The Idler, Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Year of the Rabbit

AS CHINA gears up for the Year of the Rabbit – which starts tomorrow – a bunny cartoon has been censored.

A three-minute video on a popular website begins with rabbit babies being poisoned – apparently a reference to a recent toxic milk scandal.

The rabbits are then forced to attend a political meeting with a group of fierce tigers who promise a "harmonious forest" – a jibe at the communists' "harmonious society".

The tigers then set the bunnies on fire and bulldoze their homes, all the while instructing them to remain obedient and "not speak out of turn".

This is not what most of us would call side-splittingly funny; hardly the sort of thing for New Year jollifications. But the satire is so direct and biting that the censors have removed the video from the website.

I guess the Year of the Rabbit is going to be much like the other years.

 

Heartwarming story

 

THE FILM, The King's Speech, has been much in the news lately as a contender for Oscar and other awards. The account of the terrible struggle George VI had to overcome his stutter has touched many.

 

Private Eye, the British satirical magazine, takes up the theme in a review titled: "The Future King's Speech":

 

"The heartwarming royal story of the shy, diffident old man who suddenly has to take on the burden of the throne of England, when he has only been waiting for it for over 60 years.

 

"Poor Charles has an appalling problem with his speech. Every time he opens his mouth, all that comes out is an embarrassing stream of nonsense.

 

"We see him desperately struggling to say something interesting and important that will unite the nation in 'the great war to preserve, you know, this global harmony thingie, that we all, in a very real sense, hope to, you know, ... polar bears ... Indian version of Poundbury ... Chelsea Barracks ... defender of the interfaith ... it really is, what's the word, appalling.'

 

"If only he could manage to say the words that would make him truly popular – 'I am handing over the throne to William'. But would it ever happen?"

 

Cruel – but that's satire

 

 

Art of letters

 

THE ART OF letter-writing has all but disappeared in this digital age. It's pleasing to see it making a small come-back in "Dear John" letters that are doing the rounds. Examples:

 

·         Dear Noah,
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving 'til 5pm.

Sincerely,

Unicorns.

·         Dear Icebergs,
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma's a bitch!
Sincerely,

The Titanic.

·         Dear America,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
Sincerely,

Canada.

·         Dear Boyfriend,
I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you can.
Sincerely,

Spiders.

·         Dear Yahoo,
I've never heard anyone say: "I don't know, let's Yahoo it ..."
Sincerely,

Google.
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·         Dear Justin Bieber,
Ariel would really love her voice back.
Sincerely,

King Triton.

·         Dear Soccer Fans,

B–z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z-z!
Sincerely,

Vuvuzelas.

 

 

·         Dear Prince Charming,
You've got some explaining to do!
Sincerely,

Cinderella, Snow White, Rapunzel, Sleeping Beauty.
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Tailpiece

THREE friends marry women from different parts of the world. The first marries a Filipino. He tells her to do the dishes and house cleaning. It takes a couple of days, but the third day he comes home to a clean house, the dishes washed and put away. The second man marries a Thai. He orders her to do all the cleaning, the dishes and the cooking. The first day sees no results, the second it's better. The third day his house is clean, the dishes are washed and put away and there's a huge dinner on the table. The third man marries a girl from Glasgow .He orders her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and to have hot food on the table for every meal. The first day he sees no results, nor the second; the third day some of the swelling has gone down, he can see a little out of his left eye and his arm is healed enough so he can fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.

 

 

Last word

I can win an argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even invite me.

Dave Barry

GRAHAM LINSCOTT