The Idler, Monday, May 27, 2019

Those

backline

fliers

 

OLE. Ole, Ole! What a corker of match this was. It was the backline fliers who did it for the Sharks on Saturday – Curwin Bosch and Makazole Mapimpi with their dream interceptions – except it wasn't just them. The forwards scrummed and mauled like men possessed, the tacklers in all departments were simply superb.

Both interceptions came as the Lions were putting on really heavy pressure, swarming for our line, Bosch turning things round completely as he snatched the ball at blistering pace, Mapimpi leaping high, right on his own line, to take it at an altitude roughly approximating Kilimanjaro. Both ran the length of the field to score. Magnificent stuff and just reward for some gritty defence that had somehow kept the Lions out.

This game was anything but one-sided. The Lions were still running at us until the bitter end. Most gratifying was that the Sharks at last played to their true potential.

The play-offs are still up for grabs. But whatever does happen from here, at last the Sharks have clicked at home. It's been a long time a-waiting.

 

 

Mayday, mayday

 

DRAMA coming up at Westminster. British prime minister Theresa May accepted the poisoned chalice of engineering a Brexit that might actually have been impossible from the start. Will the poison be any the less deadly for her successor?

 

The fundamental fault – which should have been obvious from the start – is that if a country leaves the EU customs union, a hard border has to come into being. The EU itself insists on that.

 

But the border between the Republic of Ireland and Northern Ireland (part of the UK) could not be softer. It is fundamental to the Good Friday Agreement, which has all but ended centuries of sectarian strife. (Though it's beginning to simmer again with the Brexit uncertainty).

 

Why not just cancel the border and merge Northern Ireland with the Republic?

 

Several good reasons. The Republic does not want to administer Northern Ireland, which costs the UK about £18 billion (R329bn) a year. Nor does it want to handle the sectarian conflict which would almost certainly be unleashed.

 

And what British prime minister would wish to preside over a break-up of the UK?

 

Can this circle be squared?

 

Theresa May was tearful as she announced her resignation outside No 10 Downing Street. Perhaps the tears were also for the inheritor of the poisoned chalice.

 

 

Canute incident

 

HAS British statecraft ever shown itself to be more inept than over this Brexit issue? It's difficult to think of an instance.

There was King Canute ordering the tide to retreat. But then, to be fair to Canute, he was merely proving to his blindly supportive courtiers that he did not have the supernatural power to control the tides that they believed he had.

Yes, today's lot probably have the booby prize.

 

 

Smuts, Churchill

 

IN THE context of Brexit, it's interesting to recall that it was our own prime minister, General Smuts, who first suggested in the House of Commons (he'd been a member of the British war cabinet in World Wars I and II) that Britain's future lay with Europe.

Churchill spoke of the desirability of a "United States of Europe".

Smuts and Churchill then. Boris Johnson and company today.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

WHY'S the sea so restless?

Wouldn't you be restless with crabs all over your bottom?

 

Last word

 

Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it. - Elias Schwartz

 

The Idlker, Friday, May 24, 2019

This is the

moment

of truth

IT'S the Big 'Un tomorrow against the Lions.. Can the Sharks upset precedent and win a home game? Can they repeat the form they showed in the Antipodes?

Everything rides on it because the local log is tighter than a duck's ass, as they say in the classics, and that's watertight. From now we have to win every one to get into the play-offs.

A story is running about that the Sharks management have hired a hypnotist to tell the guys they're playing at Christchurch, not Durban, and this will get the best out of them. It's superficially plausible but sounds like wishful thinking.

Nothing can get us away from the reality that tomorrow we have to play out of our socks. We have to tackle the way we have all season, and some. We have to dominate up front. We have to play to our strengths in the backline.

No silly buggers stuff. Hold on to our passes. Be adventurous but not stoopid. Hou kop.

In short, let's play to the ability everyone knows we have. Let's get it all together. Let's give an extra zest to the traditional celebratory feu de joie when the streetlights are shot out with catapults fashioned from the knicker elastic of the damsels of the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties. It's now or never.

