The Idler, Wednesday, September 7, 2011

What's your poison?

AN AMERICAN has been arrested for biting a snake. No, David Senk, 54, didn't outstrike a rattler or anything as dramatic as that, he just sank his teeth into a pet African python which had been handed to him so he could have a look at it.

It happened at Sacramento, in California, where Senk was on a booze binge at the time. He says he has no recollection of the incident. "I get drunk, I get crazy. I don't know. I've been an alcoholic for a long time."

The badly injured snake underwent surgery and had to be stitched up. It is recovering in an animal sanctuary. Senk is recovering in the local lock-up and faces charges of mutilating an animal.

Kaapse Cockneys

 

RECENTLY we looked at some of the cheeky, off-beat in-flight announcements on low-cost local airline Kulula. Reader Veronica Raaff adds to it with some bits she jotted down on a flight to Cape Town, all delivered by flight attendants in the distinctive idiom and accents of the old District Six.

 

·         Unfortunately it's Sunday morning so we're all babalaas!

·         Fasten your seat belts around those gorgeous hips!

·         Sorry there's no aircon on board so we've provided one for you (He fans his face with the safety info folder).

·         En route to Cape Town we'll be flying over a number of swimming pools, a couple of dams, a river or two, plus a very large sewage pond (He dons the lifejacket).

·         No worries, we have lifejackets - just pull the toggle to inflate and give you that Wonderbra look.

·          In the event of a ditch into the sea, we have provided you with a handy light to shine in the shark's eyes.

·          You all know about the brace position?? Bend forward and kiss your ass goodbye (He makes loud kissing noises).

·         No smoking is allowed in the toilets - CCTVs are installed to catch you if you do, and also for the captain's entertainment.

·         If your copy of our Kulula on-board magazine "Comic Life" is missing, do like we do in South Africa - take your neighbour's copy.

·         (On arrival in Cape Town) Welcome to Mitchell's Plain, my bru! We've enjoyed taking you for a ride.

Yes, the Kaapse outjies really are our Cockneys.

Flying wheelchair

A MICROLIGHT pilot has landed in Australia after flying an astonishing 12 000 miles from Yorkshire to Sydney, over four months. David Sykes flew with a wheelchair strapped to his craft as he is paralysed from the waist down after a motorcycle accident 18 years ago.

 

He flew over 18 countries, crossing oceans, deserts, cities and jungle. He had to cope with dust storms over Saudi Arabia, was nearly shot down over Iran and only just survived a huge storm over Burma.

An amazing feat - all that distance and no drinks trolley!

HERE are some philosophical points to help us through the rough and tumble of life:

 

·         Accept that some days you're the pigeon, some days you're the statue.

·         Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.

·         Drive carefully ... It's not only cars that can be recalled by their Maker.

·         If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

·         If you lend someone R200 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

·         Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, sleep late.

·         When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

·         We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colours, but they all have to live in the same box.

·         Save the earth - it's the only planet with chocolate.

 

Bumper sticker

 

Support bacteria! They're the only culture some people have.

Goodnight, Irene …

MET OFFICE news. As Hurricane Irene ran out of puff, she was downgraded to a British summer.

Tailpiece

A POLE goes to an optician who seats him and points to the bottom line of the chart on the wall, which reads: CZYFHRGRV.

"Can you read this?

"Read it? Doc, I know the guy!"

 

Last word

There is no doubt that the first requirement for a composer is to be dead.

Arthur Honegger