The Idler, Monday, September 30, 2019

Bad haircuts

taking

punishment?

 

IS IT PUNISHMENT season for bad haircut politicians?

Bad haircut politician No 1: Boris Johnson has been having a torrid time. Since becoming British prime minister he's lost a by-election, lost seven votes in the House of Commons, lost MPs who have crossed to the Liberal Democrats, lost 21 senior MPs who he fired from the party and he's lost in the Supreme Court, which found that he unlawfully attempted to prorogue parliament.

Now a blonde lady pole-dancer, a "close friend" whose flat he used to visit while mayor of London, has become the focus of attention as the London authorities investigate whether there was anything improper about the £100 000 (R1.8m) in public money which her company received; also whether there was anything improper in her being included in marketing trips abroad.

If there is anything in this theory of bad haircuts being punished, this torrid phase for Bojo would appear to bear it out.

Bad haircut politician No 2: Donald Trump is being investigated for possible impeachment by the House of Representatives following the claim by a whistleblower (apparently from the CIA) that he phoned the Ukranian president and asked him to help dig up dirt on his probable opponent in the next presidential election, Joe Biden.

Where this might lead, who knows? But it's certainly a lot of uphill for another bad haircut.

Bad haircut politician No 3: Kim Jong-un (The Young 'Un) of North Korea. But that's such a secretive and repressed place that nobody knows for sure what's going on

And now another haircut. Springbok flyhalf Elton Jantjies used to have the most outrageously bad haircut in world rugby. But in Japan now for the World Cup he's conservatively short back and sides. He played a blinder in his opening match. It makes ya think.

 

 

Jilted

 

MEANWHILE, the New Yorker reports that Russian President Vladimir Putin is distraught over the accusations against Donald Trump

He said he was "saddened and hurt" that Trump had asked a different foreign country to meddle in a US election.

"'I thought when it came to election meddling that Donald and I were exclusive,' an emotional Putin told reporters. 'This feels like a betrayal.'

"Putin said that when he read the call summary of the phone conversation between Trump and the President of Ukraine, 'I could not believe my eyes. It was just like the conversations Donald and I used to have.'

"'We had something special, but now that's gone,' Putin said. 'I feel so used.'"

Yes, this is that skebenga satirist Andy Borowitz again, being unkind to a bad haircut.

 

 

Banking

IN HIS latest grumpy newsletter, investment analyst James Greener turns his attention to the banking sector.

"Sabric is the acronym for the SA Banking Risk Information Centre, an outfit that few will have heard of, or maybe confused with an industrial association of brick manufacturers.

"Their big concern, however, is that internet-based scams are becoming ever more sophisticated and successful at emptying bank accounts unlawfully.

"Meanwhile South Africans are a bit disappointed that the threatened strike by bank staff did not go ahead. It was hoped that the angry tellers would follow the example set by the striking garbage collectors and strew the streets with notes."

 

Tailpiece

 

HOW many Scotsmen does it take to change a lightbulb?

"Och, it's no that dark."

 

Last word

 

No tyranny is so irksome as petty tyranny: the officious demands of policemen, government clerks, and electromechanical gadgets. - Edward Abbey

 

 

The Idler, Friday, September 27, 2019

Mermaid

alert at

Vetch's

 

BRRR! Quite a cold snap we've been having, It's caused by icebergs drifting northward, just across the horizon. That explains the chilly wind.

At Vetch's beach, the surf has been alive with penguins. Further out, the killer whales are cruising, looking for skiboats to swallow whole. It's normal enough for this time of year, our spring, when the Antarctic shifts north for a bit.

But unusual the other morning was a blonde mermaid frolicking in the surf. Wow, sensational! No bikini top!

"Hi, I'm Cheryl," she called then disappeared under a wave, to be seen no more, alas.

Then on the beach another unusual sight. A huge walrus was lying asleep in the sun, snoring loud enough to be heard at Botha's Hill.

