The Idler, Thursday, May 4, 2018

Women's boxing – some questions

 

ON AN OVERSEAS TV channel the other night, they were extolling women's boxing, portraying it as yet another area where the fairer sex have managed to overcome centuries of exclusion and have at last received recognition.

 

Is this not a little overblown? Are there really women – apart from the boxers themselves – who relish the opportunity to smack one another on the nose?

 

It's odd but women's wrestling can be entertaining. It's harmless and the gals do get into some amazing contortions.

This is from a male perspective, of course, and life dictates a fair amount of male-female wrestling anyway, so there's some familiarity.

But boxing? It's even worse than women's rugby, where one flinches as some gorgeous female flings herself across the tryline. There's so much extra to get in the way.

I'd better cease this line of thought, which I realise is out of kilter with contemporary norms, before I walk into a right cross from some angry damsel. But at least I haven't used the term "un-ladylike". That would activate the mob.

 

Brexit boxing

 

MIND you, female boxing is nothing compared with what could be coming in the British cabinet over the Brexit issue.

 

The House of Lords has amended the bill providing for Brexit, specifying that Britain should remain in a customs union with the EU. Tory anti-Brexiteers want to support the amendment.

The Brexiteers are furious and say if that happens they'll themselves vote against Theresa May's Brexit deal, bring down the government.

This is kick-boxing, cage fighting, no holds barred, men and women. Watch this space!

 

Tree bark booze

 

This here's the wattle,

The emblem of our land.

You can stick it in a bottle,

You can hold it in your hand …

 

THE lines come from the philosophy faculty of the University of Wallamaloo, Australia, in Monty Python's Flying circus. But if Japanese scientists are correct, the wattle could become the bottle.

The scientists, from Japan's Forestry and Forest Products Research Institute, say they have discovered a way to produce alcoholic drinks from tree bark.

The alcohol, they say, tastes similar to drinks fermented in wooden casks and could be on sale in three years' time. It retains flavours of the trees from which it is made. So far they've used cedar, birch and cherry trees.

Cherry sounds OK but the others rather uninteresting. Stinkblaar is a definite no-no.

 

Court exchanges

 

SOME exerpts come this way from Disorder in the Courts, a book drawn from American court records:

·       Attorney: "What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?"

Witness: "He said: 'Where am I Cathy?'"

Attorney: "And why did that upset you?"

Witness: "My name is Susan!"

·       Attorney: "What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?"

Witness: "Gucci sweats and Reeboks."

·       Attorney: "Are you sexually active?"

Witness: "No, I just lie there."

·       Attorney: "What is your date of birth?"

Witness: "July 18."

Attorney: "What year?"

Witness: "Every year".

·       Attorney: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?"

Witness: "Yes."

Attorney: "And in what way does it affect your memory?"

Witness: "I forget."

Attorney: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?"

·       Attorney: "Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

Witness: "Did you actually pass the bar exam?"

·       Attorney: "So the date of conception of the baby was August 8?"

Witness: "Yes"

Attorney: "And what were you doing then?"

Witness: "Getting laid."

·       Attorney: "Can you describe the individual?"

Witness: He was about medium height and had a beard."

Attorney: "Was this a male or a female?"

Witness: "Unless the circus was in town I'm going with male."

·       Attorney: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"

Witness: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

·       Attorney: "Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?"

Witness: "All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight."

 

Tailpiece

 

THERE was this dyslexic pimp. He was running a warehouse.

 

Last word

What is youth except a man or a woman before it is ready or fit to be seen?

Evelyn Waugh