Political punch-ups
THE VENEZUELANS have found a way to bring parliamentary proceedings directly to the people, make it real. When fist fights break out between MPs, they put it on national television.
It began when Socialist MP Henry Ventura tried to forcibly remove opposition MP Alfonso Marquina from the speaker's podium. They were joined by several other MPs and officials of parliament, who punched and pushed each other for several minutes.
It went out live on all Venezuela's television and radio stations via an obligatory link-up used by the president to broadcast his speeches to the nation.
I recall one punch-up in our National Assembly, but I don't think it was televised.
What would Venezuelan voters rather have? A televised brawl or a speech by the president? What would our voters rather have?
I suspect that the entertainment factor would be decisive.
Headless monk
A WATER ride at a theme park near Thorpe, in Surrey, England, has had to be relocated because of ghostly goings-on. Construction staff say they have encountered strange phenomena, including the apparition of a headless monk.
They have also felt that something is watching over their shoulder; objects have been strangely moved and they experience sudden bouts of icy cold.
A paranormal detection agency has carried out tests and says an ancient burial ground or settlement could have been disturbed. A forensic geophysicist says deep ground radar suggests a burial ground or building – possibly ancient.
But why move the ride? People pay good money to go on the Ghost Train at the fairgrounds, where things leap out at you and shriek. Here they have the real thing.
Women's golf
HERE is a useful glossary of terms in women's golf.
· Double Bogey: Casablanca followed by African Queen.
· Iron: What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
· Good lie: The lady's weight as recorded on her driver's licence.
· Greens: Lunch we eat when we'd rather have a cheeseburger.
· Hole-in-one: Time to get new pantyhose.
· Fairway: Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
· Shaft: You watch the kids while he goes golfing.
· Slice: "No thanks, just a sliver."
· Water hazard: Giving the kids too much to drink before a road trip.
· Chipping time: When we get our nails done again.
High alert
THE world is gripped by tension. The following announcement on world alerts against terror attacks is attributed to John Cleese.
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the Blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.
Terrorists have been recategorised from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the English issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Bluidy hell!" to "Let's get the Bastards!" They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used in the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries!" to "She'll be alright, Mate!" Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!"; "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend"; and "The barbie is cancelled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
Soliloquy
OLD-TIMER'S soliloquy:
"I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. I have bouts with dementia; poor circulation - hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But at least I still have my driver's licence."
Tailpiece
A WOMAN is in an art gallery. One canvas consists of black paint with yellow blobs splattered all over it. The next is a murky grey with drips of purple streaked across. She spots the artist: "I don't understand your paintings," she says.
"I give expression to what's inside me."
"Have you tried immodium?"
Last word
Never give a party if you will be the most interesting person there.
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