'Erewego, 'erewego, 'erewego!

 

 

Eye-opener

A CUSTOMER thought his eyes needed testing again after he popped in at his opticians' to get a bottle of eyedrops and the till rang up an amount of more than £4 billion (R74 billion).

It happened in Wrexham, North Wales, according to Sky News, where the amount of £4 billion plus would have covered more than half the Welsh national health bill for the year.

Martin Chidlow said he didn't have quite that amount of cash on him. Would they mind if he used his card?

"I'd recently had my eyes tested and I'd popped in to get the prescription and get the eyedrops because I get dry eyes.

"I couldn't believe my eyes when I saw the price on the screen, I'm glad I'd just had them tested.

"It wasn't human error, it was a problem with the computerised till."

He ended up paying £9.95.

 

 

Isipingo English

EARLIER this week we discussed Isipingo English as a component of the Anglo-Saxon tongue as spoken in this part of the world, others being Benoni English and Queen's English (Maritzburg), as well as various bits of Afrikaans and Zulu.

However, I am corrected by none other than raconteur Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe), who hails originally from Isipingo.

"The Isipingo Lingo has no need of a relationship with English, Zulu or Afrikaans. It is its own master and facilitates great dexterity of tongue when sampling lamb curry with cane spirit gravy, while completing another recount of the Freedom Front votes in Hibberdene."

I take his point. The recount? As the great Roman philosopher Pliny the Elder put it: "Ex Isipingo semper aliquid novi." (Out of Isipingo, always something new).

 

Tailpiece

VOICEMAIL: "Hi, John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly and I'll stick your message to myself with some of these magnets."

 

Last word

If we have learned one thing from the history of invention and discovery, it is that, in the long run - and often in the short one - the most daring prophecies seem laughably conservative.

Arthur C. Clarke

 

The Idler, Thursday, May 23, 2019

Let's copy

that Spanish

town – whee!

THE Spanish town of Estepona has hit on something we could do here in Durban. It's built a 38m slide linking two streets and saving people a 10-minute walk. Plus the fun of it – whee!

Imagine if we did the same here, building slides from the Berea to the CBD. With the gradient and duration of the slide, some fancy speeds could be built up.

The ultimate would be to get on the slide wearing roller skates jump off at the Greyville racecourse underpass doing, say, 60km/h then go screeching past the Drill Hall, all the way into the CBD.

Okay, then you'd have to find your own way back - – a Mynah or an Uber or something – but at least you've had a free ride in and a lot of fun. It's something that could rejuvenate the CBD's shopping trade.

But the Estepona initiative has had its teething problems, according to Sky News. They had to close the slide on its first day because people were flying off and hurting themselves.

One woman complained on Twitter that the police laughed as she flew through the air. She posted an image of her two grazed elbows, declaring: "I have not put up pictures of my *rse but it is worse." Ah, these voluble Spanish ladies. (She should shame those cops by sending them all the pictures).

I'm sure Estepona will sort out the early problems and is on to something good. Durban must follow suit. The shopping expedition becomes a tourist attraction.

 

 

Danish election

THEY'RE gearing up for a general election in Denmark in a week's time. Candidates are using the internet, posting their promises on websites and social media. Now one has gone a step further, according to Huffington Post.

Joachim B Olsen, an Olympic shotput silver medalist who has been a member of the Folketing (parliament) for the centre-right Liberal Alliance since 2011, has placed an ad bearing the party logo and encouraging people to vote for him. Where? On one of the world's top adult websites, Pornhub.

"Election campaigns are serious," he says. "But there must also be some humour."

The campaign appears to be hard-fought. When I consulted the internet on its progress, a graph showing surveys of party and grouping strengths was such a mass of wavy, writhing lines, I thought for half a second I'd found Pornhub.

 

 

Tightlipped

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me."

 

 

Stowaways

 

CONSTRUCTION workers in San Diego heard a mewing from inside a 20m steel column that had been trucked 550km from Hayward, in the San Francisco Bay area.

