The Idler, Tuesday, July 2, 2029

Sardines –

they won't

let us down

 

THERE'S utter chaos in local government these days, but at least the sardines aren't letting us down. They've shown up at 'Toti and before too long they should be all over the South Coast, so long as the sea remains calm.

Sardine fever – yep them wuz the days, scooting up and down the South Coast looking for the shoals.

It could get exciting. Once I was riding pillion on a motorcycle, holding the rods while my pal steered us bumpily over the sleepers of the South Coast railway line. It's an excellent way to get from Pennington, say, to Clansthal.

Except this time we encountered a steam locomotive coming the opposite way. Down the embankment onto the Pennington golf course.

A pity about those wheelies on the putting green, but in sardine season anything goes.

 

 

Maneating snake

 

IF IT'S not Brexit and Boris Johnson to give the Brits the creeps, it's a 2.7m snake that's capable of swallowing a human.

It's a reticulated python – native to south-east Asia - that's on the loose in the English university town of Cambridge. It's been spotted slithering about the place, according to Sky News, but so far police have been unable to locate it, though they're hunting furiously.

They've located the owner – he kept the snake as a pet and it escaped – but he has so far not been able to find it either.

This is serious. The reticulated python will be getting peckish. Next we'll be reading of the mysterious disappearance of a professor of classics, then perhaps a scientist or two. The place will be in a panic.

It's surely highly irresponsible to keep a man-eating reticulated python in a university town. The cops ought to use the owner as bait for this python. They might be able to snatch him free in time. If not, well – serves him right!

 

 

Deux M

 

MY OLD mate Ernie Robbertse, who runs the luxury tented camp at Tembe Elephant Park, just beneath the Mozambique border, sends in an item from yesterday's "On this day" feature, noting the treaty 144 years ago that established the border between Natal and Mozambique.

This has relevance to Ernie. The Elephant Park's northern boundary coincides with the line drawn on a map by Marshal Patrice de MacMahon, President of France, in an arbitration award.

In gratitude, the Mozambicans named a Portuguese-style beer in his honour, "Deux M" (Two Ms) – which is still brewed to this day and which Ernie serves to his guests.

Elephant, rhino, lions, leopards, buffalo – and Deux M of an evening. Who could want more?

 

 

Tailpiece

 

TWO Injun scouts are with an Irishman in the wilds of Canada. One scout runs up to the mouth of a small cave and calls" "Wooooo… wooooo … wooooo!"

An answering call comes: "Wooooo ,,, wooooo ,,, wooooo!"

 

The scout disappears into the cave.

 

"What's dis 'Wooooo … wooooo … wooooo!'? What's goin' on."

 

"Beautiful squaw in cave," says the second scout. Him make love to her."

 

"Lucky feller."

 

They come to another cave. The second scouts runs up to it. "Wooooo … wooooo … wooooo!"

An answering call: "Wooooo … wooooo … wooooo!" The second scout disappears.

 

The Irishman comes to yet another cave. "Wooooo … wooooo … wooooo!" he calls.

Reply: "WOOOOO … WOOOOO … WOOOOO!!" He rushes in.

Newspaper headline: "Naked Irishman run over by Montreal Express."

 

 

 

Last word

 

If I have seen further it is by standing on the shoulders of giants.

Isaac Newton