But closer inspection revealed that this walrus was none other than Tommy, Cockney manager at The Pub With No Name, in Florida Road.

What Tommy was doing snoozing at Vetch's beach is a mystery. Maybe he's a mermaid-spotter.

 

 

Bad news

MEANWHILE, very bad news from the scientists about the way the polar icecaps are melting. While it would be fun having surfing competitions down Dr Pixley ka Seme Street, the CBD would otherwise suffer as sea levels rise.

Will Donald Trump's Mar-a-Lago resort in Florida disappear underwater? Would that change his mind about the lying scientists with their alarmist stories?

Bad news indeed. One thinks of the lines of TS Eliot:

 

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends

Not with a bang but a whimper.

 

 

Retrievers

 

A READER called just "Barry" says we are used to officials scurrying onto the rugby field wearing bibs labelled "Water", "Medic" or "Doctor". But at the World Cup in Japan they are labelled "Pitch Retrieval Team".

 

"Is this possibly a throwback to fights between gladiators and wild beasts, or whatever it was the Romans got up to in the Colosseum?"

Dunno, Barry. Maybe it's got something to do with picking up chewing gum wrappers. The Japanese are very neat and tidy.

 

 

Big cats

 

MOUNTAIN lions, panthers – what are they doing in the capitals of the world?

In Georgetown, a suburb of Washington DC, there was a bit of a tizzy as a neighbourhood blog showed a mountain lion scaling a fence.

In Paris, a large black cat – that later turned out to be a panther – was seen on rooftops, pacing along ledges and windowsills.

Both instances are recorded by Huffington Post.

But the Washington "mountain lion" turned out to be a domestic cat named Cookie who is absolutely docile, according to his owner, Sarah Wasson. He is kind of lanky though, which accounts for the impression gained by the cameras.

In Paris, firefighters and a veterinarian scrambled to the alert. The black panther slipped away into a house where it was trapped and anaethetised. Then the task began of finding where it came from. Had it escaped from a zoo?

Looking at the photograph, the French authorities might have over-reacted. This large black kitty could well be one of the feral cats that inhabit the parking area of this very newspaper building.

 

 

Tailpiece

THE captain of the Titanic calls a meeting of his officers.

"I've good news and bad news. Which would you like to hear first."

"Let's have the good news."

"We'll get 11 Oscars."

 

Last word

We don't know a millionth of one percent about anything. - Thomas A Edison

 

 

Idler Thursday

A soapie

to beat all

soapies

OH BOY! Brexit becomes a soap opera to beat 'em all. The Incredible Hulk (British prime minister Boris Johnson styles himself on the Marvell Comics green giant) has suffered a setback to eclipse all that has gone before.

While he was in New York readying himself to address the UN and shoot the breeze with buddies like Donald Trump, the Supreme Court in London was delivering a judgment that goes right off the political Richter scale.

His controversial proroguing of parliament at a time the Brexit process was approaching crisis was "unlawful", the 11 judges of the court ruled unanimously. He is now widely accused of lying to the queen, to parliament and the public. And parliament is back in session.

This is like a six out of the ground. It comes on top of Bojo's losing every vote in the House of Commons since becoming prime minister and parliament's succeeding in itself taking control of the Brexit process with a law requiring him to ask the EU for an extension of the October 31 Brexit deadline if he hasn't achieved a deal before then.

But soap opera would be dull indeed with nothing but political jockeying. The script requires more zip, preferably a blonde bimbo, better still if she's a model or an actress. .

And, right on cue, up steps the bimbo. The London Sunday Times breaks the story that questions are being asked about Bojo and one Jennifer Arcuri, an American former model and actress, who has become a "tech entrepreneur" (whatever that might be) who became a "close friend" of Johnson in the days when he was Mayor of London.

Arcuri apparently participated in various marketing trips and exercises and was the recipient of substantial public funds.

