Slapping, pinching
PRESIDENT Jacob Zuma leaves for Britain today on a state visit. He must be very careful not to get caught up in the slapping and pinching that is beginning to mar public life there.
As mentioned last week, Prime Minister Gordon Brown is being accused of bullying staff at No 10 Downing Street. Accusations that he has seized staff by their lapels and shouted at them - also that he once pushed a stenographer out of her chair - are now followed up by revelations that he also rather roughly pushed a male secretary out of his way.
This is serious stuff. But even more serious is the fact that, since the accusations of bullying surfaced, Brown's Labour Party has significantly closed the gap in the opinion surveys. The Tories, who were a couple of weeks ago in double digits, now appear to be only a couple of percentage points ahead of Labour.
This has ominous implications. The British voter clearly approves of secretaries and typists getting a clip on the ear now and then. Brown will be encouraged in his activities.
Worse, his rival David Cameron has shown himself to be ultra-sensitive to the demands of PR and spin. As an old Etonian, he goes about conspicuously (and embarrassingly) without a tie. He jogs ostentatiously (and again embarrassingly) in the public thoroughfares because the focus groups have told him this is cool.
If it now turns out that people in the marginal constituencies actually approve of a bit of rough stuff on office staff … well, heads will be smacked at Conservative Party HQ. Anything you can do, I can do better. And the same at No 10. Office violence is likely to escalate and intensify.
By the time JZ calls at No 10, it could well be that staff are being routinely defenestrated – thrown out of the windows into the street – as the election campaign intensifies. He will have to look the other way and stand aloof. Slap and tickle is one thing but this is ugly. Make love, not war!
Maths exchange?
WHILE he's there, JZ ought to discuss with Brown the evolution of teaching maths in Britain, with possible application in South Africa as well, where we have a crying need for numeracy and mathematical skills.
British maths teachers have formulated it this way:
· Maths in 1970: A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
· Maths in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is 80 percent of the price. What is his profit?
· Maths in 1990: A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80. How much was his profit?
· Maths in 2000: A logger sells a truckload of timber for £100. His cost of production is £80 and his profit is £20. Your assignment: Underline the figure £20.
· Maths in 2005: A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals. Your assignment: Discuss how the birds and squirrels might feel as the logger cut down their homes just for a measly profit of £20.
· Maths in 2010: A logger is arrested for trying to cut down a tree. He is fined £100. He protests and is fined another £100 because he is an easy target. Returning from court, he finds gypsies have cut down half his wood to build a camp. He tries to throw them off but is prosecuted for harassing an ethnic minority, imprisoned and fined a further £100. While he is in jail the gypsies cut down the rest of his wood and sell it for £100 cash. They depart, leaving behind several tons of rubbish. The forester is arrested for environmental pollution and charged £12 000 for disposal costs. Your assignment: How many times is the logger going to have to be arrested and fined before he realises he is never going to make £20 profit by hard work and gives up, signs onto the dole and lives off the state?
Yes, that seems just the thing for us. Perhaps JZ should consult Julius.
Tailpiece
How do you know if an elephant is hiding in your fridge?
Footprints in the butter.
Last word
This is one of those views which are so absolutely absurd that only very learned men could possibly adopt them.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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