How harsh is this red card?
A FOOTBALLER has been red-carded in England for tackling a streaker who invaded the pitch. It has caused huge indignation.
It was a lower league match between Dorchester and Havant and Waterlooville. They were tied at 1-1 in the 70th minute when the streaker ran on, wearing a kind of male G-string and a curly black wig.
The stewards seemed a bit slow off the mark so Dorchester player Ashley Vickers tackled him near the centre spot (presumably a rugby tackle).
The stewards came and thanked him, then the referee came up and red-carded him for violent conduct. "It beggars belief," says Vickers. "My only thought was to get on with the game."
Currie Cup
THE ABOVE recalls that Currie Cup match between Free State and Western Province when a streaker ran on to the field and tackled a Province player as he was about to score a try. It cost province a place in the Currie Cup semi-final.
The SABC used to ignore streakers. Cameras would be turned away from them. But this couldn't be ignored.
Listeners to Afrikaans radio were startled to suddenly hear: "En hy word deur die kaal man gevat!" ("And he's tackled by the naked man.")
Skande! The unscored try, I mean.
Alphabet soup
IT SEEMS the old "A is for apple" alphabet that we learned as children has been updated it. It now goes:
A is for Apple (no change there); B id for Blackberry; C is for – Chatting; D is for – Download; E is for E-mail; F is for Facebook; G is for Google; H is for Hotmail; I is for i-Tunes; J is for Java; K is for Kapersky; L is for Laptop; M is for Microsoft; N is for Nintendo; O is for Outlook;P is for Playstation; Q is for Quicktime; R is for RapidShare; S is for Skype; T is for Twitter; U is for USB; V is for Vista; W is for Wikipedia; X is for XP; Y is for YouTube ; Z is for Zorpia.
I'm afraid I don't understand half of it. What on earth is Nintendo? It sounds like a Japanese martial art. Maybe it is.
Palooka presidents
WHO'S the biggest palooka president they've had in the US in recent times? There are all kinds of candidates. George Dubya was a corker, that's for sure, but in my book he doesn't come near the front-runners, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton.
Carter because he was an unbelievably naïve do-gooder who caused more damage with his human rights programme than a bull in a chinashop. As one of his aides drawled when was asked what had become of the president's human rights programme: "Waal, when you're up to your ass in alligators, you kinda forget you set out to drain the swamp …"
Clinton because he had the looks and manner of a brush salesman and he didn't inhale while smoking cannabis as a student (and presumably held his breath during the Monica Lewinsky episode).
Now a story about the transition from Clinton to George Dubya Bush. Bush called at the White House to pay his respects to Clinton. Answering a call of nature, he was astonished to find in the bathroom a gold-plated urinal.
Bush told Laura about this and she mentioned it to Hillary because that night Hillary said to Bill: "I think I've found out who widdled in your saxophone."
Yes, Clinton played the sax, That's about all you can say for him.
More limericks
THE limericks keep rolling in. Here are a couple more from Margaret Greene to kick off the weekend. One is an evergreen traditional
There was a young lady from Wantage
Of whom the Town Surveyor took advantage;
She took him to court
And the charge that he fought
Was for altering the line of her frontage.
Then a look ahead to the municipal elections.
We have a City Manager in Durban
With his sidekick oh so suburban;
They've changed all the names
Of our roads and our lanes,
At the next vote we'll surely disturb 'em.
Tailpiece
I SAW A sign at a petrol station: "Help wanted". Another sign said "Self Service". So I hired myself. Then I made myself boss. I gave myself a salary increase. I paid myself. Then I quit.
Last word
Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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