The rest of Fleet Street takes up the chase. The tabloid Sun has a photograph of Arcuri wearing a bra and otherwise festooned with Union Jacks. This is a colourful and vivacious lady.

Asked directly about his personal relationship with her, Johnson declines to answer, saying her work for London was performed with propriety.

It further emerges that she has a flat in Shoreditch, in the East End of London, which is equipped with a dancing pole. It also emerges that Bojo was a regular visitor to the flat (though whether he was taking lessons in pole dancing is not clear). Current London Mayor Sadiq Khan (a Labour man) has launched a probe.

Will The Incredible Hulk tough it all out? Asked in America whether he's reached the end of the road in Brexit on October 31, come what may, do or die, he insists Britain will leave on that date.

Is he then going to pull a deal out of the hat? Are those EU people kidding when they say there have been no real negotiations? Are they just playing along with the script?

What a soapie! Note the subtle balancing of the sonorous proceedings in the Supreme Court against the pizzaz and colour of a blonde pole dancer festooned with Union Jacks. Not to mention more than a hint of romance.

This one will run and run.

Tailpiece

HOW many cover blurb writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A vast and teeming horde, stretching from sea to shining sea.

 

 

Last word

Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. - W Somerset Maugham

 

 

The Idler, Wednesday, September 25, 2019

Splash!

It's part of

the process

 

A VIDEO clip comes this way, headed "The Ageing Process".

This fellow is camped in the wilds at a lovely lakeside. Standing by his little orange tent, he throws a stick into the water for his spaniel. The dog goes after it with a splash.

The fellow then turns his attention to his smartphone, no doubt to tell his mates in the big city what suckers they are.

But before he can get the message away the dog is back with the stick. These water spaniels are eager.

So he throws the stick again – splash! - and gets on with his message. But in no time the dog is back again. So this time he gives a harder throw.

He returns to his message. Except that this time he's got the stick in his hand.

Splash! This time he beats the dog to the water. But it was a long, long throw …

There's something very instructive in this … er, now where did I put my mouse …

 

 

Feral cats

THE best way to categorise the British Labour Party's conference at Brighton is to imagine putting half a dozen or so feral cats in a sack then shaking it vigorously.

There's been an attempt by the hard left to abolish the post of deputy leader. The leader himself is at odds with his shadow cabinet over the party's approach to Brexit.

Brexit has already caused a huge rift in the Tory party. Now it's doing the same to Labour.

TV footage features interviews with various people in Brighton, to the lovely backdrop of an unusually tranquil English Channel.

So tranquil in fact that numbers of would-be illegal immigrants are setting out from France in small rubber-duck boats, hoping to get across the Channel. They are being picked up by the authorities on both sides.

Why are these people trying to get into the UK? Haven't they heard about Brexit turning everything upside-down?

 

Stranded

SOME 150 000 British holidaymakers are stranded in Europe and elsewhere with the sad collapse of travel company Thomas Cook, an institution that had been in operation since1841. They will have to be brought home at vast expense by the British government,

All this and Brexit too. Maybe the EU will offer them citizenship.

 

 

Mugshots

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener takes issue in his latest grumpy newsletter with the department of home affairs.

"Anyone who has faced the horrors of visiting a branch of the home affairs department in order to obtain a document will sympathise with the million children who do not have birth certificates. And therefore, don't have that all-important Identity Number, without which living in South Africa is very tricky and registering for school impossible.

"The succession of incompetent deadbeats who have been appointed as minister of home affairs shows that presidents have failed to understand this fact or do anything about it.

"Apparently the most important thing in every branch is that it is furnished with a set of large full-colour mugshots of the politicians ultimately responsible for the inactivity and inefficiency unfolding in the hall below their baleful gaze."

Tailpiece

THIS lecherous Scotsman lured a girl up to his attic to look at his etchings.

Before she knew it, he'd sold her four of them.

 

 

Last word

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians.

