical stamina to run
Isis.
"'I've built a great business,' he said. 'I've employed thousands of
people. I will do a much better job running Isis.'"
Still three months to go.
The question
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties:
"Alcohol isn't the answer but it does let you forget the
question."
Humpty Doo
STRANGE goings-on at Humpty Doo, in the Northern Territory
of Australia. Four men broke into the local school one night and
dumped three saltwater crocodiles in the main office, according
to Sky News.
The largest was 2m in length. The break-in was picked up on
CCTV cameras but the culprits had their heads covered by
scarves.
Revenge on teachers by former pupils? Maybe, but the
crocodiles all had their jaws taped up. The police are baffled.
Stone the flamin' crows, mate! Starve the flamin' lizards!
Humpty Doo's gettin' a reputation like Wagga Wagga for
bein' a place of infinite mystery and subtlety.
Tailpiece
She: "Please get me a carton of milk and if they have
avocados get six."
He comes home with six cartons of milk.
She: "Why six cartons of milk?"
He: "They had avocados."
(Women may need to read this again. Men get it first
time.)
Last word
There's a fine line between genius and insanity. I have erased
this line.
Oscar Levant
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