| Proposal still on hold THE SEARCH is on for a British soldier who phoned his girlfriend, Samantha, from somewhere outside the country (Afghanistan?), declared his love for her and promised to marry her when he gets back in three months. He left the message on voicemail. The problem is he dialled the wrong number. He got mother-of-three Mrs Diane Potts, of Gateshead, County Durham, who picked up the message when she got home from work. Nobody knows who Samantha is or who the soldier is. They're trying to find out. This is the kind of message that needs to be passed on. The soldier especially needs to be traced. Shellshock is a terrible thing. Think about it READER John Knottenbelt sends in some ponderisms: · Ever wonder about those people who spend money on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: Naïve. · Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a widdling section in a swimming pool? · If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the Jags and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the Bucs, what does that make the Tennessee Titans? · If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes? · If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? · If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, does it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? · Mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks. What do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? · If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? | ||
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Walking tall
EVOLUTION on the march ... a silverback gorilla in a wild animal park in Kent, England, has caused a stir by walking on his hind legs very much like homo sapiens.
The male, called Ambam, is part of a group of endangered western lowland gorillas at Port Lympne Animal Park.
His keeper says his father Bitam used to display the same behaviour. His sister Tamba and another half-sister also sometimes stand and walk in the same way. They're almost human. Gorrillas don't walk like that in the jungle.
The animal rights people surely need to be vigilant. These gorillas are obviously copying the great British public they see every day.
How long before they register for the dole, start disfiguring themselves with tattoos and safety pins and go on binge drinking sprees? They could become football hooligans. How long before one goes into politics and appears in the House of Lords?
Animals should not be exposed to such depravity.
Airline irritations
A READER who calls himself IWJW wants to know why it is that on any airline flight:
· The real fatties are allocated the middle seats?
· The window-seaters are always the last to board?
· The late-comers always have extra carry-on luggage?
· The window-seaters always need the loo halfway through the flight?
· The prices of refreshments are never in round figures, yet the stewardesses never have change?
· The middle-seaters always read a broadsheet newspaper?
· Some people believe we are all interested in their business deals or problems with their boyfriend/husband?
· I always end up sitting just in front of the screaming baby?
· I never end up sitting next to the stunning girl I spotted at the check-in counter?
It's tough, I know, IWJW. But the stunning girl's with me.
Pressure's off
A WOMAN is being interviewed on her 104th birthday.
"What's the best thing about being 104?"
"No more peer pressure."
Tailpiece
AN ATTRACTIVE speech therapist is at the end of her tether with three male patients she is trying to cure of stuttering.
"Look," she says. "If any one of you can say the name of his home town without stuttering, I'll give him a nice big kiss. Now then, Trevor."
"B-b-b-b-b-birmingham."
"No good, I'm afraid. You try, Angus."
"P-p-p-p-p-p-paisely."
"No good either. You try, Paddy."
"London."
"Well done, Paddy. Come here!" She envelops him in a voluptuous and lengthy kiss.
Paddy emerges gasping: "... d-d-d-d-d-derry!"
Last word
In case you're worried about what's going to become of the younger generation, it's going to grow up and start worrying about the younger generation.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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