The Idler, Wednesday, May, 2019

Emergency at an old age home   A MOST distressing account comes this way from an old age home here in Durban.   One morning one of the residents didn't show up for breakfast. Another resident went upstairs to knock on his door and see if all was OK. He said through the door that he was running late and would be down shortly. She went back to the dining area.   An hour later he still hadn't arrived, so she went back up, but found him on the stairs. He was coming down but was having a hard time of it. He had a death grip on the handrail and seemed to have trouble getting his legs to work properly.   She said she would call an ambulance, but he told her not to, he wasn't in any kind of pain and he just wanted to have his breakfast. So she helped him the rest of the way down the stairs and he had a hearty breakfast.   But when he tried to return to his room, he was unable to get up even the first step of the stairs, so they called an ambulance. It took him away.   A couple of hours later the lady phoned the hospital to see how he was doing. The receptionist said he was fine, he would soon be home.   "What was wrong with him?"   "Nothing really, he just had both legs in one side of his boxer shorts."   As I say, most distressing.

The Yeti?

A MOUNTAINEERING team of the Indian army has discovered large frozen footprints in the snow, high in the Himalayas near Mount Makalu, according to Sky News.

Is this the Yeti, or Abominable Snowman, of Nepalese myth that is said to roam the mountains of that region? The Indian army seem to think so and have posted a Tweet claiming this, with images of the 81 X 38cm footprints.

But they've received an avalanche of scornful replies, ridiculing them for perpetuating a myth rejected by almost the entire scientific community; also pointing out that the "footprints" – if that is what they are - appear to be of a one-legged creature.

It's a mystery. Is it possible that the Yeti was playing hopscotch? Or perhaps it had both legs in one side of its boxer shorts.

Boys, girls

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "Boys will be boys but one day all girls will be women."

Tailpiece

PATRICK Murphy is a gifted portrait artist. People from all over Ireland come to Miltown, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likeness.

One morning, a beautiful young English actress arrives at his house in a stretch limo and asks if he will paint her in the nude. She's willing to pay anything up to £10 000.

This is the first time anyone has made such a request. He's a little perturbed. But £10 000!

He asks her to wait while he goes into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talk about the rightness and wrongness of it. Finally his wife agrees. He returns.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he says "De wife says it's okay.

"I'll paint you in de nude all right, but one condition. I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."

 

Last word

In the fight between you and the world, back the world. - Frank Zappa