It came from four stowed-away kittens according to Associated Press. They have been given appropriate construction industry names – Crowbar, Rebar, Jackhammer and Chisel – and have been placed in foster care and will be available for adoption in a couple of months.

I always wanted a cat named Jackhammer.

 

Tailpiece

 

A TOURIST is having a beer in Denmark. A beautiful blonde sits down beside him.

"Hello, do you speak English?"

"Oh, I not speaking very much English."

"How much?"

"Two hundred kroner."

 

Last word

Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made sense from things she found in gift shops. - Kurt Vonnegut

The Idler, Wednesday, May 22, 2019

Those Oh

so sexy

accents

 

Yew can 'ave 'er,

Oi don't want er,

'Er's too fat for Oi …

 

THE above is a rendition in the West Country of England dialect of the chorus of the Too Fat Polka, which was a hit of the 1940s that they were still singing in parts of England 30 years later.

One mentions it because, according to Sky News,  the West Country accent – which I encountered during a spell in Blighty – comes fourth from bottom in a poll conducted by Big 7 Travel to discover the sexiest and most appealing of Britain's vast medley of regional accents.

Fourth from bottom out of 50 accents? I can't believe it. Why, just about every sentence in the West Country starts with the word "Aaaargh …" It's most appealing.

Which accent won? Why, sing-song Essex, as spouted by all those bottle blonde bimbos in their hotpants. Unbelievable.

Second was Northern Irish, an accent I knew well in all its moods, having been married to one for many years.

Third Glaswegian – Hey, the wee hardmen. "Awa' an' pachle yer heed, mon!"

And fourth – flourish of trumpets – Queen's English. Maritzburg rides again.

A spokesman for Big 7 Travel said: "There are very few other English-speaking countries with as many varieties of accent and language in such a small space, making the British Isles uniquely diverse when it comes to dialects."

Oh, I don't know about that. What about Isipingo English? Benoni English – "Bounce us a skyf, ek se!" Is there anything more expressive than "Eisssssh!" How about "Voetsek!" a part of everyday English in these parts?

West Country English fourth from bottom, beaten by the Scousers (Liverpool) and the Brummies (Birmingham). I still can't believe it. Maybe it serves 'em right for singing that old-fashioned, politically incorrect song.

 

Herefordshire

AAARGH. I first encountered West Country English in the depths of the Forest of Dean in Herefordshire, when a South African lass and I stopped off at a pub. The locals stared at us as if we'd just stepped off a spaceship.

When we spoke, an old fellow approached "Aaaargh. Yew be Polish?"

"No."

"French then?"

They couldn't believe our outlandish English was huistaal.

We mentioned this to our host at the village pub where we were staying. He laughed. "Oh, the Forest folk they do speak fonny. They don't says truppence, they says druppence."

The threepenny bit was to feature in another conversation in the bar of the same establishment. A friend and I were chatting.

Then an old fellow we hadn't noticed in the corner chimed in: "Aaaargh. Whaurr's yer tickeys? Whaurr's yer Zee to Zee?" (The tickey was the small silver threepenny bit of yesteryear. C to C was a brand of cigarette – Cape to Cairo).

We presumed he'd passed through Durban during World War II. So many of that generation had.

"No, Oi neverr bin to Durrban. Oi were in the Wezterrn Dezzerrt with yer boys."

Then he showed us his tobacco tin. Soldered onto it was a Natal Carbineers badge. My pal was a Carbineer. He just about freaked.

Aaargh. A small world it is to be sure. Even in the West Country.

Essex sexiest? Oi still can't believe it. Aaaargh!

 

Tailpiece

Don't you know the Queen's English?

Why, yes, I'd heard she was.

 

Last word

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.

Ogden Nash

The Idler, Tuesday, May 21, 2019

Patriotic

tariffs

poser

ECONOMISTS and financial experts in America are bemused by President Trump's apparent belief that when he slaps a tariff on imports from China, the Chinese pay for it – as reported in depth last weekend by our sister newspaper, the Sunday Tribune.

Of course, it's the importer who pays for it and he passes it on to his American customers. Walmart, the American mass merchandiser that imports in huge bulk from China, has already announced that prices will rise.

