Thursday, April 9, 2015
The Idler, Tuesday, April 7, 2015
Kokstad rugby conundrum
SEVERAL readers have questioned last week's team photograph of the Kokstad Rugby Club in 1908 .
Dave Thompson, of Umhlali, notes that the photograph features a football.
"Why did they play with a football? Another story from the 'Wild West'?"
My old colleague Des Cooney notes that only 11 were wearing kit. Äre you sure it's not their soccer
side?"
Chris Krause says the photo looks suspiciously like a soccer team. "But I suppose they weren't fussy in
Kokstad in those days!"
Then Don Porter (a pernickety fellow-member of the Natal Cricket Society and an austere lunch club to
which I belong) expresses himself thus:
"Your photo of the Kokstad Rugby Club team of 1908 shows a round (not
oval) ball and 11 men in playing kit (one of whom has a different shirt and is
bigger than the others and must be the goalie) plus four four older men wearing jackets and
ties, as would befit the club officials."
Well spotted, gentlemen, but there's an explanation. No, it's not that the Kokstad Rugby Club of 1908
were traditionalists who played with the same type of ball – a football – as William Webb-Ellis picked up
and ran away with at Rugby School all those years ago, to launch the game of rugby.
It's rather more prosaic. In Kokstad in those days they played rugby with a watermelon. In the
photograph what appears to be a football is in fact a watermelon, bows-on.
In Kokstad in those early days you had to earn your rugby colours and kit. The gentlemen in jackets and
ties were novices who had not yet earned their colours and kit. They had to strip down and play in their
underpants, which in those days were made of sturdy corduroy.
Come to Kokstad this weekend and watch the Sharks play the Cheetahs in the Vodacom Cup. To mark
Kokstad Rugby Club's 125th
Will they strip to their underpants? Not on the field –that happens only afterwards in the pub.
Rugby debacle
HISTORY was made at King's Park last Saturday. For the first time the rugby on display was worse than
the cacophonous "music" with which we were bombarded.
Has anyone ever seen anything like it? This wasn't just a bad day at the office, it was a day nobody
pitched up.
Those inept attempts to pick up rolling ball in our own 22. Those calamitous line-outs. Those missed
tackles. That line-out where we allowed a Crusader to burst through, run 25m and score. Mama mia! We
babo! Is there any recovery from this?
The punters in the Duikers'Club afterwards were unanimous. Not in decades of provincial rugby had
there been a humiliation like this.
It's a good thing this is the professional era where primordial loyalties are not quite as strong as they
once were. If Natal had ever taken a hiding like this, I'd have become emotional.
anniversary, they'll be playing with a watermelon..
Fat ants
UNK food is getting out of hand. Scientists in New York have discovered that
pavement ants are eating the same junk food as their human counterparts –
hamburgers, chips, sugary drinks – meaning we can look forward to an epoch of
grossly obese ants.
Tests were performed on ants collected from pavements and traffic islands
in Manhattan . Their bodies contained the molecular fingerprint of junk food,
according to research conducted in North Carolina State University.
The same was not true of more genteel ants that frequent leafy park areas.
Several researchers from North Carolina State University have gone missing. A
few have been found in lunatic asylums, and the university is trying to trace the
rest who are still caught upo inb the New York court system.
New York policemen are sceptical about people who claim to be testing
poavement ants for junk food, and they turn them in for their own good.
Tailpiece
A WOMAN and a man are lying in bed when her cellphone rings.
She answers in a cheery voice: "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for
you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
"Who was that?"
"My husband - telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you."
Last word
The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite of a
profound truth may well be another profound truth.
Niels Bohr
Saturday, April 4, 2015
The Idler, Monday, April 6, 2015
Berea bear trap
SUCH excitement at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties on
Maundy Thursday – that giant sinkhole was right outside.
What happened was that one of the pipes to the draught pumps
sprang a leak, scouring out the road's underfill and creating a huge
underground lake of beer.
Two hefty wenches were crossing at the intersection to attend the
Thursday evening quiz competition.
Then – collapso! – the ground gave way under them, the sinkhole
yawned and the two wenches were "treading water" in beer. They
emerged after swallowing about a gallon apiece and were in fine
form for the quiz, though their answers didn't quite tally with the
quizmaster's.
In fact some of their answers were so studded with exotic
language, they had to be asked to tone down or leave.
The breweries folk fixed the leak and all we were left with was the
sinkhole. And of course a large gaping hole outside a place like the
Street Shelter is like a bear trap. All kinds of citizens were found at
the bottom next morning – including the proprietor, I'm told. Tsk,
tsk!
Life is eventful these days. If it's not power cuts, it's sinkholes.
BE CAREFUL when choosing your company signage on the
internet. Beau Lintner sends in some examples of where things
were not quite thought through:
• Who Represents is where you can find the name of the
agent who represents any celebrity. Their website is:
• Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at:
• Looking for a great pen? Look no further than Pen
Island. It can be found at: www.penisland.net
• Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
• Then there's the Italian Power Generator company.
Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com
• IP Computer Software? Try: www.ipanywhere.com
• And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their
website: www.speedofart.com
Contradiction
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener spots a stunning
contradiction in recent statements by President JZ.
In his latest grumpy newsletter he says the president said too
many people were reliant on state hand-outs. Then, almost in the
same breath, he promised that about a billion rands would be set
aside for low interest loans for businessmen selected by race.
"Without dwelling on the likely unconstitutionality of that policy, the
contradiction is stunning and is a perfect example of the lack of
understanding of how economies work.
"Any business that survives only because of taxpayer subsidies
is not adding any value. The president also complained that this
step was necessary because commercial lenders were refusing
to supply cash to these applicants, but failed to spot that this
was most likely because the banks saw a low probability that the
businesses would be able to repay the loan.
"Governments of course have no such qualms."
Why indeed?
THE scenes of jubilation among the Aussies after winning the
Cricket World Cup final in Melbourne remind Michael Green
– retired editor of our sister newspaper, the Daily News – of
something he read years ago in the now-defunct Boys' Own
Paper.
"An innocent little schoolboy was quoted as writing in an
essay: 'Why do footballers kiss each other when they've scored?
They're not married, they're not even engaged'."
A very good question.
Statues struggle
IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines on the
current controversy over statues.
Don't you wish you were a struggle hero
Instead of colonial white and quite a zero;
To stride the high ground
With morals true and sound?
But no! Jan Van Riebeeck won't let go!
Tailpiece
THEY'VE finally tied the knot after living together for years. One
evening he's cleaning his golf shoes.
She says: "Honey, now that we're married isn't it time you quit
golfing? Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
He looks at her in total horror.
"Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a moment there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife?" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't."
Last word
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there
aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray
we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
Ellen DeGeneres
Monday, March 30, 2015
The Idler, Thursday, April 2
Rugby in the boondocks
Oscar Brand is my name,
America is my nation,
Drinking gin my claim to fame,
Seducing girls my occupation,
Tiddly-aye-aye, tiddly-aye-aye,
Tiddly-aye-aye, the one-eyed Reilly,
Jiga-jig-jig, jiga-jig-jig,
Jiga-jig-jig tres bon ...
YES, it's time to fine-tune the vocal chords for rugby songs.
