Survivor pushes the limits
REALITY television makes a quantum leap with the next Survivor series, which will be especially gruelling.
According to a pre-release, six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and three kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and take either music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his three kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry and pay a list of "pretend" bills with not enough money.
In addition each man will have to budget enough money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives and send cards out on time - no e-mailing.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor's appointment, a dentist appointment and a haircut appointment.
He must make cookies or cupcakes for a school function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will have access to television
only when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
The men must shave their legs, wear make-up daily, adorn themselves with jewellery, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes and keep fingernails polished and eyebrows groomed
During one of the six weeks the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, backaches and headaches; have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties.
They must attend weekly school meetings and church,
and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
They will need to read a book to the kids each night and in the morning feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair by 7.30 am.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know
all of the following information: each child's birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor's name; also the child's weight at birth, time of birth, and length of labour; plus each child's favourite colour, middle name, favourite snack, favourite song, favourite drink, favourite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment's notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18 to 25 years, eventually earning the right to be called ... Mother!
This comes from the address of an Mtunzini couple called Jen and Stuart McCallum. My guess is that it was sent by Jen.
Going ape
READER Brian Clarke says this week's story about the orang-utan who stood in for the RAF pilot in Burma during World War II is one of those classics that will live on forever.
"We air navigators (back seat drivers) in the South African Air Force during World War II and our pilots (air frame drivers) often indulged in leg pulling. The orang-utan story came into it, but with a different ending to yours.
"In our story the pilot was indeed cashiered and the orang-utan became a qualified pilot."
Classy dining
I AGREE with those who have been expressing disgust at the practice by high-flying restaurateur Kenneth Kunene of eating sushi off the bodies of semi-naked women.
Sushi is horrible food. It's raw fish and the best that can be done with it is for a hook to be threaded through it on the end of a steel trace, so it can be cast into the sea to catch a shad.
If you seek nourishment off the body of a semi-naked beauty, you can't do better than strategically place sprinklings of biltong slices and perhaps onion rings.
Complement this with a navel topped up with Guinness and you have a feast fit for the gods. This is true nourishment, taken with style!
Tailpiece
Chinese bartender: "What'll it be?"
Customer: "A Stoli with a twist."
Chinese bartender: "Hokay. Once upon a time there were thlee little peegs ..."
Last word
I spent a lot of money on booze, birds and fast cars. The rest I just squandered.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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