The jargoneers
AMERICA'S Securities and Exchange Commission has issued a statement on its progress in implementing the recommendations of a management consulting firm (an exercise that cost a mere $5 million).
"The agency will focus on assessing the schedule, costs, and management bandwidth required for each initiative; identifying cross-work-stream integration points; and developing a detailed prioritisation and implementation plan that sequences the various implementation activities," it said.
"The process will likely focus on thinking strategically and prioritising the various initiatives. It is critically important to conduct the analysis of the recommendations at the same time: otherwise, the cross-workstream overlaps, integration points and dependencies may not be detected."
Er, yes. But don't forget the vertical access slippage factors, the inverse gearing ratio kick-ins and the interventions of parallax. Ignore those and you could surrender positional adherence – or, as some might say - come unstuck.
Robot runner
A TINY green and white robot, powered by batteries and only about 20 cm tall, is to tackle the 143km Iron Man Triathlon course in Hawaii next month.
The automaton, named Evolta, has already scaled the cliff walls of the Grand Canyon and driven the course of the 24-hour Le Mans race. In Hawaii it will run, swim and ride a miniature bicycle.
Will we next see Evolta tackling Polly Shorts in the Comrades? Canoeing down the Dusi? Anything's possible these days. But the point of these exercises escapes me. Maybe they're trying to frighten the leprechauns.
Common Sense
AN ITEM has been circulating in cyberspace for some time, purportedly an obituary that appeared in The Times, of London. Whether that is so or not I cannot tell. But in the light of the London riots it's worth looking at.
"Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense , who has been with us for many years. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as: knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; that life isn't always fair; and that maybe it was my fault.
"Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).
"His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.
"Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.
"He declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a pupil became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.
"Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.
"Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.
"Common Sense finally gave up the will to live after a woman failed to realise that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.
"Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.
"He is survived by his four stepbrothers: I Know My Rights; I Want It Now; Someone Else Is To Blame; and I'm A Victim."
Tailpiece
IT'S A DARK bar. This fellow leans across and says to a large woman sitting there: "Pssst! You wanna hear a funny blonde joke?"
Large woman: "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. I'm blonde, six feet tall, 210lb and a professional triathlete and bodybuilder. The blonde girl next to me is six feet two inches, she weighs 220lb and she's an ex-professional wrestler. Next to her is a blonde who's six feet five, weighs 250lb and she's a current professional kick-boxer. Do you still want to tell that blonde joke?"
Fellow: "Not if I've got to explain it three times."
Last word
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
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