Kokstad Rugby Club celebrates its 125th
after next with a Vodacom match at the club ground between the
Sharks and the Free State Cheetahs, to kick off a weekend of
celebration the way only East Griqualand knows how.
Kokstad is the oldest rugby club in KwaZulu-Natal. It began in
1890, farmers riding on horseback 40km to play their weekly
matches.
East Griqualand in those days was part of the Cape Colony but
so distant from East London, Port Elizabeth and Cape Town itself
that Kokstad Rugby Club became part of the Natal Rugby Union,
playing in its competitions.
It produced Springbok Ebbo Bastard and a crop of provincial
players including Ebbo's brother Cedric, Jimmy Wardlaw, Rex
Greyling and Tiny Walker.
The celebrations begin with a golf tournament on the Friday.
Rugby curtainraisers next day will feature regional teams.
This will be a humdinger. The Kokstad folk are known for their
hospitality and wild carousing – it's the last outpost of the Wild
West and it'll be a lot of fun, a weekend to rememger.
Yankee Wood
THE photograph featured comes courtesy of the Kokstad
Advertiser and East Griqualand Gazette. This is a newspaper
founded in the 1820s by a black American sailor named Yankee
Wood, who jumped ship at East London and ventured inland to
seek his fortune.
Wood met up with Adam Kok, the Griqua Kaptein who had trekked
with his people from Griqualand West to settle in the territory
known as Nomansland.
Kok was on his way back from the Cape, where he had arranged
with the governor for his territory to be annexed and known
as East Griqualand. But he needed a newspaper in which the
governor's proclamations could be printed.
Wood happened also to be a trained printer and – voila! The
"Gazette" part of the newspaper's title referred to the governor's
proclamations.
Wood prospered. He built the Royal Hotel. Then he moved on to
the Transvaal, where he became a mining magnate and racehorse
owner, rubbing shoulders with the randlords.
Then he moved to the Kimberley diamond fields and there things
went badly wrong. He ended up back in Kokstad, dead broke and
working as doorman at the hotel he had built.
So sad. But the newspaper he founded is still going strong. East
Griqualand has always been a place of quirks and subtleties.
Kiwis
You can't help feeling sorry for the New Zealand cricketers. They
played so consistently well for such a long time, then fell at the
last hurdle.
But I'm afraid I've got worse news for the Kiwis. They're going to
lose the Rugby World Cup as well.
Hier kom 'n ding!
A-a-a-a-rgh!
IT'S a free country. If you want discotheque music, you pay at the
door and go to one of those clubs. If you want rugby, you buy a
ticket at King's Park and go inside.
Except that at King's Park these days when you pay to go in and
watch rugby, you get blasted by disco music instead.
Every time there's a breakdown in play, this appalling "music"
comes on, really ear-splitting stuff.
Did any of the fans ask for this gormless nonsense? If you go to a
disco these days, do you instead find people rucking and mauling
on the dance floor?
Is it a free country?
Civilisation
READER Eric Hodgson sums up the status of our civilisation:
Our phones – wireless; cooking – fireless; cars – keyless; food
– fatless; tyres –tubeless; dress – sleeveless; youth – jobless;
leaders – shameless; relationships – meaningless; attitudes –
careless; babies – fatherless; feelings – heartless; education –
valueless; children – mannerless; country – Godless.
We are speechless. Government is clueless. Our politicians are
worthless.
Eric says he's scared ... er, I'm afraid it rhymes with witless.
Tailpiece
POLICE are hunting a "knitting needle nutter", who has
stabbed six people in the backside in the past 48 hours.
Detectives believe the attacker is following a pattern.
Last word
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin
with, that it's compounding a felony.
Robert Benchley
The Idler Wednesday, April 1, 2015
Rugby bombshell
THE Sharks will be playing in the northern hemisphere rugby championships from
next season instead of the southern hemisphere Super 15. This means they will be
pitted against sides such as Saracens, Bath, Toulouse, Ulster and Munster instead of
the familiar Stormers, Cheetahs and Bulls.
The decision was taken at an emergency meeting at King's Park, precipitated by
outrage over Sanzar's decision to appeal against its own citation hearing which
cleared Frans Steyn of a tip tackle against Waikato Chiefs.
However, it is understood that the switch has been under consideration for some time,
to avoid the jetlag factor of having to fly backwards and forwards between KwaZulu-
Natal and localities in Australia and New Zealand.
Sharks CEO John Smit confirmed today that the Sharks would be playing in the
northern hemisphere next season.
"It's been a long time coming. The competition is exhausting enough without this
continuous latitudinal flying, eastward and westward. It really takes it out of the guys
and has an obviously negative effect on their performance.
"It makes much more sense to fly south-north to Europe, then back again. No
monstrously long flights, no jetlag from flying eastward.
"And I've got to be honest: these Sanzar people are beginning to get us down with
their refs and their disciplinary nonsense. Also, we have our local problems in the
Super 15 – these Blue Bulls refs and TMOs that seem to be running every match we
play. It's getting a bit much.
"And it will be nice to have Harlequins, Wasps, London Scottish and the rest of them
playing at King's Park."
"It's a big change, I know, but we'll be better off in the northern competition. It's for
the best. My board were unanimous on it."
Meanwhile, the South African Rugby Union has gone into an emergency meeting
to discuss the Sharks bombshell. Well-placed sources say Saru is in fact dismayed
because it was itself considering a similar course and feels it has been leapfrogged..
Top of the agenda is a proposal that the Springboks should apply to join the Six
Nations competition – making it the Seven Nations.
"They were getting sick of this flying between Argentina, Australia and New
Zealand," the source said. "Too much jetlag. North-South makes much more sense."
World rugby can never be the same again ...
Colonial relics
ETHEKWINI council announced today that, following discussions with the EFF, it
has agreed to dynamite the statue of King George V outside Howard College. It has
also agreed to remove all traces of the colonial era, which means a dynamiting of the
statues in the CBD, the city hall itself, the post office (which served as the meeting
place of the infamous national convention that led to creation of the Union of South
Africa) and the Royal Hotel.
Asked if this was not likely to create a wasteland, a spokesman for the EFF said:
"Yes, that's the general idea".
Heritage Site
UNESCO has declared a new World Heritage Site. This is Nkandla, a place of major
scientific and other interest which perplexes physicists and economists alike for its
capacity to attract huge volumes of cash, which disappear as if into one of those black
holes in space.
Also sociologists and political scientists. It has shown itself to have the unexplained
capacity to cause brawls in parliament and general social disorder.
Also linguists. Nkandla has given to the English language unique words such as
"firepool" and "key point".
As the Unesco citation puts it: "Nkandla is one of the mysteries of our universe that
must be preserved and nurtured for the edification of future generations worldwide."
As a spokesman for the Department of Tourism put it: "Nkandla has been top of
our marketing strategy for a time now. This recognition will give it a huge boost. It
coincides very nicely with our budgeted plans for a R3 billion tourism airport there
..."
Overflow
DRAT! This stuff keeps overflowing from the news pages into this space. Funny, it
seems to happen every year on April 1.
Tailpiece
MY NEIGHBOUR knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning.
Can you believe that - 2:30am? Luckily I was still up playing my
bagpipes.
