The vagaries of language
A READER sends in this lament on the vagaries of the English language:
We'll begin with a box, and the plural is boxes,
But the plural of ox becomes oxen, not oxes.
One fowl is a goose, but two are called geese,
Yet the plural of moose should never be meese.
You may find a lone mouse or a nest full of mice,
Yet the plural of house is houses, not hice.
If the plural of man is always called men,
Why shouldn't the plural of pan be called pen?
If I speak of my foot and show you my feet,
And I give you a boot, would a pair be called beet?
If one is a tooth and a whole set are teeth,
Why shouldn't the plural of booth be called beeth?
Then one may be that, and there would be those,
Yet hat in the plural would never be hose,
And the plural of cat is cats, not cose.
We speak of a brother and also of brethren,
But though we say mother, we never say methren.
Then the masculine pronouns are he, his and him,
But imagine the feminine: she, shis and shim!
Our reader then shifts into prose.
"Let's face it - English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren't invented in England.
"We take English for granted, but if we explore its paradoxes we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
"And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
"Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?
"If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
"Sometimes I think all the folk who grew up speaking English should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what other language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
"We ship by truck but send cargo by ship. We have noses that run and feet that smell. We park in a driveway and drive in a parkway. And how can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
"You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.
"And if Father is Pop, how come Mother's not Mop?"
There's no simple answer. You see, English is a hybrid language. There were the Angles and the Saxons. Then there were the Vikings. Then the Norman-French, who were French but not quite French because they also had Norse in them. Then there were the Vikings again. They all brought their languages. Then there was Hollywood. Then the Australians colonised England. It's an ever-evolving process.
Practical example
PERHAPS another practical example of the vagaries is appropriate. A Frenchman is complaining:
"I am playing poker wiz two Englishmen and an Englishwoman. One of ze Englishmen wins a hand and his compatriot says: 'You lucky dog!' Zen ze ozzer Englishman wins a hand and the ze first responds ze same: 'You lucky dog!'
"Zen ze Englishwoman wins a hand and I say: 'You lucky bitch!'
"Zen zey all want to punch me on ze nose. Inexplicable! Les Anglais! Zut! Alors!"
Tailpiece
A BUSINESSMAN is in Boston for a convention and decides a plate of Scrod – the Massachusetts seafood speciality - would be a good idea. He asks the cabbie: "Do you know where I can get Scrod around here?"
"Sure, I know a few places. But I must tell you, it's not often I hear somebody use the third-person pluperfect indicative any more."
Last word
Thought: Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
No comments:
Post a Comment