The Idler, Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Boxing clever

 

STAND by for ructions between the well-intentioned and the involved. Hardly a week seems to go by without sickening reports of rhino being slaughtered for their horn by poachers. It threatens to unravel what has been achieved, in Zululand especially, to rescue these animals from extinction and create a sustainable eco-tourism industry.

 

The poaching is ever more sophisticated – helicopters, radios and Kalashnikov rifles; infiltration of the conservation agencies. Big money is involved, international syndicates.

 

And why? Because Chinese men believe ground-up rhino horn is a powerful aid to male sexual potency. And, as China's economy booms, a new and growing category of male executives with cash at their disposal demands rhino horn to assist in the pursuit of dolly birds. It's a vicious circle.

 

It matters nothing that this is all based on fallacy. Rhino horn is compacted hair. It has the medicinal qualities of, say, toenail clippings. It can do nothing to add oomph to the love life of a Chinese business tycoon. But try telling him that.

 

What's to be done? How do we break that vicious circle? It's time the conservationists boxed clever. Moves are afoot to decriminalise the sale of rhino horn. South African conservation agencies have a stockpile of more than 40 tons of horn, obtained from natural attrition. That's enough to serve the priapic fantasies of China for years to come. The stockpile will continue to be fed by natural attrition.

 

The conservationists want this rhino horn to be made available at a reasonable price that undercuts the poaching syndicates. They envisage a joint venture with Chinese interests, something similar to the way De Beers and the Russians regulate the world supply of diamonds.

 

But they first have to get it past Cites and the bunny-huggers. All hell will break loose. Sometimes it's difficult to know who the real enemies are of conservation - the poachers or the huggers.

 

And it's odd that the whole issue should be based on a phallacy, I mean a fallacy.

 

Infestation

 

THE BRITS are going into a referendum over whether they should stick with the first-past-the-post voting system or whether they should move to the Alternative Vote (as used in Australia), which allows voters to rank their preference.

Prime Minister David Cameron backs the status quo (which favours the Tories and Labour) and Deputy Prime Minister in the coalition Nick Clegg backs AV (which favours his Liberal Democrats and which some say could lead to perpetual coalition government).

No surprises there. But satirical magazine Private Eye has its own take on the political scene. "DOWNING STREET VERMIN SHOCK" reads a headline.

"Leading rats were today shocked at the news that there is an infestation of politicians in Number 10 Downing Street. Said one rat: 'There I was going about my business in London's most prestigious address and then out of the corner I saw a shape that was clearly a conservative MP. It made my flesh creep and I ran screaming and stood on a chair until it went away.'

"This however was not just an isolated incident. Said another rat: 'I was there last week and bold as brass up strolled Nick Clegg as if he owned the place. Can you believe it in this day and age? I thought we'd got rid of that sort of thing years ago.'

"Pest control experts claim it is not surprising that there are politicians in Downing Street. 'They have been known to make their homes in this part of London for years. They are drawn to the filthy conditions and they come up through the sewers. In fact, in Westminster you are never more than six feet away from an elected representative of Parliament.'

"He continued: 'The only way to solve the problem is to bring in a Fatcat, which will distract attention from the politicians because people will find him even more repulsive.'"

Heh, heh, heh! It's the same around the world.

 

Wordplay

SUBTLETIES of vocabulary: the difference between the words "complete" and "finished".

When you marry the right one, you're complete. When you marry the wrong one, you're finished. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you're completely finished.

Tailpiece

 

Letter in an Edinburgh newspaper: "If you don't stop printing jokes about mean Scotsmen, I shall stop borrowing your paper."

 

Last word

 

Take your mind out every now and then and dance on it! - Mark Twain

GRAHAM LINSCOTT