Last word
April 1. This is the day upon which we are reminded of what we are on the other three
hundred and sixty-four. - Mark Twain
The Idler, Tuesday, March 31
Gaudeamus igitur ...
THE totally senseless row in Cape Town over the Rhodes statue
(and here in Durban over King George V) recalls the lines of Peter
Blum.
Hier het ons stetjoes, elkeen soos 'n mens:
ou Afduim-Murray, Hofmeyr met sy pens;
hier's Jan van Riebeeck, bakgat aangetrek
in sy plus-fours; Cecil Rhodes wat jou wys
wa' die reisiesbaan lê; en vorie Paalmint-hys
ou Mies Victoria met ha' klein spanspek.
(Here we have statues, each one like a person:
Old missing thumb Murray, Hofmeyr with his tummy;
Here's Jan van Riebeeck, togged out splendid
in his plus-fours; Cecil Rhodes who shows you
where the racecourse lies; and before the Parliament-house
Old Miss Victoria with her small musk melon.)
That surely is the attitude to have toward statues. In Maritzburg
during rag week the students would give Sir Theophilus Shepstone
a tennis racquet. Queen Victoria would get a bra, plus a quart of
beer balanced on her outstretched hand.
Those UCT students take themselves altogether too seriously. As
for the fellow who smeared faeces, he surely has problems going
beyond the fact that he's still a student at age of 30.
Gaudeamus igitur,
Juvenes dum sumus;
Not at age 30. But dumb all right.
Bill Payn
WHOOPS, mea culpa! Last week we misspelled the name of the
legendary Bill Payn, mistakenly putting an "e" on the end of his
name. (Google is partly to blame – they do the same).
In contrition, I bring you some more facts about Payn. He was
a legendary schoolmaster at DHS, where he taught Latin and
English. He could actually converse in Latin (though I suppose a
difficulty would have been finding somebody to talk to).
He fought in two world wars – on the Western Front in Europe in
World War I and in the Western Desert in World War II, where he
won the Military Medal for carrying a wounded comrade to safety
while under heavy enemy fire. He was later taken prisoner-of-war.
A giant of a man, he he played rugby for the Springboks and
represented Natal at rugby, boxing, athletics, baseball and cricket.
I quote from the eulogy delivered at Payn's funeral in 1959 by
none other than Izak van Heerden, the legendary Natal rugby
coach of the 1960s, who also taught at DHS and served with him
in World War II.
"Bill's fabulous feats in so many spheres and his courage on the
field of battle made him a legendary, if not saintly, figure among
us all ...To have been his comrade in arms and also a fellow POW
was an ennobling elevation from the horror of war ...
"It is perhaps incredible that in such a robust frame of rugged
grandeur there should be enshrined a soul so sensitive to the
magic of words and the great beauty of the English language
which Bill not only mastered but enriched ..."
Van Heerden was no slouch either in stringing together a few
words.
Controlled war
ESPECIALLY interesting is Izak van Heerden's take on Payn's
philosophy of rugby.
"He said of rugby: 'Why men love to play rugby is, I feel sure, that
it is the simulacrum of war as waged in the mediaeval days, when
battles were marked by the two cardinal virtues of courtesy and
courage' ...
"He worshipped rugger for companionship among friends, in
rendering opportunities for courtesy and generosity to opponents,
as well as camaraderie to strangers."
Who can argue with that?
Not Confucius
FRED Haupt sends in a list of things Confucius did NOT say:
• Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
• Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
• Wise man not keep sledgehammer and slow computer in
same room.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
.
Did Confucius really not say those things? Maybe he should have.
Tailpiece
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out of window: "Pig!"
Man yells out of window: Bitch!"
Man rounds next curve.
Man crashes into huge pig in middle of road. Crunches car.
Thought for the day: If men would just listen ...
Last word
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable
invented to make them laugh.
Will Rogers
The Idler, Monday, March 30, 2015
It's carnival time
LOAD shedding is providing some truly spectacular traffic snarl-
ups at evening rush hour as the lights at the intersections stop
functioning. In the Springfield Park-Umgeni road sector the other
afternoon there was a jam worthy of anything to be found in Lagos,
Nigeria, which has until now been a world leader in the field.
In Lagos the traffic jams have become giant informal markets, with
vendors selling everything from hurricane lamps to live chickens.
Excitement is provided from time to time by the Nigerian equivalent
of our blue light convoys. Except that because of the gridlock they
are practically stationary so the escorting cops lean out of the
windows as the sirens howl and they whack everything in sight
with truncheons, causing corrugations in roofs and bonnets and
the occasional splintering of windscreen glass.
We're getting there, we're getting there. Spontaneous street
markets will spring up as people camp out waiting for the traffic to
get moving; impromtu roadside braais also; buskers will see their
opportunity; it can develop into a gigantic street carnival – every
evening.
Let's have this in place by the time the Commonwealth Games
come to Durban.
Metro police?
AT THE intersection snarl-ups, it's astonishing the way street
urchins take upon themselves the function of directing the traffic.
They do it with great enthusiasm and at times a degree of success.
Whether they get any reward for this is not clear. Maybe it's pure
public-spiritedness.
But where are the metro police in these monster snarl-ups?
They're not to be seen. Do they all knock off at evening rush hour?
One might have thought the traffic crisis brought on by load-
shedding would be exactly the sort of thing the metro cops are
there to handle. That some sort of strategy would have been
drawn up and put into action.
Dream on ...
Stats
CRICKET is a game where events on the field of play are captured
in a mass of statistics explaining what happened and how.
Those stats would be absolutely meaningless to a Martian or
an American. Even for those of us who love the game, the stats
themselves have a certain dryness.
Who would think that they could be made entertaining? Yet at
a meeting at Kingsmead the other evening of the Natal Cricket
Society, military historian Paul Kilmartin had the place rocking with
laughter. (Paul's speciality is World War I – world cricket is a side
interest).
His format is a quiz with some really obscure and arcane questions
(a surprising number of which some of our fellows were able to
answer), and when his audience are stumped, he supplies the
answers in a very off-beat way.
Paul is based in England. He goes to a curry restaurant in Maida
Vale, which has on the menu a Geoffrey Boycott curry – "It gives
you the runs slowly".
Great stuff!
Civilisation
READER Eric Hodgson sums up the status of our civilisation:
Our phones – wireless; cooking – fireless; cars – keyless; food
– fatless; tyres –tubeless; dress – sleeveless; youth – jobless;
leaders – shameless; relationships – meaningless; attitudes –
careless; babies – fatherless; feelings – heartless; education –
valueless; children – mannerless; country – Godless.
We are speechless. Government is clueless. Our politicians are
worthless.
Eric says he's scared ... er, it rhymes with witless.
Not Confucius
FRED Haupt sends in a list of things Confucius did NOT say:
• Man who wants pretty nurse must be patient.
• Passionate kiss, like spiderweb, leads to undoing of fly.
• Lady who goes camping with man must beware of evil intent.
• Squirrel who runs up woman's leg will not find nuts.
• Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.
• Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
• Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.
• Wise man not keep sledgehammer and slow computer in
same room.
• Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
basement.
• Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
• A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood.
Did Confucius really not say those things? Maybe he should have.
Tailpiece
NOTE on the fridge:
"My dear wife,
"You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54
years old, can no longer satisfy.
"I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after
reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I
will be spending the evening at the Comfort Inn Hotel with Chantelle, my
18 year old secretary.
"Please don't be upset. I shall be home before midnight."
Second note on the fridge:
"My dear husband,
"I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54
years old.. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are
also 54.
"As you know, I am a mathematics teacher at our local college. I would
like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with
Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant rugby coach. He is
young, virile, and (like your secretary) 18 years old.
"As a successful businessman with a mathematical brain, you will
understand that we are in the same situation, but with one small difference.
Eighteen goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore I
will not be home until sometime tomorrow."
Last word
I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean.
GK Chesterton
The Idler, Friday, March 27, 2015
Close but no cigar
'TWAS a sombre gathering the other evening at the Street Shelter for the Over-
Forties in the aftermath of the Cricket World Cup debacle.
What is it about our one-day game? With the arsenal of talent at our disposal to
remain top of the world ratings in five-day Test cricket, how is it that it doesn't
translate to the 50-overs game?
What lunacy inspired the selection of Vernon Philander, with no recent match time
due to injury, over the in-form Kyle Abbot?
And that collision in the field between Farhaan Behardien and JP Duminy – mama
mia! At this level?
Close, chaps, but no cigar. It's a rum old world.
Maybe the spirits will be lifted tomorrow against the Western Force (what ridiculous
names these professional sides have these days) who hail, I think, from Perth
Australia.
We watch with interest for red cards. There's a theory that there are elements in
Sanzar who want to whittle down the game to rugby league dimensions – 13 a side –
before eliminating the scrum as an area of real contestation.
It's got to be untrue. But after last Saturday's red cards, and the way scrumhalves are
allowed to put the ball in skew – you might as well have a monkey-scrum – you begin
to wonder.
See you in the Duikers!
Blame game
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener notes in his latest grumpy newsletter that
JZ has announced he is to personally take over the investigation of Eskom.
"This probably means that the main issue is not primarily a technical one since Zuma
most assuredly has zero skills in that area ... JZ needs to move in fast and see what
can be covered up and who deserves the blame – if not Jan van Riebeeck then maybe
Cecil Rhodes."
Ukraine bust
MEANWHILE, it's with great wistfulness that we read a news
snippet from the Ukraine.
"Two senior Ukrainian officials have been arrested during a cabinet
meeting as part of an anti-corruption crackdown, hours after a
powerful regional governor was sacked.
"The head of Ukraine's State Emergencies Service, Serhiy
Bochkovsky, and his deputy Vasyl Stoyetsky were handcuffed by
police at the televised meeting.
"They are suspected of involvement in high-level corruption.
"Earlier Ukraine's president sacked a billionaire governor, Ihor
Kolomoisky."
Yes, wistfulness is the word.
Glass ceiling
THERE'S mounting speculation as to whether Hillary Clinton
will manage to shatter "the highest and hardest glass ceiling"
by winning the Democrat presidential nomination, then actually
making it to the White House.
I take no position on this. I am strictly neutral.
But has it occurred to the gals that if Hillary makes it to the
White House, she will have to surround herself entirely with
males?
Bill would also be there, you see. All those interns ...
Stats
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties:
"Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not Happy."
Cockney idiom
FELL off the back of a lorry, Guv, know wot I mean, know wot I mean?
In Guizhou province in China the other day, it was almost five tons of it wot fell off
the back of a lorry.
Five tons of live catfish, that is. A faulty catch on the tailboard had them out on
the road – schloop! – and next thing it was firehouses to keep them wet and alive
and a bulldozer to scoop them up again.
We use here the Cockney argot, but Billingsgate fish market has nothing on this.
Signage
THE man who stole the show in Sweden's Eurovision final was – judging from
internet reaction – the fellow who writhed and danced to the music, making sign
language to convey the words of the songs to the deaf.
Millions watched Tommy Krangh on Facebook and YouTube. There are calls for him to
star in the grand final in Vienna, in May.
Hey, here's an opportunity for Thamsanqa Jantjie, the fellow who caused such an outcry
with his sign language at the Mandela memorial service. So what if a soulful ballad is
mimed as the gumboot dance?
Tailpiece
Defence lawyer: "The blood tests have come back. There's good news and bad news."
Client: "What's the bad news?"
Defence lawyer: "Your DNA matches the blood found on the victim,, the murder weapon
and the getaway car."
Client: "And the good news?"
Defence lawyer: "Your cholesterol level is down."
Last word
Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.
William Feather
The Idler, Thuirsday, March 26, 2015
One happy subscriber
SAINT Bernards seem to have given up brandy and are delivering The
Mercury instead. Reader "Rip" Riphagen, of Brighton Beach, says he has been
subscribing for a few years now.
"Recently I acquired a Saint Bernard and she fetches my paper for me every
morning from the driveway.
"And every morning, come sunshine or rain, snow or hail, hell, high water or
technology, tsunami or sirocco, your delivery men put my paper in a plastic
bag to protect it from the slobber. It is but a small thing but I am really very
thankful for that. I think it is extremely considerate of them.
"Please convey my sincere thanks to them. You may also buy them a Bells.
Just use some of the money you guys deduct from my bank account every
month.
"However when I told my friend Peter, who also has a Saint, about this he was
not impressed. He says his dog also brings him his paper every morning and
he doesn't even have a subscription.
"Perhaps I should start training my dog again. What do you think?"
I think you should speak to your friend Peter about his training methods, work
hard at it and by Christmas your Saint will deliver a keg of Bells, courtesy
of our circulation department. They're the most generous people you can
imagine.
Golden memories
NINETY-ONE-year-old Phyllis Larcombe sends in some charming
memories of Durban in the 1920s. They also feature the legendary
DHS schoolmaster, Bill Payne, who was an early Comrades
Marathon runner.
"My parents lived in a single-storey semi-detached house in
Essenwood Road, opposite where Musgrave Centre now stands.
Several of my mother's relatives lived in small houses between
Essenwood and Musgrave Roads.
"Her uncle, David Walsh, planted the baobab tree which was later
saved by the builders. It can be observed at the entrance to the
parking area of Musgrave Centre.
"My sister (now aged 95) played with the neighbour's three
daughters,
Jacqueline, Petal and Wendy. Their father was Bill Payne who was
one of the Comrades who started the Comrades Marathon.
"My mother was taken in a rickshaw to the Enfield Nursing Home
where I was born, 91 years ago.
"Bill Payne made a swing for the children. The ropes were on a
very high tree branch. When he swung them, they went over the
dividing fence. His wife was standing in the kitchen doorway and
remonstrated with him. He turned to her and said: 'Oh, don't be
such a wet Winnie,' in the idiom of those days.
"We moved away from Durban but went to Hibberdene and stayed
in a holiday cottage during the July holidays.
"At that time, I was nine years old. We were walking along the
railway line from sleeper to sleeper and could see the brown water
coming down
in flood in the river below.
"My mother exclaimed: 'Oh, look, there is a branch with an arm
over it.' The swimmer guided the branch to the bank and climbed
out of the water. My mother gasped: 'Oh look, it's Bill Payne." She
went over and spoke to him. Walking back, with my mother, she
told me all these things about the early Durban days."
