Berea bear trap
SUCH excitement at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties on
Maundy Thursday – that giant sinkhole was right outside.
What happened was that one of the pipes to the draught pumps
sprang a leak, scouring out the road's underfill and creating a huge
underground lake of beer.
Two hefty wenches were crossing at the intersection to attend the
Thursday evening quiz competition.
Then – collapso! – the ground gave way under them, the sinkhole
yawned and the two wenches were "treading water" in beer. They
emerged after swallowing about a gallon apiece and were in fine
form for the quiz, though their answers didn't quite tally with the
quizmaster's.
In fact some of their answers were so studded with exotic
language, they had to be asked to tone down or leave.
The breweries folk fixed the leak and all we were left with was the
sinkhole. And of course a large gaping hole outside a place like the
Street Shelter is like a bear trap. All kinds of citizens were found at
the bottom next morning – including the proprietor, I'm told. Tsk,
tsk!
Life is eventful these days. If it's not power cuts, it's sinkholes.
BE CAREFUL when choosing your company signage on the
internet. Beau Lintner sends in some examples of where things
were not quite thought through:
• Who Represents is where you can find the name of the
agent who represents any celebrity. Their website is:
• Experts Exchange is a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at:
• Looking for a great pen? Look no further than Pen
Island. It can be found at: www.penisland.net
• Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at:
• Then there's the Italian Power Generator company.
Check it out at: www.powergenitalia.com
• IP Computer Software? Try: www.ipanywhere.com
• And the designers at Speed of Art await you at their
website: www.speedofart.com
Contradiction
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener spots a stunning
contradiction in recent statements by President JZ.
In his latest grumpy newsletter he says the president said too
many people were reliant on state hand-outs. Then, almost in the
same breath, he promised that about a billion rands would be set
aside for low interest loans for businessmen selected by race.
"Without dwelling on the likely unconstitutionality of that policy, the
contradiction is stunning and is a perfect example of the lack of
understanding of how economies work.
"Any business that survives only because of taxpayer subsidies
is not adding any value. The president also complained that this
step was necessary because commercial lenders were refusing
to supply cash to these applicants, but failed to spot that this
was most likely because the banks saw a low probability that the
businesses would be able to repay the loan.
"Governments of course have no such qualms."
Why indeed?
THE scenes of jubilation among the Aussies after winning the
Cricket World Cup final in Melbourne remind Michael Green
– retired editor of our sister newspaper, the Daily News – of
something he read years ago in the now-defunct Boys' Own
Paper.
"An innocent little schoolboy was quoted as writing in an
essay: 'Why do footballers kiss each other when they've scored?
They're not married, they're not even engaged'."
A very good question.
Statues struggle
IAN Gibson, poet laureate of Hillcrest, pens some lines on the
current controversy over statues.
Don't you wish you were a struggle hero
Instead of colonial white and quite a zero;
To stride the high ground
With morals true and sound?
But no! Jan Van Riebeeck won't let go!
Tailpiece
THEY'VE finally tied the knot after living together for years. One
evening he's cleaning his golf shoes.
She says: "Honey, now that we're married isn't it time you quit
golfing? Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."
He looks at her in total horror.
"Darling, what's wrong?"
"For a moment there you were sounding like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife?" she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"
"I wasn't."
Last word
The only thing that scares me more than space aliens is the idea that there
aren't any space aliens. We can't be the best that creation has to offer. I pray
we're not all there is. If so, we're in big trouble.
Ellen DeGeneres
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