The magic ingredient of success
AFTER last night's state of the nation speech, who can doubt that great things lie ahead? How many million more new jobs will be created? Will the government indeed take over the HR functions of the private sector?
I've had my ear to the ground for some time now. Big things are starting to roll. Yet there still are scoffers and doubters who say JZ cannot deliver the goods. To them I respond: Magic mushrooms!
I'm sure the President is going to overshoot his job-creation target by millions.
Magic mushrooms! Sprinkle them on your cornflakes!
I'm sure the Employment Services Bill, when it becomes law, will cause zillions to flow into the country as foreign investors are relieved by the government of the irksome responsibility to recruit and choose their own management and workforce.
Magic mushrooms! Put them in your pipe and smoke it!
I'm sure the complete and total elimination of corruption in government and the resuscitation of bankrupt municipal councils in various parts of the country - including our own capital - is imminent.
Magic mushrooms! Put them in your cookie mix!
In fact I know South Africa is about to win the Cricket World Cup, the Rugby World Cup and at least 20 gold medals at the next Olympics. National morale is set to soar.
Magic mushrooms! Grind them up and use them as snuff!
I hear objections from the curmudgeons among you that magic mushrooms are a hallucinatory drug. That they detach users from reality.
But what's reality? And how else are we supposed to get through the year?
Misspelling
Beryl Lakin, of Uvongo, points out that a recent Tailpiece misspelled the name of a Welsh village as Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogoch.
"Two letters have been omitted," she says. "It should end 'gogogoch', meaning 'red cave'."
I am happy to correct this. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch it is.
Freeway signs
MASTER blogger Spyker Koekemoer (aka Pat Smythe) notes that the illuminated freeway signs carried a message of great import this week: "Freeways under camera surveillance."
"Good news," he says. "We can rest easy. That should stop those bastards who steal our freeways."
Hated figure
THE ALLEGED telephone hacking scandal by newspapers of Australian proprietor Rupert Murdoch's News International stable continues to make waves in Britain.
Satirical magazine Private Eye has Murdoch on the front cover saying: "I overhear what you're saying …"
Inside, an item under a masthead "Daily Cairograph" is headed: "Hated Dictator Clings To Power But For How Long?"
"As his empire crumbles around his ears the 80-year-old dictator Rupah Murdarok, who for over 30 years has ruled with an iron rod, is staring into the abyss.
"As even his loyal lieutenants begin to fall out, the man they call 'Al Diggah' is facing a popular uprising, with thousands of celebrities now insisting that his regime of secret surveillance and intimidation must end.
"Murdarok tried to appease his critics by suggesting a hand over of power to his equally hated son James but to no avail
"Said one celebrity: 'All we want is for Murdarok to go and take his ghastly family with him.'
"Murdarok is believe to have amassed an enormous fortune, much of it deposited in American banks. If he chose to flee he would still have many friends in America …"
Oh, lovely stuff!
Limerick (1)
ANOTHER trick limerick, sent in by Tim Dodson:
There was a young student of Caius
Who passed his exams with a squaius,
Ere dissecting at St Bartholomew's
Inward St Partholomews such as St Hartholomews
To discover the cause of disaius.
Standard pronunciation of Caius College: "Keys".
St Bartholomew's Hospital, London: known as "Bart's".
Limerick (2)
IAN GIBSON, poet laureate of Hillcrest, comments on Lydia Weight's eventual discovery of the lines to the limerick about the man on the flying trapeze.
The limerick researcher called Lydia,
Has found the lines that eluded her;
But her mediaeval rhymes
Don't chime with our times,
So we're back to square one, dear Lydia.
Tailpiece
THE DIFFERENCE between a backpacker and a tramp: with the backpacker it's a vacation, with the tramp it's a vocation.
Last word
I have only one superstition. I touch all the bases when I hit a home run.
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