Sunday, May 6, 2018

The Idler, Friday, May 45, 2018

Kiwis pushed off map

THE folk of the Land of the Long White Underpants are feeling a little left out of things. It seems New Zealand is routinely being left off maps of the world.

Greenland is there. North and South America are there. Africa is there. Europe and Asia are there. Australia is there.

Yet the Land of the Long White Nightshirt is not there – New Zealand does not feature.

And, according to Sky News, this omission is true of maps of the world displayed at The Smithsonian Natural History Museum, in Washington; Central Park Zoo, New York; Starbucks everywhere; and Ikea (the furniture shop), just about everywhere.

Why are our Kiwi cousins being ostracised in this way? So seriously is it being taken that it was discussed in a tourism video on the internet by Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern (another lass in the driving seat!) and a fellow named Rhys Darby, who is a cartographer and world affairs analyst who doubles as a comedian.

Darby told Ardern it's a conspiracy bigger than the moon landing and the Loch Ness Monster combined.

The Australians want to steal New Zealand's tourists, the English want to put an end to the All Blacks rugby team and the French are jealous of the Kiwi wine industry.

"We're a bit of a fiddly looking shaped country, a bit like a half-eaten lamb chop," he tells the prime minister.

"Perhaps people are just leaving us off, thinking we're a mistake?"

I can see this being pushed from the world map does nothing for the Kiwis' sense of self-worth. But they're doing something about it. A delegation is soon to visit Isipingo to find out how they cope with anonymity.

Battle upfront

MEANWHILE, yet another moment of truth for Kings Park. The Sharks are back from a bye after that great performance against the Stormers. The Otago Highlanders are here after snitching a win from the Bulls with a hooter-time penalty.

Stand by for a battle upfront. How the Highlanders got back in the game last week after being murdered in the scrums is one of those mysteries of rugby. Have they managed to get things right? Our guys no doubt have their own plans in that department.

This will be a big 'un. If our forwards get it right, there could be some electrifying stuff from the backs and Cossack dancing afterwards in the Duikers' Club. Ole, ole, ole!


Dark glasses?


READER Phil Berridge, of Richards Bay, asks why it is that so many cricketers wear dark glasses while fielding, yet never seem to wear them while batting, even though they'd be perfectly protected and safe behind the helmet visor?


Dunno, Phil. Maybe it's because when you're batting you need maximum visual clarity and concentration on the red cherry.

Can anyone out there help us?


Their lordships


BRITAIN'S House of Lords has been in the news lately for its skirmishings with Prime Minister Theresa May over Brexit. Rosemarie Jarski's Great British Wit throws new light.


·       The House of Lords is good evidence of life after death. - Baron Soper.

·       Lord Russell was the first man since Guy Fawkes to enter the Houses of Parliament with an honest intention. – Heathcote Williams.

·       I have been in favour of Lords reform almost since I have been there, because any House which has me in it really needs its head examined. – Earl of Onslow.

·       The House of Lords is a model for how to care for the elderly. – Frank Field.

·       When I gave my big speech in the Lords, the longest letter I received was from a lady who wanted to know where I had bought my blouse. – Baroness Jay.

·       A footnote to a ministerial brief was mistakenly read out in the House of Lords. It read: "This is a rotten argument but it should be good enough for their lordships on a hot summer afternoon." – Lord Home.

·       I don't go to the House of Lords any more. I did go once but a bishop stole my umbrella. – Lord Berners.




PADDY goes for a medical check-up. The doctor is astonished to find banknotes stuffed into his ears. He takes them out and counts them.


"You had exactly one thousand nine hundred and fifty pounds in there."

"Dat sounds about right. I wasn't feelin' two grand."


Last word


Times have not become more violent. They have just become more televised.

Marilyn Manson

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