A porcine encounter
It was a year ago, September,
A day I well remember,
I was walking up and down
In drunken pride,
When my knees began to flutter
And I fell down in the gutter
And a pig came by and lay down by my side.
As I lay there in the gutter
Thinking thoughts I could not utter,
I thought I heard a passing lady say:
'You can tell a man who boozes
by the company he chooses...'
And with that the pig got up and walked away.
OHIO police thought they had found a local version of the old Irish ditty when they received a 911 call from a man in North Ridgeville who complained that he was being followed home from the railway station by a pig that was molesting him.
They presumed the caller was drunk but, according to US radio station NPR, they found a "very sober" man who was indeed being pursued by a pig that kept nudging him.
The pig was loaded into the patrol vehicle then put in police kennels while his picture was posted on the internet.
Soon enough, the pig's owner arrived to claim him. He was indeed a pet and had merely been looking for affection.
Those Irish songsters knew all about these things.
Big Mac record
AN American man has celebrated eating his 30 000th Big Mac hamburger, according to Sky News.
A crowd gathered at McDonald's in Military Road, Fond du Lac, Wisconsin, to watch 64-year-old Don Gorske polish off his milestone burger, along with special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles and onions, all on a sesame-seed bun.
It's a well documented milestone. Gorske has thousands of receipts, wrappers and containers that detail his two Big Macs a day culinary procession since his first in 1972 (though 7 000 styrofoam containers disappeared in a tornado in 1990).
He also has a wife, to whom he proposed under the McDonald's golden arches, when he got a chance between munching.
Gorske describes the Big Mac as his "perfect food". He has never had to supplement it with anything else, he says.
On only two occasions has he gone without. On August 13, 1994, he went on a motoring trip of some 900km and, to his great astonishment, did not encounter a single McDonald's. In 1988 he went without a Big Mac for a day in remembrance of his mother.
One searches in vain for Big Mac reviews by our local restaurant connoisseurs.
Sinkhole
A DAIRY farm worker in New Zealand was calling in the cows early one morning when suddenly it seemed much of the pasture had disappeared.
A giant sinkhole had opened up after heavy rain at Rotorua, on the North Island, revealing rock deposits from a 60 000-year-old volcano.
The hole is as deep as four double-decker buses (20m or so) and 200m long.
Geologists believe that thousands of years of rain eroded underground limestone, causing the ground to collapse.
"This is pretty spectacular, it's a lot bigger than the ones I'd normally see," volcanologist Brad Scott told TV New Zealand.
Hmmm. So this is what is likely to happen in Hawaii in 60 000 years' time.
Brits on marriage
MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit. Topic: Marriage.
· It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. – Jane Austen.
· Damnit, it's your duty to get married. You can't always be living for pleasure. – Oscar Wilde.
· Marriage is popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity. – George Bernard Shaw.
· Marriage is like the witness protection programme; you get all new clothes, you live in the suburbs and you're not allowed to see your friends anymore. – Jeremy Hardy.
· I don't believe that people would ever fall in love or want to be married if they hadn't been told about it. It's like abroad: no one would want to go there if they hadn't been told it existed. – Evelyn Waugh.
· I was engaged to a contortionist but she broke it off. - Les Dawson.
Tailpiece
TWO military veterans are chatting in a bar.
"When did you last make love to a woman?"
"Er, 1957."
"My goodness, that's a long time ago."
"Not really, it's only five past eight now."
Last word
Charm is a way of getting the answer yes without asking a clear question.
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