Rugby boots
PART of the Bill Payne legend is that he ran the Comrades in
his rugby boots, stopped off at Botha's Hill for a curry and rice
and a quart of beer, then was given a glass of peach brandy by a
spectator around Cato Ridge, which served like rocket fuel for him
to finish the race.
It seems he also enjoyed swimming in flooded rivers.
Tailpiece
AN OLD man of 90 is sitting on a park bench crying.
A policeman asks: "What's the matter?"
"I just got married to a 25-year-old woman. Every morning we make love, she
makes me a wonderful breakfast, and we then have fun together, laughing
and relaxing. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we
make love again and have fun together, laughing and relaxing. At dinner time
she makes me a wonderful supper and then we relax more and really enjoy
ourselves."
"You shouldn't be crying, you should be the happiest man in the world."
"I know. I'm crying because I can't remember where I live!"
Last word
He wrapped himself in quotations - as a beggar would enfold himself in the
purple of Emperors.
Rudyard Kipling
Ther Idler, Wednesday, March 2015
Singapore strongman
LEE Kuan Yew, Singapore's first prime minister, who died this
week aged 91, was not exactly a poster boy for libertarianism.
He imposed discipline. He cracked down hard on layabouts and
malcontents. Chewing gum was banned. Drop a stompie on the
pavement and you'd go to jail. Long hair in men was banned (Too
bad for the Bee Gees and Led Zeppelin). Express yourself through
graffiti and you'd get caned.
But he took the place by the scruff of the neck and transformed
it into an Asian Tiger. Singapore had been a colonial backwater,
sporadically convulsed by rioting between its Chinese, Malay and
Indian ethnic groups.
No more. Lee promoted a work ethic. Jobs were created, people
were too busy to squabble. He took the poor out of the slums and
put them in apartment blocks. But they had to work.
Singaporean shipping became a world powerhouse. Similarly
with high- tech industry and banking. The government created the
space for those who wanted to work.
Lee was tough and ruthless. But he operated transparently and
within the law (he was a British-trained barrister).
I once heard him being interviewed. When it was put to him that
many considered him authoritarian, Lee just chuckled.
"Yes, I'm authoritarian. And every five years I go to the people and
they ask for more." It went on for three decades – election after
election that Lee won.
We look on somewhat wistfully. Which island state has the more
resonance here – Singapore or Cuba?
Red cards
LET'S be honest, the weather rescued us last Saturday. You
can't hope to play and win, one man short, against a team like the
Waikato Chiefs in normal handling conditions.
That horrendous downpour and gale-force wind narrowed the gap.
The Sharks were able to hang in there grimly and pull it off. Epic
stuff – but we wouldn't have done it in normal conditions. Not one
man short for most of the game.
Which brings us to this wretched question of red cards. Yes,
thuggery has to be stamped out. In a physical game like rugby, it
can be allowed no traction.
But does the match have to be castrated? Do the many thousands
of fans have to watch something second-rate? Fifteen men versus
14 (or in last Saturday's case 14 against 13)?
Punish the transgressors by all means. Give them heavy fines and
long suspensions. But let somebody come on off the bench. Let
the game continue as a true contest.
The IRB really need to think this one through.
Numbers
SOME number crunching that perhaps explains why South African
Airways is in such financial distress.
QANTAS (Australian) has 32 500 employees serving a total of 252
aircraft - 129 employees per aircraft
American Airlines has 87 897 employees serving a total of 618
aircraft - 142 employees per aircraft
Delta Airlines has 106 216 employees serving a total of 722
aircraft - 147 employees per aircraft
British Airways has 36 832 employees serving a total of 238
aircraft - 154 employees per aircraft
United Airlines has 115 149 employees serving a total of 710
aircraft - 162 employees per aircraft
South African Airways has 55 500 employees serving a total of 58
aircraft - 957 employees per aircraft.
Hey, but those 957 pump the tyres in fine style!
Sterling stuff
A READER who calls himself Hughbythesea supplies another
adaptation of the Jack and Jill nursery rhyme.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half-a-crown,
She was no parson's daughter.
Tailpiece
THE 10 senior members of the board of directors are called
one by one into the chairman's office. Eventually only a newly
appointed junior director is left sitting outside. Then he is called in.
The chairman and the 10 other directors are seated round a table.
He is invited to join them.
The chairman asks in a stern voice: "Have you ever
had sex with Mrs. Foyt, my secretary?"
"Oh, no sir, positively not!".
"Are you absolutely sure?"
"Honestly, I've never been close enough to even touch her!"
"You'd swear to that?"
"Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Mrs. Foyt anytime,
anywhere."
"Good. Then you can fire her!"
Last word
When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialled in my absence and
sentenced to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my
absence.
Brendan Behan
The Idler, Tuesday, March 24, 2015
Police harassment
THE police in Chula Vista, California, ran an e-mail forum with the local community,
the topic being, "Community Policing." One of the participants posed the following
question: "I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually
harass people and get away with it?"
From the law enforcement side, a Sergeant Bennett gave a comprehensive reply:
"It's not easy. In Chula Vista, we average one cop for every 600 people.
Only about 60% of those cops are on general patrol duty where we do most of our
harassing.
"At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty and available
for harassing people. while the rest are off duty. So roughly one cop is responsible for
harassing about 5 000 residents.
"When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people
from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible
for harassing 10 000 or more people a day.
"Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36 000 seconds long. This gives a cop
one second to harass a person, and then only threequarters of a second to eat a
doughnut and then find a new person to harass.
"This is not an easy task. What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down
those people which we can realistically harass.
"The tools available to us are as follows:
• "Phone: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on
a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code
phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special
harassment. Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house." The
harassment team is then put into action.
• "Car: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to
harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no insurance or no driver's licences
and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing
more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the
harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk or
have an outstanding warrant on file.
• "Runners: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer.
Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a beagle on the scent
of a bunny. When you catch them you can harass them for hours to determine
why they didn't want to talk to us.
• "Statutes: When we don't have phones or cars and have nothing better to
do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks.
They are called statutes, criminal codes, motor vehicle codes etc... They spell
out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people. After you
read the statute, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone
violating one of these listed offences and harass them. Just last week I saw
a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's
not allowed. That meant I got permission to harass this guy. It's a really cool
system that we've set up, and it works pretty well ..."
Durban is launching an inquiry into the metro police? Let's have Sergeant Bennett, of
the Chula Vista police department, California, as an expert witness. Clearly, what we
need is constant police harassment.
Tailpiece
A FELLOW is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university
library. He asks a girl: "Do you mind if I squeeze in beside you
here?"
She replies in a loud voice: ""No, I don't want to spend the night
with you!"
Everyone stares, shocked. He slinks away to another table.
Next thing the girl gets up and walks over to him. She laughs:
"I study psychology. I know what a man is thinking. You felt
embarrassed right? This is for a research project I'm involved in."
He replies in a loud voice the whole place can hear: "R800 for one
night? That's robbery!"
Then he whispers in her ear. "I'm studying law. We'll take you
psychos down any day."
Last word
I'm as pure as the driven slush.
Tallulah Bankhead
The Idler, Monday, March 23, 2015
GOODNESS gracious ... great balls of fire .... The lyrics of Jerry
Lee Lewis came to mind the other evening at the Beachwood
course of Durban Country Club.
