These Zululand pranksters
HARDLY have I digested this strange story about the ostrich in Romania that showed the instincts of a homing pigeon by escaping and running back to the farm from which it had been stolen, when I am assailed by an even stranger one.
Jeff Gaisford, of Ezemvelo KZN Wildlife, tells of the occasion when a sucking pig leaped off the platter at a mayoral dinner in Empangeni and ran squealing down the table, scattering wine glasses and plates. Its squeals were in protest at the mayor having jabbed a carving fork into its behind.
How this happened was that some Zululand practical jokers – they infest places like Empangeni – had switched the cooked sucking pig for a real, live piglet which had been sedated with knock-out drops supplied by the local vet. It had also been shaved and garnished with cherries and so forth and had an apple in its mouth.
Jeff doesn't say what the upshot of this incident was. I sense a restiveness about him these days. He retires from Ezemvelo KZN Wildlife next month, after a long and distinguished career, and my guess is that he plans either to put together a collection of such yarns or embark on a new career of practical jokery.
The executive at Ezemvelo would do well to check their offices after he leaves, in case they have been booby-trapped with whoopee cushions, exploding pens and stink bombs.
Trawlermen
AND SPEAKING of yarns, I've had a glimpse of the latest offering by Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe, raconteur), which will no doubt be aired one of these evenings at a St Clement's soiree, which is where local literati and wordsmiths get together now and again to whoop it up.
It's very much a local yarn concerning two trawlermen, Lefty Saaiman and Eenoog Plaatjies, who were persuaded by the Devil to pinch the boss's bank bag, containing wages and tonnage bonuses, while he wasn't looking.
They proceeded to get zonked on cheap wine, just a few hundred metres from the scene of the crime and, once they'd spent R20, didn't know what to do with the rest.
I don't want to give away the whole story. Suffice it to say that Spyker Koekemoer writes in the idiom of Herman Charles Bosman. That the trawler boss who forgave and forgot should have ended up dying of Alzheimer's is vintage Bosman.
Jacobs the master
WHO REMEMBERS the wonderful waterfront yarns of WW Jacobs?
"'E 'opped about that bar arf crazy and it took the landlord, 'is brother, two sojers and a 'elpless cripple wot was selling matches to put 'im outside 'til 'e could speak proper English."
The angry hopper had just lost a shilling in a bet over whether he could down a pint of beer in one go. Halfway through, somebody asked the landlord: "Did you poison it or catch it in a trap?"
Lovely stuff!
Grand faux pas
WHOOPS! England seemed well on their way to winning their first Grand Slam in the Six Nations rugby tournament since 2003, until they went down 24-8 to Ireland last weekend.
Now footage has emerged of a video made by Nike, the sponsors, celebrating the Grand Slam – shot while the tournament was still at the halfway stage.
The footage has action shots of several players and ends with the words "Grand Slam Champions 2011" under the red rose of England.
The Rugby Football Union describes the leak as "disappointing" but emphasises that it had nothing to do with having the video made. Embarrassing – but at least England did win the championship, if not with a Grand Slam.
Tailpiece
MICK O'Leary has been married five years and there's no sign of a child. He goes to the doctor. The doctor examines him and tells him he can't find anything wrong.
Mick goes home but, try as he might, he cannot make the wife pregnant.
He goes back to the doctor who examines him again and again can find nothing wrong. He says: "I don't know Mick, all I can recommend is that you consider taking in a lodger".
Off goes Mick and about two months later the doctor meets him in the street. "Hello Mick, how are things going? Did you take my advice?"
"Great, Doctor, says Mick. "The wife's pregnant, and so's the lodger."
Last word
Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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