Yet the New Yorker quotes Trump urging Americans to boycott Chinese goods and "just buy things at Walmart."

"Trump made his request via Twitter, where he told his fellow-citizens that it was their 'patriotic duty' to punish China by buying as many goods at Walmart as possible.

"If you go to a GREAT AMERICAN STORE like Walmart, you'll find lots of cheap sportswear, shoes, and other items for you and your family to enjoy," he tweeted. "What better way to show China that we don't need their DUMB STUFF!"

"Shortly after Trump sent those marching orders to his countrymen, the Chinese President, Xi Jinping, offered a muted response. 'I'm beginning to see how he lost a billion dollars,' Xi said." (New York Times investigations claim this is what Trump's business lost in the 1980s and 1990s).

The New Yorker piece is, of course, the work of scallywag satirist Andy Borowitz. This financial stuff is enough to make the head spin.

 

Brewers' network

IF YOU'RE going to steal a vehicle, don't choose a brewery delivery van. The brewers have a network out there.

The Unknown Brewery Company, of Charlotte, North Carolina, in the US, put out an appeal on social media after their van was nicked, saying they would put on a free keg party for information, according to Huffington Post. They had their van back in just 42 minutes.

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The brewery now plans to produce a special beer named "Van Theft Auto", selling for 25 US cents a pint (R3.60), just to cover the taxes and give everyone a free keg party.

 

Fake stamps

THE Royal Mail in Britain is investigating fake stamps that are making their way through the postal network, featuring the face of Diane Abbott, Labour MP and Shadow Home Secretary.

It's illegal but is believed to be somebody playing a prank, according to Sky News.

Perhaps our own postal authorities should be on guard against anything similar - people like Hlaudi Motsoeneng, former head honcho of the SABC, and other candidates who did not make it in the elections having their likenesses circulated by their disappointed supporters.

 

Itchy ear

A MAN reported to a hospital in China with an "intense itch" in his ear. Doctors peered inside and found a tiny spider spinning its web.

An agile little blighter the spider was and they weren't able to grab it with forceps. So they had to flush out the ear.

It happened in Jiangsu, north of Shanghai, according to UPI.

Question: The spider was spinning a web. Just what insects was it intending to catch in the fellow's ear?

 

Tailpiece

The most successful investor was Noah. He floated stock, while everything around him went into liquidation

 

Last word

I write down everything I want to remember. That way, instead of spending a lot of time trying to remember what it is I wrote down, I spend the time looking for the paper I wrote it down on.

Beryl Pfizer
 

The Idler, Monday, May 20, 2019

Kissing

cows for

charity?

THERE'S a bit of a hoo-ha in Austria over a "KusskussChallenge" on the internet, which urges German-speaking communities to kiss cows "with or without tongue" to raise money for charity.

It appears to originate in one of the German cantons of Switzerland, according to Huffington Post.

It's not clear how kissing cows – with or without tongue - could raise funds for charity. In fact, those of us of curmudgeonly bent might consider it a hoax.

But KusskussChallenge has roused the ire of Elisabeth Kostinger, Austria's Minister for Sustainability and Tourism. She calls it "dangerous mischief" She warns that pastures are not "petting zoos". Trying to kiss cows could have "serious consequences."

Elisabeth should come out to Durban to observe our local variation on Kusskuss late at night at the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties when the bambaduza music is playing. Okay, they're not cows but you do need the courage of a matador.

 

 

Everest

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener turns his attention in his latest grumpy newsletter to mountaineering and motor racing.

"Climbing to the top of Mount Everest is a very praiseworthy but somewhat extreme way to avoid being in South Africa through election time. Nevertheless, hearty congratulations to Saray Khumalo who has just successfully completed this epic climb.

"Meanwhile, the possibility of South Africa getting back on the F1 Grand Prix calendar is under consideration.

"A night-time street race in Durban would be fantastic. Ferraris already dominate the informal version of this racing."

However, Greener sounds a caution. "The Mercedes cars could be stolen during load-shedding."