Jimmy Wales

 

 

 

The Idler, Monday, September 23, 2019

Splash!

It's part of

the process

 

A VIDEO clip comes this way, headed "The Ageing Process".

This fellow is camped in the wilds at a lovely lakeside. Standing by his little orange tent, he throws a stick into the water for his spaniel. The dog goes after it with a splash.

The fellow then turns his attention to his smartphone, no doubt to tell his mates in the big city what suckers they are.

But before he can get the message away the dog is back with the stick. These water spaniels are eager.

So he throws the stick again – splash! - and gets on with his message. But in no time the dog is back again. So this time he gives a harder throw.

He returns to his message. Except that this time he's got the stick in his hand.

Splash! This time he beats the dog to the water. But it was a long, long throw …

There's something very instructive in this … er, now where did I put my mouse …

 

 

Feral cats

THE best way to categorise the British Labour Party's conference at Brighton is to imagine putting half a dozen or so feral cats in a sack then shaking it vigorously.

There's been an attempt by the hard left to abolish the post of deputy leader. The leader himself is at odds with his shadow cabinet over the party's approach to Brexit.

Brexit has already caused a huge rift in the Tory party. Now it's doing the same to Labour.

TV footage features interviews with various people in Brighton, to the lovely backdrop of an unusually tranquil English Channel.

So tranquil in fact that numbers of would-be illegal immigrants are setting out from France in small rubber-duck boats, hoping to get across the Channel. They are being picked up by the authorities on both sides.

Why are these people trying to get into the UK? Haven't they heard about Brexit turning everything upside-down?

 

Stranded

SOME 150 000 British holidaymakers are stranded in Europe and elsewhere with the sad collapse of travel company Thomas Cook, an institution that had been in operation since1841. They will have to be brought home at vast expense by the British government,

All this and Brexit too. Maybe the EU will offer them citizenship.

 

 

Mugshots

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener takes issue in his latest grumpy newsletter with the department of home affairs.

"Anyone who has faced the horrors of visiting a branch of the home affairs department in order to obtain a document will sympathise with the million children who do not have birth certificates. And therefore, don't have that all-important Identity Number, without which living in South Africa is very tricky and registering for school impossible.

"The succession of incompetent deadbeats who have been appointed as minister of home affairs shows that presidents have failed to understand this fact or do anything about it.

"Apparently the most important thing in every branch is that it is furnished with a set of large full-colour mugshots of the politicians ultimately responsible for the inactivity and inefficiency unfolding in the hall below their baleful gaze."

Tailpiece

THIS lecherous Scotsman lured a girl up to his attic to look at his etchings.

Before she knew it, he'd sold her four of them.

 

 

Last word

Everybody tells jokes, but we still need comedians.

Jimmy Wales

 

 

 

The Idler, Friday September 20, 2019

Celebrate

with extreme

craziness

THE damsels of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties are strumming at their knickers in anticipation as the Rugby World Cup kicks off today.

The opening match – Russia versus hosts Japan – will be a festival of colour and excitement. Japan ought to take it, which would cause great joy among the local population, but the real focus is on tomorrow when the Boks meet New Zealand.

Seldom have the two giants of the southern hemisphere been so evenly matched. Their last encounter was a draw. The previous two encounters – a win and a loss for each – had only a couple of deciding points in them.

Will this match be a forerunner of the final? Anything could happen.

The Japanese hosts have put out on the internet comprehensive analyses of every team taking part, weighing up the possibilities. The analyses have a certain quaintness.

"As and when the dates of the Rugby World Cup 2019 is inching closer, the South African team is looking to get into fierce form. Yes, each player of the South African rugby team is trying their hardest to win the contest whereas every player in their team is looking in sublime form.

"Meanwhile, for watching and cheering for your favourite South African rugby team, you can watch RWC matches on an online or offline basis. The choice remains yours whereas you got to choose any option and cheer for the South African Team with whole heart, joy, and extreme craziness."

