The Pofadder syndrome
ESSEX Girls are hitting back. They're sick of the stereotype of the dumb blonde in white stilettos swigging wine and dancing like crazy in the local palais. They've decided to do something about it. They've formed the Essex Women's Advisory Group (Ewag) to counter the image.
As an Ewag spokeswoman says: "Our girls are bright and fun but then you see them crumble when people ask where they're from. Some won't say or they say something vague like East Anglia."
Yes, I see what she means. It's like if a local girl were to go on a quiz programme or something and say she's from Pofadder. They'd fall about laughing.
Or Ladysmith. Ever since my predecessor, Jack Shepherd-Smith, wrote in this column all those years ago about the beauty contest in Ladysmith that nobody won, the Ladysmith gals have had a hill to climb.
But why Essex? Why are Essex Girls the butt of humour worldwide? Well, it's at least not a sexist thing. You've got to remember that their counterpart – Essex Man – is also a butt of humour.
Essex Man and his Girl are found not across the whole English county but in the region of overspill from the East End of London, with all the Cockney connotations. Essex Man is like a barrow boy on the up and up. Usually self-employed and shrewd, he has the instinct to make a few quid where he can. He has no polish. He absolutely loved Margaret Thatcher.
Essex Girl is simply the female counterpart, except she's flashily feminine and she likes to spend a few quid. But she's bright and she's fun and Ewag want to re-adjust the image.
Ewag's website features role models: a former cheesecake pin-up for the lads' mags; a singer; a former soapie actress; and a TV talent show contestant. The name Ewag is itself a play on WAG (wives and girlfriends of footballers).
Er, hold on. Didn't they say they want a new image?
Off-roaders
A FEMALE reader has had enough of 4X4 drivers and their attitudes. She wants others to join her in a campaign against them.
"I drive an ordinary, run of the mill sedan and am now sick of the attitude of 4 x 4 drivers. Perhaps you could start a manual by asking your readers for suggestion for these drivers. May I start it?"
· In residential areas where the roads are narrow and you take up more than your portion of the road, then YOU go onto the verge. That is what your vehicle is for - off road!
· Do not park in standard parking bays - your vehicle is too wide and when you fling open your door to get in or out or load your groceries (this is why you bought the vehicle no doubt), you damage the ordinary vehicles parked alongside IN THEIR SPACE.
· At stop streets - STAY BACK! You have the advantage of height so there is no need to be first and hence block the vision of drivers alongside you.
· Ordinary vehicles are NOT intimidated by your size so tailgating us is wasted effort on your part. We know the vehicle you drive is part of the penis extension or breast enhancement syndrome.
· Get some dirt on your vehicle - just to show us ordinary folk that you do actually go off-road. You know, across dongas and rivers, sleeping in the wild etc. This is what a 4 x 4 is for - NOT simply to pick up the youngsters from school and load the groceries, or arrive at the office.
"Phew! I feel so much better. Perhaps now I have that off my un-enhanced chest I will stop making rude gestures at 4 x 4s."
Fighting talk!
The fleet's in town
THIS week's mention of the hookers said to be heading for Durban for the World Cup reminds Brian Kennedy of when an American aircraft carrier visited Dublin.
"There were about 3 000 sailors on board. The whores of Dublin could not cope so they sent to Liverpool for a shipload of reinforcements."
Ah, The Leaving of Liverpool.
Tailpiece
I'M GETTING into my car and this guy says: Can you give me a lift?"
I say: "Sure. You look great. The world's your oyster. Go for it!"
Last word
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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