In the balance
THE GREAT psych-op against the Kiwis hangs in the balance. For weeks now we've been softening them up with derogatory e-mails, playing on their insecurity and near-paranoia at the faintest prospect of their failing yet again to win the Rugby World Cup, this time at home.
They're a bundle of nerves. They've developed a psychosis about the French, who have twice tripped them up, once in the semi-finals and once in the quarters. That's why our e-mails tend to start with a volley of French jeers: "Zut! Alors! Les All Blacks sont un groupe femmes delicates! Victoire dans le World Cup? Ha, ha, ha, tres drole!"
And then the killer punch, the statistical certainty spat out by a computer into which every bit of available data has been fed: the All Blacks won the BledisloeCup (between themselves and Australia); the Aussies won the Tri-Nations. The next bit of silverware has to go to the Boks – and that's the William Webb Ellis Trophy. This will have the Kiwis wetting their pants.
Except the Boks have to come to the party. Last weekend they didn't. I was so much reminded of club rugby in the lower leagues in days of yore when an old fellow named Uncle Dick used to give an earnest talk before the game: "If you want to win, you've got to score. To score you need possession. To have possession you need the ball."
It seems blindingly obvious, but I wish somebody had whispered it to the Boks before the Wales game.
And Fiji tomorrow. Let them establish their pattern of play and they'll run us ragged. We have to force our own pattern on the game. But do we have a pattern?
A good start would be to follow Uncle Dick's advice.
Phantom cats
CATS THAT glow green in the dark ... this is the latest scientific advance of our age. Scientists in Britain have bred these luminous cats by injecting their mothers' DNA with the gene of a fluorescent jellyfish.
One has feelings of disquiet. How close have we not come to the Academy of Laputa, in Jonathan Swift's Gulliver's Travels, where a scientist spent eight years researching the extraction of sunbeams from cucumbers so they could be placed in hermetically sealed vials and let out to warm the air during cold summers?
Next they'll develop a cat that smiles then disappears, leaving behind nothing but the smile. I understand they're working on it in Cheshire.
Space junk odds
INVESTMENT analyst Dr James Greener notes in his latest grumpy newsletter that a long defunct and derelict US satellite is falling back to earth.
"Nasa has stated that the chance of being hit by a piece of this space junk is extremely small. Nevertheless the quoted odds of 1 in 3 200 are either hopelessly wrong or worth a bet. Winning the lottery is 5 000 times less likely."
He advises a hard hat. But space junk hurtling at you? Even with a hard hat would you be still there to collect your winnings?
Maybe one should bet on it hitting somebody else. No, I didn't say Julius Malema.
Bone to pick
IAN GIBSON, poet laureate of Hillcrest, draws inspiration from Ogden Nash in lamenting the Springboks' lack-lustre performance against Wales.
I have a bone to pick with Snor,
Pitch up and tell me Peter,
Were our boys just over eager,
Or simply old and sore?
Snor, of course, is coach Peter de Villiers of the magnificent moustache. What Ogden Nash wrote was:
I have a bone to pick with fate,
Come here and tell me girlie,
Do you think my mind is maturing late
Or simply rotted early?
Tailpiece
AN AUSTRALIAN schoolteacher asks her class to raise their hands if they're Wallabies fans. All do so except one little girl.
Teacher: "Janie, why don't you raise your hand?"
Janie: "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan."
Teacher: "Then who are you a fan of?"
Janie: "The Springboks. My mum is a Springboks fan, and my dad is too."
Teacher: "You don't have to be just like your parents. What if your mum were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?"
Janie: "A Wallabies fan."
Last word
I may not have been very tall or very athletic, but the one thing I did have was the most effective backside in world rugby. - Jim Glennon
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