The clubhouse looks out onto a practice putting green, then
magnificent rolling fairways. 'Tis a most salubrious place to take
ale and talk about rugby.
Evening was falling. But as it got darker, golfers were still
sauntering out to practice on the putting green or tee off.
They had with them brightly luminous golf balls – red, yellow, lime-
green, orange and white. I'd never seen or heard of such a thing
before.
They're proper golf balls, yet they give off this bright luminosity.
The fairways themselves are marked with glowing lights, like
landing strips. I understand the bunkers and greens are similarly
marked.
Because of their aura of luminosity, the balls look larger than
normal golf balls as they roll across the green, but that's an
illusion. These are the genuine article. And it's almost impossible
to lose them in the rough.
I suppose there's the risk of a plane mistaking Beachwood for
Virginia and following the strip lights to land on the fairway, but it's
an outside chance.
Apparently night golf is all the rage these days. Golfers with balls
that glow in the dark – the mind, senor, she boggles!
,
Old Transkei
BARRY Payn, of Port Edward, confirms my recollection of a red-
haired fellow named Geoff Allen who used to put over place kicks
barefoot at Maritzburg College in the 1960s. Also that he was from
Lusikisiki, where his parents ran the Royal Hotel.
"I was from Flagstaff and I used to travel with Blue and Geoff."
(Blue was Geoff's older brother)
Yes, the old Royal Hotel, Lusikisiki. Blue and Geoff's dad was a
retired doctor. Above the bar was his old brass nameplate – Dr
Allen FRCP (Fellow of the Royal College of Physicians)
And underneath that were the initials: "WYBMADIITY."
Newcomers would ask what they stood for. The barman would
reply: "Will you buy me a drink if I tell you?"
"Okay."
"Well I've just told you." The barman would then read it backwards:
"You think I intend drinking a mineral but you're wrong!"
Yes, as Barry says, some strange stuff came out of the old
Transkei.
A READER who calls himself Hughbythesea sens in another variation on the Jack and Jill nursery
rhyme.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
to fetch a pail of water
Jill came down with half-a-crown
She was no parson's daughter
.
FO Stanford
DOES anyone know anything about – or better still have a photograph of – a Flying
Officer Nicholas James Stanford, who was from Greytown, KwaZulu-Natal, and died
on May 4, 1943, when his Royal Air Force Lancaster bomber was shot down in a raid
over Friesland, the Netherlands.
Colonel Maryna Fondse, South African military attaché to the Benelux countries,
is anxious to include a photograph of FO Stanford in an information board for a
memorial to himself and his crew, all of whom also died, in the cemetery at the town
of Workum,
She needs it for the Remembrance Day ceremonies on April 16.
FO Stanford had a cousin, Felicity O'Grady, who died in Cape Town in 1990. She in
turn had a daughter, Teresa Ethelwynne O'Grady, of whom the air force can find no
trace, though she is thought to have had the married name Nash but was divorced.
Can anyone out there assist?
Tailpiece
AN ENGINEER branches into quack medicine. A
sign at his clinic reads: "Any treatment R500. If
treatment unsuccessful, refund R1 000."
A doctor puts him to the test. He goes to the
engineer's and says: "I've lost the sense of taste."
"Nurse, please bring medicine from Box 22. Put
three drops in the patient's mouth."
"This is petrol!"
"Congratulations! Your sense of taste is back. That
will be R500."
The doctor comes back a couple of days later:
"I've lost my memory, I can't remember anything."
"Nurse, bring medicine from Box 22 and put three
drops in the patient's mouth."
"But that's petrol!"
"Congratulations! You've got your memory back.
That will be R500."
The doctor comes back yet again: "My eyesight
has become weak."
"I don't have any medicine for that. Take this R1
000."
"But this is R500."
"Congratulations! You got your vision back.
That'll be R500."
Give that engineer a Bells!
Last word
Scepticism, like chastity, should not be relinquished too readily.
George Santayana
The Idler, Friday, March 20
Seize the opportunity!
LET'S be constructive about this dispute between the city and Top Gear. Let's
turn it to our advantage. Let's take a leaf out of the book of Salt Lake City, in the
US.
At Salt Lake City, Mitt Romney, former governor of Massachusetts and former
candidate for president, is going to get into the ring and fight Evander Holyfield,
former heavyweight world boxing champion.
It's in aid of charity. Romney's connection with Salt Lake City is that he helped
organise the Winter Olympics there in 2002.
Bingo! Why not put city manager S'bu Sithole in the ring with Jeremy Clarkson?
A full 15 rounds, the man left standing gets half the takings. Moses Mabhida
stadium would be a sell-out. The city could use its share to offset the cost of the
Commonwealth Games.
Clarkson, as we know, has been in heavy training, decking BBC production
assistants and so forth, but there's time for S'bu to catch up. I'm sure the metro
police could devise a rigorous training programme for him and allow him the use
of their gym. He can get into practice, clipping a few of his clerical staff down at
city hall. It's all in a good cause, they won't mind.
It's time to think outside the box!
Ready Aye Ready
THE police in Toronto, Canada, have been puzzled by the
discovery of a tunnel dug under woodland near York University.
It extends about 10m, is well constructed with wooden supports,
about 3m underground, and had in it a gas generator and a sump
pump for extracting groundwater.
Hanging from a nail were a rosary and a Remembrance Day
poppy.
Who could have been responsible for this? My thoughts went
immediately to Merchiston Preparatory School, in Maritzburg. Had
a Merchistonian emigrated to Canada?
Back in the 50s a movie came out, The Wooden Horse. This was
about British prisoners-of-war escaping from a German camp.
They tunnelled their way out, hiding the surplus earth they'd dug
inside a wooden exercise horse they used, which also covered the
mouth of the tunnel. They surreptitiously disposed of the earth, the
German guards never suspecting a thing.
The Merchiston boarders – this was at the old premises in Burger
Street – were encouraged to cultivate a vegetable garden in a
corner of the grounds. Seedling boxes were in place. After the
screening of The Wooden Horse, tunnels made their appearance
beneath each seedling box.
Most of these tunnels wandered rather aimlessly. But one was
ambitious, targeted. Its excavators planned to go right under
Commercial Road and come up inside Oxenham's Bakery, where
the diggers would be able to seize pies and cake.
But, alas, they were frustrated. They discovered that roads actually
have deep and impassable foundations.
On reflection, this was desperately dangerous stuff. The teaching
staff would have had kittens if they'd known about it. I recall having
a conversation with the kamp kommandant, er headmaster, about
the contents of a seedling box, he absolutely unaware that in the
tunnel beneath that box was another small boy with a paraffin
lamp.
The earth must have been of just the right loam. The marvel is
that there was not a single collapse, not a casualty. Enthusiasm
waned, new movies brought new ideas. The tunnels were
abandoned. They're possibly still there. I don't think the staff ever
had the faintest inkling of what had been going on for a few weeks.
I still shudder when I think of it.
The Canada thing? A fellow named Elton McDonald has now
come forward and says he and a friend dug the tunnel, it seems
just to have a place to chill out and relax. It seems no law has
been broken. I wonder – does Elton have any connection with
Merchiston?
Tailpiece
TWO paintings are hanging in an art gallery. Both are still lifes by
the same artist. Each features a laid table with a glass of wine, a
plate of bread rolls and a plate of ham. One is priced R1 000, the
other R1 500.
