A night of romance
IT'S VALENTINE'S Day and the computers are in danger of crashing from the volume of damsels expressing love and hinting at the desirability of a romantic candle-lit dinner.
This follows last week's exposition of a variation on restaurateur Kenneth Kunene's penchant for dining on sushi off the bodies of near-naked lovelies. My alternative of biltong and onion ring sprinklings, complemented by a navel filled with Guinness, appears to have sent the ladies frantic with excitement.
However, I should point out that I am an inveterate romantic. This is Valentine's Day. Whoever the lucky lady should be tonight, I will sip champagne from her navel. The Guinness I will drink out of her shoe.
Be my Valentine!
Valentinos
GLENDA Slagg, renowned columnist in Private Eye, the British satirical magazine, gives her contribution to Valentine's Day:
"Here they are – Glenda's Valentine Valentinos!!!!
"Mohammed Al Baradei – Egypt's Mr Sex! There'll be no opposition from this gal when you come round for a nuclear inspection!!??
"King George VI – P-p-p-p-p-p-op over to m-m-m-m-my place and I'll give you a f-f-f-f-f-f-un evening (G-g-g-g-g-eddit?!?)"
Aphorisms
KING Farouk of Egypt remarked sadly after his forced abdication in 1952 that soon there would be only five kings: the King of Diamonds, King of Hearts, King of Clubs, King of Spades and King of England.
It's difficult to construct a similar aphorism for the dictator presidents of the contemporary Arab world. But the construction of aphorisms is probably the last thing on the mind of the incumbents in Algeria, Libya and the Yemen.
Stupid
The proposal that the state should operate a data base to match job seekers with job vacancies is an especially stupid idea, says financial analyst Dr James Greener in his latest grumpy newsletter.
"This news appeared alongside the stories that the same government is failing to deal timeously with work permits for a relative handful of applicants and also the project to combine various ratepayer databases in Joburg is not going well. Not only is there ample evidence that government is generally unable to manage this kind of project, the real foolishness lies in the believing that there are jobs to be matched with applicants. Any prospective or potential employer will tell you of the queues outside the gate and the reams of CVs in the in mail. The unemployed know far better than any bureaucrat where there might be a glimmer of hope."
On the house
A MEMBER of the medical fraternity sends in a tip on how to get a free check-up.
"If you can't afford a doctor, go to an airport - you'll get a free X-ray and a pat-down, and if you mention Al Qaeda you get a colonoscopy."
Tailpiece
A LAWYER and a senior citizen are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks the senior if he would like to play a fun game.
The senior is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.
But the lawyer persists . The game is a lot of fun, he says. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only R5. Then you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I pay you R500."
This catches the senior's attention. He agrees to play.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the Earth to the Moon?"
The senior doesn't say a word but reaches into his pocket, pulls out a R5 piece and hands it to the lawyer.
Now it's the senior's turn. He asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he can find on the internet. He sends e-mails to all his smart friends; all to no avail. After an hour of searching, he gives up.
He wakes the senior and hands him R500. The senior pockets the R500 and goes right back to sleep.
But the lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the senior up and asks: "Well, what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"
The senior reaches into his pocket, hands the lawyer R5 and goes back to sleep.
Last word
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~Albert Einstein
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
No comments:
Post a Comment