Well said! Fierce form. Extreme craziness. Whoever wrote that would fit in well at the Street Shelter, where the gals are simply itching to volunteer their knicker elastic for a fashioning of catapults for the traditional celebratory feu de joie in which the streetlights are shot out.

But anything can happen in the end. Never has a rugby world cup been so wide open. Brian O'Driscoll, former Irish centre, predicts – against all his tribal instincts – that England will take it, a well-drilled squad marshalled by the crafty Eddie Jones.

But then why not Ireland? Or Wales? Both are right up there. Why are France so quiet? Are they about to spring a surprise?

Enjoy tomorrow's game. It might turn not to be a forerunner to the final. Rugby is a game played with an unpredictably bouncing oval ball. Anything can happen and it usually does.

Ole, ole, ole!

 

Wig alert

THIEVES broke into a wig warehouse in Miami Gardens, South Florida, in the US, and stole wigs worth $80 000 (R1 176 000) They appeared to know what they were after and were in the premises only five minutes, according to Huffington Post.

Insiders say the wigs were all of them male and all of them blond. Security services world-wide are now on the alert for impersonations of President Donald Trump and British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

A FELLOW on a business visit to Boston, Massachusetts, decides that evening to find a seafood restaurant that serves scrod, a local speciality. He hails a cab

"Do you know any place round here that I can get scrod?" he asks the cabbie.

"Sure, I know a few places … but I can tell you, it's not often I hear someone use the third person pluperfect indicative any more."

 

 

Last word

 

The effort to understand the universe is one of the very few things that lifts human life a little above the level of farce, and gives it some of the grace of tragedy. - Steven Weinberg

The Idler, Thursday, , September 19, 2019

More perplexing

than the Rugby

World Cup

SPARE a thought for British prime minister Boris Johnson. Since taking office he's suffered six humiliating defeats in the House of Commons. Every time he looks, another of his Tory MPs has defected to the Liberal Democrats.

Parliament has passed a law forbidding a "no deal" crash-out Brexit on October 31 and requiring him to approach the EU for an extension of the deadline if he hasn't negotiated a deal by then..

The other day he was ambushed in Luxembourg (a country about the size of Hyde Park) by a crowd of rowdies demonstrating against Brexit, led by that country's prime minister.

Right now in the Supreme Court he's being accused by lawyers of unlawfully proroguing parliament to evade scrutiny of his Brexit manoeuvres. He's also accused of fibbing to the queen.

Can it get worse? Well, yes it can if the American publication the New Yorker is to be believed. According to the New Yorker, Queen Elizabeth has been training her corgis to attack Johnson if he comes to Buckingham Palace again.

"The Queen reportedly supervised the corgis' training herself, instructing them to lunge at Prince Charles, who wore a shaggy yellow wig for the exercise.

"'When the corgis tore into Charles's trousers, the terror in his eyes was palpable,' one observer said. 'The Queen looked very happy.'"

"'There's only room for one unelected ruler in this country,' she reportedly declared."

Yes, this is that rascally Andy Borowitz again. Bojo really is in trouble. Even the satirists are against him.

Where does all this end? It's easier to predict the outcome of the Rugby World Cup.

 

 

Innocence

AS WE DIGEST the crime statistics released recently, it's astonishing to read that in places like Florida, in the US, people go to bed at night leaving their doors unlocked.

But is it wise? At a place called Safety Harbor a householder woke about 4am to find an intruder had come in through the unlocked back door and was cooking himself a meal.

When the householder objected he was told to "go back to sleep." But instead he phoned the sheriff's men.

When they arrived, the intruder rushed off into the darkness. The posse followed and caught him in a swampy, wooded area. He turned out to be a 19-year-old Marine, more than somewhat intoxicated. Boys will be boys.

Is there not a great innocence in this account by Huffington Post?

