More Zululand pranks
HOW INFORMATION flashes about the world these days, in nanoseconds. Hardly had yesterday's account hit the streets of the sucking pig which leaped from the platter at a mayoral banquet in Empangeni when word arrived from Australia, of all places, of a similar bit of Zululand prankery.
My correspondent is none other than Jon Penn, my predecessor in producing this column, who is now on the Gold Coast of Australia, where he spends his time looking out to sea and playing the didgeridoo.
He says the Zululand Observer, a paper based in Empangeni (natch!), once ran a report on April 1 about a genetic world first when local scientists managed to cross a rhino with an elephant, producing what they called a "rhinophant". The Observer also published a photograph of the animal (amazing what you can do with Photoshop and the other electronic stuff these days).
It caused a stir world-wide and CNN approached the Observer offering to buy exclusive TV rights.
I'm not sure if Jeff Gaisford, of Ezemvelo KZN Tourism (who brought us the sucking pig story) knows anything about this. Indeed, I suppose it's possible he was behind it.
What it does tell us is that up in Zululand they have a highly developed instinct for practical jokes. Nothing is ever quite what it seems.
That's what I always liked about Stan's Bar in Babanango. One evening I found myself beside a fellow who told me he operated the town's telephone exchange. He was taking shelter from the thunderstorm, he said.
"But there's no thunderstorm."
"There is. Happy hour is from five to six. People can never raise the Babanango exchange between five and six because of the thunderstorm. And I'm always here between five and six, sheltering from it."
That's the Zululand I know.
The real Libya
YOU CAN'T beat the Fleet Street red-top tabloids for an angle. Here is coverage by the Daily Star of the crisis in Libya.
"Desperate Colonel Gaddafi was hiding in a secret desert bunker last night guarded by 40 female virgins.
"The dolled-up bodyguards, supposedly banned from having sex, have sworn an oath to die protecting evil despot Colonel Gaddafi.
"They all wear bright coloured lipstick, jewellery, have polished nails and totter around in high-heels.
"But despite looking harmless, they are said to be armed to the teeth and trained in hand-to-hand combat. The crazed dictator parades them as a symbol of female freedom, but is said to demand sexual favours from them.
"It's claimed the girls, who wear Kalashnikov rifles like Gucci fashion accessories, never leave his side, night or day. Many have given their lives for him.
"The monster has also surrounded himself with mercenaries bribed with gold bullion from a massive personal stash."
What more could you want to know about the political dynamics of the Middle East and the strategic/economic implications of the Libyan conflict?
Tailpiece
A WOMAN treats herself to a facial for her 50th birthday. She feels pretty good about the result.
She asks a newspaper vendor: "How old do you think I am?"
"About 32."
"Nope. I'm exactly 50."
She goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the same question.
"I'd guess about 29," the girl says.
The woman replies with a dazzling smile: "Nope, I'm 50."
She asks the same question in a drugstore, where she buys some mints, and gets the same kind of answer. Then at a bus stop she puts the question to an elderly man who is also waiting.
"Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. Then, and only then, I can tell you exactly how old you are."
They wait in silence on the empty street. Then she says: "What the heck, go ahead!"
He slips both hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. After a couple of minutes of this, she says: "Okay, okay ... how old am I?"
"Madam, you're 50."
"How can you tell?"
"I was standing behind you in McDonald's."
Last word
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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