The Idler, Monday, February 7, 2011

Raining cats and dogs

WHAT exactly is a "perfect storm"? Does it come equipped with thunderbolts, a cyclonic eye, 160km/h winds, blizzards, hailstones and, for good measure, a tsunami?

US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton used the odd expression at the weekend to describe the social/political convulsions that have seized Egypt and Tunisia. Until now it has been used to describe actual weather events - cyclones hitting the Caribbean, the American east coast, Australia and elsewhere.

Yet even in those cases it's an odd expression. What makes a storm "perfect"? A tornado carried off Dorothy Gale for her adventures with the Wicked Witch of the West, the Scarecrow, the Tin Man, the Cowardly Lion and the Wizard of Oz. But it was an ordinary twister - no lightning bolts, hail, sleet or snow, according to the storyline. Was this weather event somehow less than perfect?

Yes, an odd expression. It recalls the old spoof of the BBC weather forecast:

"In North Dorset it will be raining fire and brimstone, scorpions, frogs and lizards! The earth shall shake and open up and swallow whole cities!

"In South Dorset it will be fine and mild."

 

Queen's Engerlish

I'M OBLIGED to reader Eric Hodgson for this guide to correct grammatical usage:

·         Verbs has to agree with their subjects.

·         Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.

·         And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.

·         It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.

·         Avoid cliches like the plague. (They're old hat).

 

·         Always avoid annoying alliteration.

·         Be more or less specific.

·         Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually)
unnecessary.

·         Also, too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.

·         No sentence fragments. No comma splices, run-ons are bad too.

·         Contractions aren't helpful and shouldn't be used.

·         Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.

·         Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.

·         One should never generalise.

·         Comparisons are as bad as cliches.

·         Don't use no double negatives.

·         Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.

·         One-word sentences? Eliminate.

·         Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.

·         The passive voice is to be ignored.

·         Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary. Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.

·         Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.

·         Kill all exclamation points!!!!

·         Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.

·         Understatement is probably not the best way to propose earth shattering ideas.

·         Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.

·         As Ralph Waldo Emerson said: "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."

·         If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times: resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.

·         Puns are for children, not groan readers.

·         Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.

·         Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.

·         Who needs rhetorical questions?

·         Exaggeration is a million times worse than understatement.

·         Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Thank you, Eric. I won't never mangle the Queen's Engerlish again if I can help it.

Red lights

HAVE we found the answer to the mystery red lights over Durban? Various readers have reported seeing a dozen or so red lights in the night sky over the Durban North/Umhlanga area, moving silently but steadily toward the city. They say they looked like balloons but with a red flame inside.

Reader Ian Gielenk says he also saw them. The flames gave out as they passed over the city but, silhouetted against the clouds, he could still see what had been holding them.

His son, Andrew, had the answer. You can buy hot air balloons, made of paper, that float up into the sky with a bright red light burning. They are often released at weddings.

Now he mentions it, I think I saw the very thing being launched at the beachfront during the Football World Cup.

Tailpiece

THE DIFFERENCE between stress, tension and panic. Stress is when your wife is pregnant. Tension is when your girlfriend is pregnant. Panic is when they're both pregnant.

Last word

I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.

August Strindberg

 

GRAHAM LINSCOTT