Read all about it!
WACKY headlines are almost an art form. Reader Rob Loreiro sends in a collection that appears to originate in the United States.
* Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
· Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
* Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
* Panda Mating Fails;Veterinarian Takes Over
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* Miners Refuse to Work after Death
* Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
* War Dims Hope for Peace
* If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
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* Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
* Enfield (London) Couple Slain;Police Suspect Homicide
* Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
* Man Struck By Lightning:Faces Battery Charge
* New Study of Obesity Looks for LargerTest Group
* Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
* Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
* Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
* Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Beauties
YES, THERE have been some beauts over the years. Unfortunately, the best of it - double entendre - is not suitable for publication in a family newspaper.
But there were the classics from World War II: "Monty flies back to front". Or: "Allies push bottles up German rear."
There was the editor of a provincial paper in England who insisted that anything concerning his home town should have the name in the headline. The story was of a tightrope walker who fell during his circus act. The sub-editor wrestled mightily with it. Headline: "Bolton crowd fallen into".
One of my favourites was a two-deck headline in capitals across two facing pages in the News of the World: "NUDIST CAMP MANAGER FINDS MODEL WIFE NAKED IN BED WITH CHINESE HYPNOTIST FROM CO-OP BACON FACTORY".
Now read on.
The chips are down
DID YOU know: there are more Catholic churches than casinos in Las Vegas?
Some worshippers at Sunday services give casino chips rather than cash when the collection is taken.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This, of course, is done by the Chip Monks.
Ouch! That's even worse than the Fish Friars.
Growth industry
STEVE Bekker, of Amanzimtoti, did not have quite the luck of the lady who had her handbag returned by the New York cabbie (as mentioned in this column) nor the Kulula passenger who had her wallet – and contents – returned.
"Some time ago I travelled on our national carrier, South African Airways, from Johannesburg to Durban and left my wallet containing R600 in the backrest of the seat in front of me. Within five minutes of leaving the aircraft I realised I had left it. Because I was already in the terminal building, SAA sent a messenger to fetch it
"He returned my wallet, with no money in it, saying he brought it as he found it, which I believe.
"Am I angry that SAA personnel stole my money? Heck, no! I had just contributed to the fastest, tax free, government supported industry in the country – crime. Like SAA, I'm Proudly South African."
Hoaxter
MORE from Bill Bryson's Bizarre World (Warner Books).
After being plagued for months by a series of hoax telephone calls, authorities at a London police station were able to end the problem when a switchboard operator traced one of the calls – to an internal line. The man who had been sending police to mythical shootouts and sieges turned out to be none other than Police Constable Arthur Balkin, who had recently been awarded 200 pounds and a great deal of praise after being brutally attacked by a gang of criminals. The calls, Balkin confessed, had been made in an effort to liven things up a little. Worse still, he admitted that his recent injuries had not come from a gang, but had been enthusiastically self-inflicted. Balkin said he had hit himself on the head and stabbed himself with a knife just to make things look good. He was jailed for six months.
Tailpiece
TWO goats scavenging some rough ground near a Hollywood lot find an old reel of celluloid film. They start munching away.
"Hmmm, not bad," says one goat.
"Yes," says the other. "But I preferred the book."
Last word
Writers should be read, but neither seen nor heard.
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