"Why the price difference?" asks a customer.
"You get more ham with the expensive one."
Last word
I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending
a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time
looking for the paper I wrote it down on.
Beryl Pfizer
The Idler, Thursday, March 19, 2015
The bugle calls
MATTERS are becoming fraught with all these injuries in the Sharks camp and the
insistence of Saru that our Springboks should be rested – just when the Waikato
Chiefs are in town.
The permutations of this enforced R&R are by no means clear, but it would be a
travesty if a team that gelled so nicely last weekend were not allowed to keep ramping
it up because of enforced personnel changes.
But a crisis is a crisis and we of the rugby brotherhood will rally to the cause.
As it happens, I attend a regular rugby colloquium in Durban North of players of
yesteryear. We have earnestly discussed the crisis and come up with a makeshift
solution.
Keith Parkinson is available to stand in for Bismarck if necessary over coming weeks.
Pete Ripley-Evans similarly for Jannie. Trix Truter is available on the wing for JP
Pietersen. My old clubmate Freddie Davel can stand in for Patrick Lambie. And Brian
Schabram is available at scrumhalf if Cobus Reinach has to stand down. (And then I
will be on the bench for Schabie in case, at the age of 83, he should run out of puff).
It was fairly late by the time we came to this decision. The horse mentioned in the
Book of Job comes to mind: "He saith among the trumpets, Ha, ha;
and he smelleth the battle afar off, the thunder of the captains,
and the shouting ..."
Avante! Avante! These rugby colloquiums can get quite lively.
Sixty-yarder
EARLIER this week Zoltan de Rosner mentioned an Under-19 inter-provincial at
King's Park in the late fifties when a Transvaal prop forward took off his boot to goal
a penalty from his own 10-yard line.
Now Bernard Ravno tells us he actually played in that game, which he thinks was
against Northern Transvaal, not Transvaal.
"Zoltan is quite correct – a burly opposition prop forward did indeed kick a penalty
over from his own 10 yard line. However I don't recall him removing his boots to do
so, but then I also cannot recall the final score, so he may well have done."
Bernard says the Springbok trials were held the following week. At the last moment
one of the prop forwards in the D team could not play and so they called up the Under
19 "mighty booter" to fill in.
"What happened thereafter I cannot recall, nor his name – except that I had played
against him the previous Saturday."
Yech!
A WEEK or so ago, Sally Bosch was unable to read this column
because we also had a picture of a cockroach with a radio tag
attached. Cockroaches give her the hebbie-jeebies, even a picture
of one, and she couldn't bear to look at it.
And it gets worse. She can't stand insecticide spray. It makes her
physically ill.
Sally has strung together a few lines on this twin aversion. It's titled
Don't Bug Me!
I don't like ugly bugs,
But I cannot stand the spray.
I'd rather have the goggas
And noo-noos any day.
I really do not like bugs,
Roaches scare me silly,
But bug-spray is what bugs me most.
In fact it drives me dilly.
Keep your spray away from me,
And leave those bugs alone!
I beg of you, I'm on my knees.
Please wait until I'm gone!
Water sommelier
NEWS from America – a restaurant in Los Angeles
offers diners a list of 20 types of bottled water.
Water sommelier Martin Riese also offers regular
"water tastings" – like wine tastings – where people
are able to discover their favourite blend.
Selections at a recent tasting included Iskilde,
Danish glacier water that evokes childhood
memories of tasting raindrops, and Roi, a high-
magnesium water from Slovenia that has a metallic
taste.
There's nothing strange about this. At the Street
Shelter for the Over-Forties we have regular water
tastings. The preferred blend usually involves The
Famous Grouse (aka Die Beroemde Tarentaal) or
Klipdrift.
Tailpiece
"HI, you logged a call with tech support. What
seems to be the problem?"
"It's this damned computer. It does whatever in the
hell it wants. It's supposed to do only what I tell it
to."
"Listen lady, it's a computer not a husband."
Last word
Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
Mark Twain
The Idler, Wednesday, March 18, 2015
Durban curry contest
DETAILS come this way of a curry contest right here in Durban,
where a visiting American gastronome joined two local judges.
Here are the scorecard notes
* Seelan's Maniac Monster tomato curry.
Judge 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge 2 -- Nice smooth tomato flavour. Very mild.
Judge 3 - Holy cow! What the hell is this stuff? You could
remove paint with it. Took me two beers to put the
flames out.
* Phoenix BBQ chicken curry
Judge 1 - Smoky, with a hint of chicken. Slight chilli tang.
Judge 2 - Exciting BBQ flavour, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
Judge 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children! I'm tasting pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich
manoeuvre! They had to rush in more beer...
* Shamila's famous Burn Down The Garage curry.
Judge 1 - Excellent firehouse curry. Great kick.
Judge 2 - A bit salty, good use of chilli peppers.
Judge 3 - Call 911. I've located a uranium pill. My nose feels like
I've been snorting drain cleaner. Everyone knows the routine by
now - more beer before I ignite! I'm getting pickled.
* Baboo's Black Magic bean curry.
Judge 1 -- Black bean curry with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a curry.
Judge 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds?
* Lall's Lethal Lip Remover.
Judge 1 - Meaty, strong curry. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge 2 - Average beef curry, could use more tomato. Must admit
the chili peppers make a strong statement.
Judge 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I can no longer focus my eyes. Shareen saved my tongue
from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. The
other judges asked me to stop screaming.
* Verishnee's Vegetarian Variety.
Judge - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety curry. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge 3 - My intestines are filled with gaseous, sulphuric flames..
Can't feel my lips any more.
* Selina's Mother-in-Law's Tongue curry
Judge 1 - A mediocre curry with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
Judge 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. (I am worried about Judge 3. He
appears to be in a bit of distress).
Judge 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds like it is made of rushing water.
* Naidoo's Toenail Curling curry.
Judge 1 - The perfect ending. This is a nice blend curry. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced curry. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge 3
passed out, fell over and pulled the curry pot down on top of
himself. Not sure he's going to make it. Poor man, I wonder how
he'd have reacted to really hot curry?
Judge 3 - No report.
See you at the Britannia.
Rhyme time
REGULAR telephone contact Barrie "with an 'ie'" proffers a
nursery rhyme.
Jack and Jill went up the hill,
Each with a dollar and a quarter.
Jill came down with two dollars and a half,
Do you think for fetching water?
Veggies
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Potatoes
give us mashed potatoes, baked potatoes, roast potatoes,
chips AND vodka. These other vegetables need to get their act
together."
Tailpiece
TWO goats find a roll of celluloid film on a vacant lot in Hollywood. They munch
away at it.
"Mmmmm, not bad,"says one.
"Not at all. But I think I preferred the book."
Last word
Wars teach us not to love our enemies, but to hate our allies.
W L George
The Idler, Tuesday, March 17, 2015
Wearing of the green
WIT a shillelagh at me arm and a twinkle in me oi, Oi'll be off to Tipperary
in de mornin' ... Yes, it's St Patrick's Day and all over the world dey'll be
marchin' and dancin' and drinkin' Guinness and wearin' de green.
