Mermaid
alert at
Vetch's
BRRR! Quite a cold snap we've been having, It's caused by icebergs drifting northward, just across the horizon. That explains the chilly wind.
At Vetch's beach, the surf has been alive with penguins. Further out, the killer whales are cruising, looking for skiboats to swallow whole. It's normal enough for this time of year, our spring, when the Antarctic shifts north for a bit.
But unusual the other morning was a blonde mermaid frolicking in the surf. Wow, sensational! No bikini top!
"Hi, I'm Cheryl," she called then disappeared under a wave, to be seen no more, alas.
Then on the beach another unusual sight. A huge walrus was lying asleep in the sun, snoring loud enough to be heard at Botha's Hill.
But closer inspection revealed that this walrus was none other than Tommy, Cockney manager at The Pub With No Name, in Florida Road.
What Tommy was doing snoozing at Vetch's beach is a mystery. Maybe he's a mermaid-spotter.
Bad news
MEANWHILE, very bad news from the scientists about the way the polar icecaps are melting. While it would be fun having surfing competitions down Dr Pixley ka Seme Street, the CBD would otherwise suffer as sea levels rise.
Will Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida disappear underwater? Would that change his mind about the lying scientists with their alarmist stories?
Bad news indeed. One thinks of the lines of TS Eliot:
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
Retrievers
A READER called just "Barry" says we are used to officials scurrying onto the rugby field wearing bibs labelled "Water", "Medic" or "Doctor". But at the World Cup in Japan they are labelled "Pitch Retrieval Team".
"Is this possibly a throwback to fights between gladiators and wild beasts, or whatever it was the Romans got up to in the Colosseum?"
Dunno, Barry. Maybe it's got something to do with picking up chewing gum wrappers. The Japanese are very neat and tidy.
Big cats
MOUNTAIN lions, panthers – what are they doing in the capitals of the world?
In Georgetown, a suburb of Washington DC, there was a bit of a tizzy as a neighbourhood blog showed a mountain lion scaling a fence.
In Paris, a large black cat – that later turned out to be a panther – was seen on rooftops, pacing along ledges and windowsills.
Both instances are recorded by Huffington Post.
But the Washington "mountain lion" turned out to be a domestic cat named Cookie who is absolutely docile, according to his owner, Sarah Wasson. He is kind of lanky though, which accounts for the impression gained by the cameras.
In Paris, firefighters and a veterinarian scrambled to the alert. The black panther slipped away into a house where it was trapped and anaethetised. Then the task began of finding where it came from. Had it escaped from a zoo?
Looking at the photograph, the French authorities might have over-reacted. This large black kitty could well be one of the feral cats that inhabit the parking area of this very newspaper building.
Tailpiece
THE captain of the Titanic calls a meeting of his officers.
"I've good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first."
"Let's have the good news."
"We'll get 11 Oscars."
Last word
We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything. - Thomas A Edison
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