Roly-poly coppers
THE ONLY advantage of a fat policeman is that when he sits on a suspect, that individual stays sat-upon. The problem – as national police commissioner Bheki Cele obviously recognises – is that there is a difficulty in getting the fat policeman into place to sit on the suspect. Pickpockets and other street miscreants are notoriously lean and fleet of foot.
It's encouraging that the commissioner is about to engage the services of leading sportsmen to help get the cops into proper physical shape. Just looking around, there's a lot of work to be done. It could also be entertaining to watch the workouts. A field of portly desk sergeants doing the 100m hurdles would be a sight worth seeing.
But let us not be over-rigid. There could perhaps still be a role for a handful of strategically placed sumo wrestlers in blue, waiting to be whistled up in the appropriate circumstances - like the dog squad – when unruly elements require sitting upon.
A case for Sergeant Mafuta – squish! Problem solved!
What a choice!
PITY THE Brits. They're in deep recession and they have an election coming up some time in the next six months.
Their choice: Gordon Brown, who flogged off most of the country's gold reserves a few years ago, has put future generations deeply in hock through his borrowings and refuses to cut public spending. Or David Cameron, an old Etonian who has embarked on a campaign in which he goes about without a tie – old boys' or otherwise – in an attempt to establish his credentials as a knockabout proletarian. It's toe-curlingly embarrassing.
This week he borrowed somebody's baby to cradle in a maternity ward in what his handlers call a "photo opportunity."
IT'S not quite Churchillian stuff. Where is Screaming Lord Sutch and his Monster Raving Loony Party? His time has come.
The real villain
WHO WAS the biggest mass killer in history? Hitler? Stalin? Mao? Pol Pot?
Nope. Sir Walter Raleigh, according to a book titled The World Records Guinness Forgot. He introduced tobacco and potatoes to Europe from America, making possible cigarettes and crisps which are two of the greatest contributors to ill-health and death in the western world.
Okay, but at least he had manners. He threw his cloak over a puddle so that Elizabeth I could walk over it.
The same book – by British radio personalities Hugh Denning, Jon Holmes and Steve Punt – also poses other questions:
What is the least aggressive primate in the world?
Dr Rowan Williams, Archbishop of Canterbury and Primate of All England.
What is the most pointless piece of etiquette?
Not turning your back on the Queen. There's no need for this, she doesn't steal.
And so it goes on. Guinness, eat your heart out!
High drama
More FROM Bill Bryson's Bizarre World (Warner Books).
When New York policeman Joseph Piotkowski spotted a man perched high up on Manhattan Bridge, he bravely risked his life to inch his way up the girders to try to talk the man into coming down. Arriving breathlessly at the top, Piotkowski asked the man what had driven him to climb up there. ""It's my job, damn it!" snapped the man. "I'm an inspector for the Department of Public Works."
Tailpiece
SITTING on the side of the highway, a police officer sees a car puttering along at 22 km/h. He turns on his lights and sallies forth to pull the driver over. The car is driven by an old lady and has four more old ladies as passengers. These are wide-eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver says: "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit. What' the problem?"
"Ma'am, you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."
"Slower than the speed limit? I was doing the speed limit exactly. Twenty-two kilometres an hour." .
The police officer explains that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: Is everything OK in this car? These women seem awfully shaken."
"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute. We just got off Highway 189."
Last word
The important thing is not to stop questioning.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
No comments:
Post a Comment