 

 

Dutch digs

LONDONER Ben Speller needed an overnight pad in Amsterdam. He paid £100 (R1 837) for a single night's stay at accommodation described in the Airbnb listing as a "clean room with private bathroom".

What he got was a cargo container on the pavement near Amsterdam's Amstel station. It was clean enough. Mattresses with neatly made up beds were inside; a portaloo was attached, according to Sky News.

 

But it was not quite what Ben had in mind so he booked into a hotel for £230.

"To be fair, I got my 100 quids' worth in comedy value," he says.

He shared the comedy on Facebook, at which Airbnb flipped. They refunded his £100 plus the £230 he'd paid for the hotel.

"Misrepresented or fraudulent listings have no place on our platform," said Airbnb. "Our team works hard to constantly strengthen our defences and stay ahead of bad actors."

The company has removed the host's profile and his listings, which included a second container on the other side of the city.

 

 

At home

A TREE frog from Costa Rica has been found in a box of bananas at a grocery in Nottingham, England, according to the BBC. It was 8 500 km away from its rainforest home.

But you can't beat the Poms for making a tropical frog feel at home. The grocery workers named him Lloyd, reported his plight to the Royal Society for the Protection of Animals and now Lloyd is being cared for by a vet who specialises in exotic animals.

Next step Lloyds Bank?

 

Tailpiece

Paddy: "I want to sue Guinness."

Solicitor: "On what grounds?"

Paddy: "All dem ugly women dey made me sleep wit."

Last word

If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. - Dorothy Parker

 

The Idler, Friday, May 17, 2019

Check the

canteen

menu

A UNIVERSITY library in Australia was evacuated over a suspected gas leak. Firefighters were called to the University of Canberra, according to Sky News, after a "strong smell of gas" was reported - with hundreds of students leaving the building within minutes.

After an hour, the source of the foul odour was discovered: a durian fruit which had been left in a bin near an air vent on the second floor.

The durian, once known as the "king of fruits", is loved in parts of the Far East for its sweet and savoury flavour - especially in China.

But the fruit has a reputation for its potent stench. Food writer Richard Sterling says its odour of "turpentine and onions, garnished with a gym sock" can be smelled from a distance.

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The powerful pong has prompted hotels and public transport systems across Asia to ban durians altogether.

Check the canteen menu. Don't choose the durian salad.

 

 

Synonym buns

FACEBOOK traffic: "Someone posted they had just baked some synonym buns. I replied, you mean just like the ones grammar used to make? Now I'm blocked."

 

 

Gupta nostalgia

OVERHEARD in the Street Shelter for the Over-Forties: "It's times like these that you miss the Guptas. By now we'd have known who all our cabinet ministers are going to be."

 

 

Trained snake?

A FELLOW in Lawton, Oklahoma, in the US, pressed the doorbell of his friend's front door. As the friend opened the door, a snake leaped from the porch light and bit the visitor in the face, according to Huffington Post.

They rushed him to hospital but it turned out the snake was not venomous. The hospital cleaned up the bite wound and put the guy on antibiotics. All was well.

Was this a case of mistaken identity on the part of a highly-trained snake? Some people will go to great lengths to discourage door-to-door encyclopaedia salesmen.

 

 

Growing old

MORE from American cowboy, humorist, sage and newspaper columnist Will Rogers. Topic: Growing Older:

 

·       Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

·       The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

·       Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me; I want people to know why I look this way. I've travelled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved.

·       When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.

·       You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

·       I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

·       One of the many things no one tells you about ageing is that it's such a nice change from being young.

·       One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

·       Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable and relaxed.

·       Long ago, when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf.

·       If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you're old.

 

 

Tailpiece

 

PADDY is on a quiz show.

"What's the capital of Ireland?" asks the host.

"Pass."

"What are the colours of the Irish flag?"

"Pass."

"Kissing what famous stone gives you the gift of the gab?"

"Pass."

Voice from the back of the audience: "Good man, Paddy! Tell dem nuttin!"

 

Last word

In Mexico we have a word for sushi: Bait. - Jose Simon