The Idler, Tuesday, May 7, 2019

My errand to

President

Ramaphosa

IT'S the elections tomorrow. And here I find myself asked to deliver something to President Ramaphosa before then. I gather it's vitally important.

I don't know who it is who's put me on this errand. Every now and then something gets hand-delivered to the Mercury by a mysterious reader who cuts out the Idler logo at the head of this column and pastes it on an envelope.

It happens intermittently. The last time, I think, was when colourful news photographer Peter Duffy died. A large envelope arrived – the Idler's logo pasted on as ever – and it landed on my desk.

Inside was a wad of photographic prints of a most lissome lass disporting herself stark naked in the rapids of a river. I did not recognise the girl (once I got round to the facial features) but I thought I did recognise the rapids.

It looked like the Cascades, which are on the Dorp Spruit, which runs through Chase Valley in Maritzburg.

Turning the pictures over, each one was stamped on the back: "Peter Duffy, Sunday Tribune". I'm sure the Tribune never actually used those pictures but my respect for Duffy's choice of locale and subject matter simply soared.

But the identity of the sender – the fellow who cuts out the Idler logo and pastes it on the envelope - is a total mystery.

And now this latest missive, as always using the Idler's logo as an address. A note is attached. It reads:

"Dear Idler,

"Could you please have this book delivered to President Ramaphosa before May 8?

"From: Life-long admirer."

The little book is called PW Botha in his own words. It has a picture of the Groot Krokodil on the cover. Satirist Pieter-Dirk Uys has strung together a collection of the Krokodil's more extravagant quotes. And Penguin published it in 1987.

Some of the quotes:

·       "One match in the hands of a fool is enough to set this country on fire."

·       "Politics per se are not dirty, but politics are dirtied by people."

·       "Let me tell those who try to cause trouble in these ranks that between myself and the Minister of Public Works (Dr Andries Treurnicht) there are no differences in principle."

·       "You are a demolisher, a jackal and a hypocrite." (Addressing Dr Andries Treurnicht in Parliament).

Lively enough stuff but it's difficult to see the relevance to tomorrow's vote – or why President Ramaphosa should so urgently need this information.

And I'm still none the wiser as to the identity of the sender.

Also, who is it of whom this mystery sender has been a life-long admirer? PW Botha? Pieter-Dirk Uys? (Uys certainly is very funny and his sketches of PW in his Homberg hat were superb). President Ramaphosa? (This sender surely has not been a life-long admirer of the Idler).

And, again, who is he anyway? As Churchill said of Russia, it's a mystery wrapped up in a riddle inside an enigma.

I would send this little book on to the Union Buildings, express mail. But the postal services being what they are these days, there's not much point in trying.

Tailpiece

AN AGEING playboy visits the doctor for his regular check-up.

"Well, says the doctor, "Have you managed to cut down on wine, women and song?"

"Oh yes. I've tapered off to one beer, one girlfriend and a little light humming instead."

Last word

Truth is beautiful, without doubt; but so are lies. - Ralph Waldo Emerson