The Idler, Monday, May 28, 2018

Remember the Alamo!

ALL is not lost. We're still in the hunt. The Sharks went down to the Jaguares, away in Buenos Aires, in an absolute bruiser of a match, but there was much in our performance from which to take heart, especially some ferocious tackling and some great off-loading.

Three missed penalties could have made all the difference. There was a moment when we seemed to have scored another try to take the lead, but the ball turned out to have been knocked on.

After that things unravelled somewhat as we started running out of time. But that's showbiz. More is nog 'n dag. We next meet the hombres here in Durban. Remember the Alamo!

Meanwhile, Florida Road was like Piccadilly Circus on Saturday night as the fans flocked in from far and wide to watch Liverpool versus Real Madrid in the European Champions League Final.

Wedged into a spot in The Pub With No Name I watched the spectacle unfold. What a miserable evening for Liverpool keeper Loris Karius. That routine clearance throw where Real player Karim Benzema just stuck his foot out and sent it back into the goal.

Then that superb semi-backward-somersault kick by Real's Gareth Bale for an unstoppable goal. Then Bale again from far out with a scorcher that Karius got his hands to but just couldn't stop.

But the pub erupted with jubilation at Liverpool's solitary (and at that stage equalising goal). The Zulu barmen were hugging one another with delight. Durban is Scouser country.

 

Number crunching

INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener crunches a few numbers in his latest grumpy newsletter.

"I suppose one needs to be a proper accountant to feel comfortable with numbers quoted to 12 significant figures. That's what is being used in discussions about the likely misuse (misappropriation even) of funds by the dubious characters who were responsible for the social grants programme.

"Apparently, R1 325 538 482.50 has gone missing. A whip-round in the tea-room should raise at least the 50c and save two digits. But it's unlikely that very much more than that will be located let alone repaid."

Still with figures, Greener says a new faux-currency unit has been developed to measure public value that has been lost.

"At this time of robust discussion about who owns what land – a topic which is throwing up its own contributions to foolishness and idiocy - a new and useful faux-currency unit has been introduced to highlight the amount of public value that has been 'lost' by those who were entrusted to use it wisely.

"This is the unit of 'hectares handed over'. And it is based on quite reasonable assumptions about the market prices of land on offer or even already acquired by government, plus set-up costs where necessary.

"It turns out that the public money that went missing/stolen during the Zuma era would have been able to hand over more hectares than there is currently demand for.

"Most of the supporters of the 'Expropriation without Compensation' slogan are probably hoping for a three bedroom two bathroom bungalow on 2 000m² with pool and triple garage in a leafy suburb close to schools and shops.

"Few are that keen on living in the sticks, starting work on a tractor at 4am, waiting for rain and dealing with unpredictable markets for produce."

On love

MORE from Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit. Topic: Love.

·       Where does one look to find eternal love? The English ladies' tennis team scoreboard would be an obvious start. – Humphrey Lyttleton.

·       Love is just a system to get someone to call you darling after sex. – Julian Barnes.

·       The test for true love is whether you can endure the thought of cutting your sweetheart's toenails.

·       I met my husband when I worked in a delicatessen  on the King's Road. He had come in to buy an apple pie. I sold him a meat pie by mistake and we fell in love over a plate of steak and kidney and custard. – Alice Thomas Ellis.

·       My motto is "Love and Let Love" – with the one stipulation that people who love in glasshouses should breathe on the windows. – PG Wodehouse.

 

Tailpiece

PUB dialogue:

"I love you."

"Is that you talking or is it the beer talking?"

"It's me talking to the beer."

Last word

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg