Paying Prince William's lobola
IT'S A NICE gesture by Kulula airline to pay Prince William's lobola. In keeping with cultural practices from this far-flung part of the Commonwealth, they have announced their intention to buy a herd of cattle and present them to Kate Middleton's parents as the bride price.
It would be wonderful if the gift could be in traditional Nguni cattle – those pretty little animals with creamy, dark-flecked coats, perfectly symmetrical horn formation and such soulful eyes – but there seem to be veterinary complications. Kulula will instead buy a small local herd in Britain.
They must surely go for Chillingham Whites, those wild cattle found in Northumberland, similar in ways to our Ngunis – except they have terrible tempers. They're not much bigger than Shetland ponies but full of vim. They will charge on sight from 500m and have the interloper scrambling over a fence with his trousers torn – if he's lucky. Those are the cows. The bulls are more irascible.
It will be a wonderfully practical gift to the Middleton parents. They live in the wilds of Surrey or Sussex, or some such place, and they are bound to have swarms of loathsome paparazzi poking their lenses over garden walls and creeping about in the shrubbery.
There's nothing better calculated to discourage paparazzi than the horns of a Chillingham White exploring the groin region of their denims. A splendidly practical gift indeed.
Nguni precedent
THERE are precedents. A few years ago when the Commonwealth Conference was held in Durban the then premier, Dr Frank Mdlalose, presented the Queen with a magnificent Nguni bull in a ceremony outside the city hall.
I don't think HM and the Duke took him (the bull, not Dr Frank) back with them on the royal yacht Britannia – probably those veterinary regulations again. As far as I recall, HM presented him in turn to a veterinary research institution. But the thing was highly significant in terms of Zulu culture and tradition.
It's an expression of mutual regard that Kulula does well to keep up.
Stag party
MEANWHILE, the search is on for a local gal to leap out of the cake at William's stag party. Why should KwaZulu-Natal not build on its connections with the British monarchy?
A cultural organisation with which I am associated is seeking sponsorship for the event and very soon we will be holding cake-jumping auditions at a venue to be announced.
We need to assert ourselves within the Commonwealth, punch above our weight. Watch this space!
Royal comic
A ROYAL wedding spawns such things as commemorative coins and tea towels. This one has produced a comic book which traces the romance of William and Kate. Titled Kate and William: A Very Public Love Story, it is written by novelist Rich Johnston and illustrated by Welsh artist Mike Collins and Scottish artist Gary Erskine.
It is very respectful and in good taste. In spite of that, I predict it will outsell the tea towels.
Oriental wisdom
SOME Confucianisms:
· Man who want pretty nurse must be patient.
· Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
· Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
· Man who run in front of car get tired; man who run behind car get exhausted.
· Man who eat prunes get good run for money.
· War not determine who is right, it determine who is left.
· Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
· Man who drive like hell bound to get there.
· Man who stand on toilet high on pot.
· Man who live in glass house should change in basement.
· A lion not cheat on wife, but Tiger Wood!
Clerical errors
A READER reflects on the apparent current woes of our city manager.
A crafty old town clerk named Mike
Finds his fortunes have taken a hike.
His arrogant ways
Have numbered his days
And soon he'll be off on his bike!
"Town clerk"? That's a backhander for you. The title comes from those benighted days when Durban was debt-free, the traffic lights worked, the bus service ran and ... and ... and ...
Tailpiece
THE TWO cheerleaders got married. They met by chants.
Last word
How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?
Albert Einstein
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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