 

 

Gold loo

THE cops have made a second arrest in connection with the burglary at Blenheim Palace, in England, in which an 18-carat gold toilet was stolen.

Blenheim Palace is the seat of the Duke of Marlborough. The gold toilet was situated (in recent times) just adjacent to the bedroom where Winston Churchill was born, later to become prime minister of Britain.

The toilet is worth £4.8 million (R88m) according to Sky News.

Just the place to spend a penny.

 

 

Tailpiece

She: "I'm going to the store. Do you want anything?"

He: "I want a sense of meaning and purpose in my life. I seek fulfillment and completeness within my soul. I want to connect with the mysteries of existence, discover the spiritual side of me, contemplate the wonders of this universe …

She: "Be more specific. Beer or vodka?"

 

Last word

I think that one possible definition of our modern culture is that it is one in which nine-tenths of our intellectuals can't read any poetry. Randall Jarrell

The Idler, Wednesday September 18, 2019

The richest

prizes in

science

HARVARD University has made its annual Ig Nobel Awards for weird scientific discoveries, a spoof of the real Nobel awards that has been running for 29 years. Although it's a spoof, the awards are handed out by real Nobel Prize winners.

According to Huffington Post, this year's winners include Dutch and Turkish researchers who discovered that Romania has the yuckiest and most germ-ridden banknotes; an Italian scientist who has discovered that pizza is actually good for you; and a group of researchers who have discovered that the clickers used to train dogs are also very handy in training surgeons.

Each winner is given a prize of 10 trillion Zimbabwe dollars and has to make a one-minute acceptance speech, in competition with an 8-year-old girl whining" "Please stop, I'm bored!"

The awards event is produced by the science humour magazine, Annals of Improbable Research, and co-sponsored by the Harvard-Radcliffe Science Fiction Association and the Harvard-Radcliffe Society of Physics Students.

It's good to know that academic standards are being maintained.

 

 

Times three

IT WAS a case of 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. Christina Malone-Brown was born to her delighted parents on September 9 (9/11) in Germantown, Tennessee, in the US. It was 9.11pm. And she weighed 9 pounds 11 ounces, according to Sky News.

Christina's mother, Cametrione, said her baby girl had managed to offer a positive moment on a day overshadowed by the 2001 terror attacks on New York's World Trade Centre and the Pentagon in Washington, as well as in Pennsylvania.

When she was born, the doctor cried a number of times: "Oh my goodness, I've got a 9/11, 9/11, 9/11."

 

 

Another Nessie?

DOES China have its own version of the Loch Ness Monster? Footage has appeared on a blog site of a long, black creature manoeuvring in the Yangtze River, according to the BBC.

But nobody can say what it is. A scientist says it is probably just a large "water snake". Adding to the confusion, a length of black cloth has since washed up on rocks in the river. Is this what they saw, simply floating?

It seems China has indeed found its Lock Ness Monster. Nobody has actually seen Nessie – it's all strange ripples and inconclusive photographs. But he/she is most certainly a presence and a powerful boost to the Scottish tourism industry.

 

 

Scary stats

THE crime statistics released the other day are simply horrendous. Into what kind of quagmire have we sunk? It's captured in a grim little poem that comes this way, titled Bedtime Story for South Africa.

The doors are all locked, the security gates too,

Burglar-barred windows make it look like a zoo.

The alarms are all activated, the cars are pulled in,

The electric fence is buzzing, the motion beams glow dim.

The rotties are snoring in baskets in the hall

So they can't be poisoned over the wall.

The gun's out the safe and under the bed,

Our prayers (to survive the night) have been said.

So nighty-night, we hope you'll sleep tight,

We'll leave it to Eskom to switch out the light!

 

 

Tailpiece

TWO musicians are walking down the street. One says: "Who was the piccolo I saw you with last night?"

"That was no piccolo, that was my fife."

 

Last word

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid. - George Bernard Shaw