Target marketing
WE LIVE in an age of marketing. Targeted marketing is a key slogan of the advertising industry, trying to sell to the people most likely to buy. But the sellers sometimes choose strange targets.
When the Friends of Music society emerged from the Durban Jewish Centre the other night, after an evening of Schubert, Chopin and Tchaikovsky, says Michael Green, retired editor of our sister newspaper the Daily News, there was a surprise waiting.
Under the windscreen wipers of their cars were cards advertising the following services: Bring back lost lover; penis enlargement and strong erection; promotion at work; all body pains; marriage problems; touch girls and follow; bewitched people; court cases.
The Friends of Music are most of them no longer in the first flush of youth, he says. He doubts whether many are in the market for such services.
"I don't know what the response was - amusement, or indignation. This wasn't targeted marketing, more like ambush marketing."
Cold calling
ANOTHER marketing method is cold calling, when the salesman phones people chosen at random from the directory and tries to sell them a product or service. I've always felt such salesmen deserve a medal for nerve. They are open to the most crushing put-downs.
A classic circulated on the internet recently. Set in the US, it goes something like this.:
Ring, ring!
"Hello."
"Hello. May I speak with Mr Hiram J Beckersly?"
"Who wants him?"
"This is Joe Clark from Encyclopaedia Knowledge Network …"
"Just a second, Joe …" The voice bawls to a third party: "That's it, dust for fingerprints. Photographs. Don't disturb the body …" Then back into the mouthpiece: "Yes, Joe. This is Detective Hennessy. You've just called in to a murder scene. Now don't hang up, I've got your name and we've already traced your call. Now tell me. Why were you calling the deceased?"
"Uh! Er …"
"Are you gay?"
"Wha …?"
"The deceased was a well-known homosexual. Were you his gay lover?"
"Look, there's a misunderstanding. I …"
"Where are you calling from? I want a street address."
Joe gives a business address.
Detective Hennessy bawls again to the third party. "You got that? Get the county police to bring him in for questioning."
Joe: "I think you'd better speak to my supervisor …"
Detective Hennessy: "Who's your supervisor?
Joe: "Mr John H Mooney."
Detective Hennessy (bawls again) : "You got that? Bring in the supervisor also. Name of John H Mooney."
And so it goes on. No sale. A possible career change. Perhaps this could be called ambush consumerism.
Get real!
ARE VISITORS going to be ripped off price-wise when the Fifa World Cup starts? Get real, says Keith Brodie of Amanzimtoti.
"I was in France in 2007 for the Rugby World Cup with my son. We paid an average €210 (R2 100 at the time) for a room which we shared in Paris, and the same in Lille. This was very basic accommodation.
"In Paris we paid €7 for a draught beer. At the first game at Parc de Prince, we arrived at a sidewalk cafe early in the morning and our first beers were €3.50. As soon as the crowds started arriving, the price went to €7. There was also a time on the Seine where we paid €10 for a beer.
"I don't see how our prices can be compared. Nowhere in this country does a beer cost more than R20, even at the most expensive venues. We were paying R70. Our accommodation at €210 equated then to R2 100. There is plenty of accommodation to be had in this country at less than R2 100 per room.
"So stop complaining. Increased prices during major events such as this are normal and in this country, even though the prices have escalated, they will be nowhere near those in France in 2007."
Tailpiece
A COWBOY has back problems. The doctor asks if he's had any accidents recently.
"No sir."
"Really? I thought a cowboy's job was pretty dangerous."
"Sure is. Last week I was kicked by a mule, thrown by a mustang and bit by a snake."
"And you don't call those accidents?"
"No sir. Them varmints done it on purpose."
Last word
Humour is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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