Who's counting?
HIGH comedy last weekend as it turned out that Welsh rugby club Ospreys briefly had 16 men on the field in their European Cup match against Leicester. Where does the 16th man hide himself when a scrum goes down?
The referee had angry words on the touchline with the Ospreys management. Now Leicester have lodged a formal complaint, claiming the extra Ospreys player interfered materially with play, possibly costing them the match (they lost 17-12) and the opportunity to play in the competition quarter-finals.
Ospreys in response claim Leicester also had an extra man on the field at one stage.
If this is premiership rugby in Britain, what's it like in fourth division?
It recalls the case in South Africa when a streaker tackled a Western Province player as he was about to score against Free State, robbing Province of a place in the Currie Cup semi-finals.
The SABC had a policy of ignoring streakers, turning the camera away. Listeners to the Afrikaans commentary were astonished to suddenly hear: "En hy word deur die kaal man gevat!"
Things kids say
SMALL kids (and their parents) can be a barrel of laughs. Some examples that have come this way:
· "I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my five-year-old shout from the back seat: 'Mom, that lady isn't wearing a seat belt!'"
* On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. It read: "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."
* A woman was trying hard to get the tomato sauce out of the jar. The phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone. "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."
* A little boy got lost and found himself in the women's locker room. The room burst into shrieks, ladies grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in amazement: "What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a little boy before?"
* Police report: "While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was interrupted by a little girl about six. Looking up and down at my uniform, she asked: 'Are you a cop?' I answered 'Yes' and continued writing the report. 'My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask the police. Is that right?' I told her: 'Yes, that's right.' She extended her foot toward me: 'Well, then, would you please tie my shoe?'"
* "While working for an organisation that delivers lunches to the elderly, I used to take my four-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered: 'The tooth fairy will never believe this!'"
* A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned: 'Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit.'
'And why not, darling?'
'You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning.'
* A little girl had just finished her first week of school. "I'm just wasting my time," she said to her mother "I can't read, I can't write, and they won't let me talk!"
* A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly something fell out of the bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages. "Mama, look what I found," the boy called out.
"'What have you got there, dear?"
With astonishment: "I think it's Adam's underwear!"
Tailpiece
WHAT do you call a dog in jeans and a sweater? A plainclothes police dog.
Last word
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
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