The Idler, Wednesday, February 23, 2011

There was an old man of …

 

LIMERICKS from various sources have been finding their way into this column in recent weeks. More have arrived – one from a village in deepest Suffolk, England; another – plus follow-ons derived from the original – from the burning sands of Araby.

 

It suggests two things: the evergreen appeal of this form of humorous verse; plus the extraordinary reach of this newspaper, in our age of cyber-communications, to people in all kinds of out of the way places.

 

The first, from Suffolk:

 

There was an old gourmand of Crediton

Who ate pate de foie gras having spread it on

A chocolate biscuit.

He boomed, 'Hell, I'll risk it!'

His tomb bears the date that he said it on.

 

The second is from none other than Wordsworth, who some readers will remember as a regular contributor to this newspaper in years gone by. He is now ensconced in one of the Gulf emirates.

Wordsworth describes the limerick as the most sublime and meaningful of all poetic forms. There are for example, innumerable versions of the famous "Nantucket" verse, ranging from the cute to the irredeemably vile. It all started innocuously enough with the following stanza, published years ago in the Princeton Tiger:

There was an Old Man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket;
His daughter, named Nan,
Ran away with a man—
And, as for the bucket, Nantucket

This inspired numerous sequels, the most distinguished of which are believed to be from the Chicago Tribune and the New York Press, respectively:

Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket
(The man and the girl with the bucket);
And he said to the man,
"You're welcome to Nan,"
But as for the bucket, Pawtucket

Then the pair followed Pa to Manhasset
Where he still held the cash as an asset;
And Nan and the man
Stole the money and ran
And as for the bucket, Manhasset

Nothing like a little good clean fun, says Wordsworth. Unfortunately, things have gone downhill since and current versions of the Nantucket limerick just don't belong in a family newspaper.

Quite so. Yet, as George Bernard Shaw himself maintained, obscenity is an essential feature of the limerick as folk poetry. And as somebody else wrote:

The limerick packs laughs anatomical

Into space that is quite economical;

The best that I've seen

So seldom are clean,

And the clean ones so seldom are comical.

Perhaps the real allure of the limerick lies in clever borderline wit, as in this old favourite:

A handsome young widow named Ransome

Was ravished three times in a hansom;

When she cried out for more

A voice from the floor

Said, 'Lady, I'm Simpson not Samson.'

 

 

Pyramid ploy

NEWS from Egypt. The new Government has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality.

 

It's known as Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em.

Eternal roundabout

 

BOSS to secretary: "For a week we'll go abroad for a meeting, so make arrangements".

Secretary to husband: "For a week my boss and I will be going abroad. You look after yourself".

Husband to secret lover: "My wife is going abroad for a week, so let's spend the week together."

Secret lover to small boy to whom she is giving private tuition: "I have work for a week, so you need not come for class."

Small boy to grandfather: "Grandpa, for a week I don't have class 'cos my teacher is busy. Let's spend the week together."

Grandpa (who in fact is The Boss) to secretary: "Cancel that meeting abroad. This week I'm spending time with my grandson."

 

Secretary to husband: "This week my boss has some work, so we cancelled our trip."

Husband to secret lover: "We can't spend this week together; my wife has cancelled her trip."

Secret lover to small boy: "We'll have class as usual."

 

Small boy to grandfather: "Grandpa, my teacher now says this week I have to attend class. Sorry."

Boss to secretary: "We will attend that meeting abroad after all. Make arrangements ..."

 

Tailpiece

DID YOU HEAR about the Scottish pervert? He kept making obscene telephone calls – and reversing the charges.

Last word

 

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

Don Marquis

GRAHAM LINSCOTT