The Idler, Monday, September 23, 2019

Splash!

It's part of

the process

 

A VIDEO clip comes this way, headed "The Ageing Process".

This fellow is camped in the wilds at a lovely lakeside. Standing by his little orange tent, he throws a stick into the water for his spaniel. The dog goes after it with a splash.

The fellow then turns his attention to his smartphone, no doubt to tell his mates in the big city what suckers they are.

But before he can get the message away the dog is back with the stick. These water spaniels are eager.

So he throws the stick again – splash! - and gets on with his message. But in no time the dog is back again. So this time he gives a harder throw.

He returns to his message. Except that this time he's got the stick in his hand.

Splash! This time he beats the dog to the water. But it was a long, long throw …

There's something very instructive in this … er, now where did I put my mouse …

 

 

Feral cats

THE best way to categorise the British Labour Party's conference at Brighton is to imagine putting half a dozen or so feral cats in a sack then shaking it vigorously.

There's been an attempt by the hard left to abolish the post of deputy leader. The leader himself is at odds with his shadow cabinet over the party's approach to Brexit.

Brexit has already caused a huge rift in the Tory party. Now it's doing the same to Labour.

TV footage features interviews with various people in Brighton, to the lovely backdrop of an unusually tranquil English Channel.

So tranquil in fact that numbers of would-be illegal immigrants are setting out from France in small rubber-duck boats, hoping to get across the Channel. They are being picked up by the authorities on both sides.

Why are these people trying to get into the UK? Haven't they heard about Brexit turning everything upside-down?

 

Stranded

SOME 150 000 British holidaymakers are stranded in Europe and elsewhere with the sad collapse of travel company Thomas Cook, an institution that had been in operation since1841. They will have to be brought home at vast expense by the British government,

All this and Brexit too. Maybe the EU will offer them citizenship.

 

 

Mugshots

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener takes issue in his latest grumpy newsletter with the department of home affairs.

"Anyone who has faced the horrors of visiting a branch of the home affairs department in order to obtain a document will sympathise with the million children who do not have birth certificates. And therefore, don't have that all-important Identity Number, without which living in South Africa is very tricky and registering for school impossible.

"The succession of incompetent deadbeats who have been appointed as minister of home affairs shows that presidents have failed to understand this fact or do anything about it.

"Apparently the most important thing in every branch is that it is furnished with a set of large full-colour mugshots of the politicians ultimately responsible for the inactivity and inefficiency unfolding in the hall below their baleful gaze."

Tailpiece

THIS lecherous Scotsman lured a girl up to his attic to look at his etchings.

Before she knew it, he'd sold her four of them.

 

 

Last word

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians.

Jimmy Wales