The Idler, Thursday, February 24, 2011

Free men and women

I'VE MIXED feelings about this motorcyclist in England who was fined after tearing past a speed trap camera, giving it "the finger" as he went by.

Paul Collins, 26, no doubt thought he would get away with it when he made the rude gesture because he was riding without registration plates. But his picture came out so clearly, and his gesture so annoyed the Southampton police, that they scoured the district for him and eventually spotted him. Prosecution followed.

Now obviously it's illegal and undesirable for anyone to break the speed limit or travel without registration plates. Yet at the same time it's a civic duty to make rude gestures to traffic cameras, no matter at what speed. I make a point of doing so myself. I encourage passengers to moon. The authorities need to be constantly reminded that we are free men and women.

My quibble is with the gesture Collins made – "the finger". This is an Americanism - cultural imperialism. What's wrong with the good old Anglo-Saxon "twos-up", which we trace back to Agincourt?

Sometimes you despair.

In the beginning …

 

IT SEEMS the internet has been around a bit longer than many of us imagined.

In ancient Israel it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.

And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband: "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her - as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load - but simply said: "How, dear?"

And Dot replied: "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying,Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was called Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures -  Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and began to siphon off some of Abraham's business. But he was soon discovered, arrested and prosecuted - for insider trading.

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung.They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.

And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates's drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say: "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or e-Bay as it came to be known.He said: "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied: "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. 

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

And that is how it all began.

Tailpiece

THEY met over a romantic candlelit dinner. But it lasted only a wick.

Last word

What we think, or what we know, or what we believe is, in the end, of little consequence. The only consequence is what we do.

John Ruskin

GRAHAM LINSCOTT