See ya later, alligator!
CROCODILES are starting to steal the limelight in the annual Dusi canoe marathon. What nobody has explained is why they should suddenly be making an appearance in the Umgeni. Apart from the brief and freakish appearance of a croc in the Umgeni estuary about 40 years ago, as far as I know they have until now strayed no further south than the Tugela.
Why the change? Is this a result of global warming? Have river temperatures risen? At Muden a couple of years ago, two monster crocs were discovered in the Mooi River. Granted, the Mooi is a tributary of the crocodile-infested Tugela, but then it's also always been considered a cold-water river. Not far upstream they're catching trout.
Or are the Umgeni crocs just a manifestation of KwaZulu-Natal's general return to wilderness as eco-tourism takes hold, farms become game reserves and lions, leopards and the rest make a big come-back?
In my part of the Berea we sometimes get genets – those small spotted wild cats – running about the ceiling in the evenings. Leopards would be a confounded nuisance.
Purist prof
THE ABOVE recalls the lines of Ogden Nash:
I give you now Professor Twist,
A conscientious scientist,
Trustees exclaimed, "He never bungles!"
And sent him off to distant jungles.
Camped on a tropic riverside,
One day he missed his loving bride.
She had, the guide informed him later,
Been eaten by an alligator.
Professor Twist could not but smile.
"You mean," he said, "a crocodile."
Laugha Way
THE AUSSIES have real style when it comes to naming streets. Reader Phyllis Freemantle sends in the street names chosen for a tent/campervan city at Woodford Folk Festival, held between Christmas and New Year about an hour's drive from Brisbane.
Whimma Way; Inthefamily Way; Deadgivea Way; Anchorsa Way; Amangerfara Way; Timeslipsa Way; Ferretgotta Way; Rainraingoa Way; Wheretheresawilltheresa Way; and so on - about 50, she says.
Street names? Humour? Never in Durban!
Bill McLaren
RUGBY has lost one of its legends. Bill McLaren, who died about a week ago at the age of 86, would almost certainly have played for Scotland in the 1950s, when tuberculosis intervened. He recovered then went on to become one of the game's leading commentators with BBC radio and television.
His mellow Scots baritone was easy on the ear. His depth of knowledge of the game, and his understanding of its ethos, were phenomenal. He was scrupulously non-partisan.
"He didn't just reflect rugby's camaraderie and ethos, he helped inspire it," according to Brendan Gallagher, rugby writer on the London Telegraph. "Right sport, right man, right time."
In 2002, on his retirement from the commentary box, the crowd at Cardiff Arms Park for the Wales/Scotland international sang For He's A Jolly Good Fellow. One Welsh supporter unfurled a banner proclaiming: "Bill McLaren is Welsh".
That says it all.
Tailpiece
AN ELDERLY man on a battered moped pulls up at a traffic light next to a wealthy doctor in a sleek, shiny car.
"What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"
"A Ferrari GTO," says the doctor. "It can do 400 kilometres an hour. It cost half a million bucks."
"Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem, go ahead."
The old man pokes his head in at the window and looks around. Then he gets back on his moped and says: "That's a pretty nice car, but I guess I'll stick with my moped."
The light changes. The doctor decides to put on a show.
Within 30 seconds he's doing 160 km/h. Then he sees a dot in his rear view mirror. It's getting closer. He slows down to see what it could be.
Then who-o-o-osh! Something whips by.
It's the old man on the moped. The doctor gives the Ferrari more gas and passes at 275 km/h. Then he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again. He floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 400 km/h.
But the moped is gaining on him again. The Ferrari is flat out. Then – thump! – the moped ploughs into the rear end of the car.
The doctor stops and jumps out. The old man is still alive.
"I'm a doctor, I'll help you."
The old man whispers: "Just unhook my suspenders from your side mirror."
Last word
All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence; then success is sure.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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