In Dublin dey'll have bands from America, Mexico, Germany and Ireland
itself marchin' through de city.
In Chicago dey'll dye de river green for five hours.
In Boston – some call dis de real capital of Ireland – dey've got a surprise
guest for St Patrick's Day. De mayor, Marty Walsh, is goin' to introduce
what he calls de Boston Yeti.
Now a Yeti is de Abominable Snowman – we all know dat – but I suppose
as long as he's wearin' de green it's okay.
In London dey'll be sellin' Irish breakfast - Guinness sausage, black puddin'
and white puddin', all washed down with Guinness. Also Pie of the Week –
steak and Guinness, washed down with Guinness.
Here in Durban dere'll be Irish dancers, pipers and Guinness at de
Westville Club. Also de Blarney Brothers, black puddin' and Guinness at
de Barnyard Theatre in Umhlanga. Ah, de Blarney Brothers. You could be
back in Connemara.
And Cork – dear old Cork – dere dey'll be havin'Guinness, dey'll be singin'
Irish Rover, De Leavin' of Liverpool and all de rest of de ould songs; dey'll
be foightin' in de streets, foights movin' pub to pub.
What's dat you say? Dat happens every night in Cork? Well, dat's true but
tonight dey'll be wearin' de green ...
Stoopid
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener takes issue in his latest grumpy newsletter
with the "stupid and pointless" argument about the race of shareholders on the JSE.
"All kinds of folk have rushed into the fray waving calculators and data in support
of their own view. The unexplained part is why or how anyone is able to issue any
analysis broken down by skin colour. Even discarding for a moment the fact that very
few shareholders are own name individuals, unless the JSE's client broker accounting
systems have changed recently, there has never been a field to record the race of a
stockbroker's client."
Barefoot
ZOLTAN de Rosner, of Pennington, joins the chit-chat about round-the-
corner and barefoot kicking in rugby.
"It reminds me of an Under-19 curtain-raiser
between Transvaal and Natal shortly after the King's Park opening.
"Transvaal were awarded a penalty on their 10-yard line (yes, yards in
those days) and up stepped a short, stocky front row forward who heeled a
hole in the pitch, placed the ball upright – as was the way in those days –
then, to a huge chorus of oohs, aahs and laughing, sat down and removed his
right boot.
"He then addressed the ball stepped back five paces and, trundling up,
kicked it toe-first some 60 yards, right through the middle of the posts.
"The crowd erupted as he sat down, replaced his boot, got up and continued
the game.
"I can't remember who won and I'm sure those of your readers who were
there can't either."
Yes, it's not just Lusikisiki where everyone kicks barefoot. They're pretty
hot on it in Bez Valley also.
Chick lit
OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Feminist
literature? You mean cook books?"
Tailpiece
AN IRISH scrumhalf is standing before the Pearly Gates. A voice booms:
"Seamus O'Neill is there any sin you have not confessed?"
"Well yes, dere is, I'm ashamed to say. It was a Test match against England
at Lansdowne Road. We were two points behind, almost on full time. Dere
was a maul right on de English line. Den de ball just popped back sudden-
like. I went for it, round de side of de maul. I knocked it on very slightly but
de ref was unsighted. I flung myself across de line. De try was awarded.
We won de Six Nations. But I know it was a knock-on. It's always bin on my
conscience."
"Seamus O'Neill, that is no sin at all. You may enter.""
"Oh, tank you, St Peter, tank you!"
"It's St Peter's day off. Dis is St Patrick."
Last word
The great Gaels of Ireland are the men that God made mad. For all their wars are merry, and
all their songs are sad. - GK Chesterton
The Idler, Monday, March 16, 2015
This involved plot
LAST of the Summer Wine was a long-running British TV saga
set in the Yorkshire village of Holmfirth. For 38 years its personal
intrigue, drama and comedy kept people enthralled, not just in
Britain but around the world. For 25 of those years Juliette Kaplan
played the part of Pearl, the battleaxe Yorkshire lady in the beret
and glasses.
Ee bah goom! A reet 'arridan that oon. As they say: "Yorkshire
born, Yorkshire bred. Strong in arm, thick in 'ead."
Except that Juliette is anything but a harridan – she's bouncy,
cheeky and full of fun. Not a trace of a Yorkshire brogue – she's an
actress after all and can imitate just about anything – and in fact
she was born in Bournemouth, Hampshire, and spent her early
years in South Africa, in Port Elizabeth.
How she comes to be presently at the Oyster Box, in Umhlanga
Rocks, is a tale as worthy in its intrigue and its twists and turns as
anything in Last of the Summer Wine.
Juliette has a half-brother in Durban. Until 20 years ago, she was
unaware of the existence of local businessman and former city
councillor Laurie Kaplan. He was semi-aware of her existence from
the time his dad showed him a newspaper photograph of British
actress Juliette Kaplan and said she was probably his daughter.
Juliette's dad was a South African who married her mother in
England. Juliette was born in 1939 and the family moved to Port
Elizabeth just as World War II broke out (her dad was in the navy).
But the parents divorced when Juliette was three. She had her
early schooling in Port Elizabeth until her mother took her to New
York when she was about nine – "that was what moulded me" –
then back to England where she studied drama and eventually
married.
Meanwhile, her dad had remarried without their knowing and
raised another family, Laurie among them. A generation on and
Laurie's daughter Lisa – a highly successful dancer who now
lives in America – found herself in London, where she decided to
pursue the legend of her actress aunt.
Through the actors' union, Equity, she got Juliette's telephone
number and gave her a call.
"One evening I got this call absolutely out of the blue from this girl
saying she thought she was my niece. Surprise is hardly the word.
So I said: 'Well, you'd better come round', which she did. And half
an hour later there she was sitting on the couch chatting to my
two daughters, her cousins, as if they'd known each other all their
lives.
"Lisa's a highly intelligent girl – quite unlike her dad, he radiates
unintelligence – and I took to her right away.
"Next thing we phoned Laurie in Durban. His first words to me
were: 'Thank God I'm not the eldest any more.'"
Juliette came on a visit with one of her daughters and the families
clicked. She's been a regular visitor ever since.
"I'm absolutely in love with KwaZulu-Natal. I love my family here,
I love all the people, I love the game parks and the animals. I love
the sea (at 76 she's a keen snorkeler). I try to come out as often as
I can."
This is the last of the summer tshwala.
At last!
GASP! At last they got it together. And in fine style. Most pleasing
was the way the Sharks drove them back in the tackles. Also the
quality of our rucking and mauling. And those driving mauls from
the line-outs. Lovely stuff!
Then in the Six Nations an absolutely pulsating match between
England and Scotland. The Scots at one stage seemed to have
it in the bag – that would have been a turn-up for the books -
but 'twas not to be.
And Wales beating Ireland, begorrah, indeed to goodness!
England, Ireland and Wales now level-pegging. Pressure cooker
stuff in the northern hemisphere. Roll on the World Cup!
Tailpiece
"WHERE'S my SUNDAY paper?" It didn't get delivered."
"Ma'am, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper gets printed tonight and delivered
tomorrow, on Sunday."
Long pause. Then: "Well, blow me down! That explains why there was no one at
church either."
Last word
If the English language made any sense, a catastrophe would be an
apostrophe with fur.
Doug Larson
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