The concert of Europe
THE EURO is in trouble as a currency. The House of Commons is incensed that a ruling by the European Court of Justice in Strasbourg should give jailbirds the vote in Britain. There are all kinds of mutterings against the European Union. One Fleet Street newspaper demands outright that Britain should withdraw.
But Europhiles can take heart. The European project ploughs ahead. Brussels has now come up with the Official European joke. Here it is:
European paradise: You are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by an Englishman. Food is prepared by a Frenchman, an Italian puts you in the mood and everything is organised by a German.
European hell:You are invited to an official lunch. You are welcomed by a Frenchman. The food is prepared by an Englishman, a German puts you in the mood but, don't worry, everything is organised by an Italian.
The joke was proposed by a Belgian as the Official European Joke. It is intended that it will improve the relationship between the nations as well as promote Europeans' self humour and culture.
The European Council met to make a decision. Should the joke be the Official European Joke or should it not?
The British representative announced with a very serious face, and without moving his jaw, that the joke was absolutely hilarious.
The French representative protested because France was depicted in a bad way in the joke. He explained that a joke cannot be funny if it is against France.
Poland also protested because the Poles were not depicted in the joke.
Luxembourg asked who would hold the copyright on the joke. The Swedish representative didn't say a word, but looked at everyone with a twisted smile.
Denmark asked where the explicit sexual reference was. If it's a joke, there should be one, shouldn't there?
The Netherlands didn't get the joke, while Portugal didn't understand what a joke is. Was it a new concept?
Spain said the joke is funny only if you know that the lunch is at 1pm, which is normally breakfast time. Greece complained that they were not aware of the lunch, that they missed an occasion to have some free food, that they were always forgotten. Romania then asked what a "lunch" is.
Lithuania and Latvia complained that their translations were inverted, which is unacceptable even if it happens all the time. Slovenia told them that its own translation was completely forgotten, yet they do not make a fuss.
Slovakia announced that, unless the joke is about a little duck and a plumber, there is a mistake in their translation. The British representative said the duck and plumber story seemed very funny too.
Hungary had not yet finished reading the 120 pages of its own translation.
Then the Belgian representative asked if the Belgian who proposed the joke was Flemish- speaking or French-speaking. In one case he would of course support a compatriot but in the other he would have to refuse it, regardless of the quality of the joke.
You can't stop the forces of history. A united Europe is on its way.
Limerick season
THE LIMERICKS keep rolling in. This one is from Brian Clarke.
There was a man from Dundee
Who got stung on the neck by a wasp;
When they asked did it hurt
He said, 'Not a bit
It can do it again if it likes.'
This is very clever, based on the original 19th century Edward Lear limerick in which the man from Dundee gets stung on the neck by a bee and everything rhymes perfectly.
But how the Dickens does Brian Clarke know I come from Dundee?
Strange woman
A GRANDMOTHER put her grandchildren to bed then changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more boisterous her patience grew thin.
She threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice: "Who was that?"
Tailpiece
She: "How many women have you slept with?"
He: "Only you, Darling. With all the others I was awake."
Hospital visiting hours: 10am to 8pm.
Last word
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, "I'm from the government and I'm here to help."
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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