Hello, Buckingham Palace …
ONE IN TEN British schoolchildren believe Queen Elizabeth invented the telephone, according to a survey just released. Three in 10 believe Sir Isaac Newton invented fire.
They're way off beam, of course. Sir Isaac discovered that apples bounce off your head if you sit under an apple tree. The Queen invented the expression: "My husband and I …"
Yet it's touching that so many children should credit their sovereign with being at the cutting edge of technology.
Perhaps it's time for a similar survey among our own schoolchildren.
Who invented phansela dancing? (Predicted outcome: Nelson Mandela – 90 percent).
Who invented the vuvuzela? (Predicted outcome: Jacob Zuma – 90 percent).
Who activated the whoopee cushion? (Predicted outcome: Julius Malema - 99.99 percent).
Piffling theory
SIR ISAAC Newton is a fascinating figure of scientific inquiry. The theory of gravity he developed at Cambridge university he found somewhat piffling; so much so that it took him 30 years to get around to publishing it. He was much more interested in alchemy – the quest to convert base metals into gold.
Once published, his theory of gravity revolutionised science and astronomy. It was the stepping stone from which Einstein eventually developed his theory of relativity.
That's what happens when you sit under apple trees dreaming of converting iron into gold.
Cambridge threesome
NEWTON was named by Lord Todd, of Christ College, as one of the three most brilliant students ever at Cambridge
The others? John Milton, writer of Paradise Lost; and Jan Smuts, later to become prime minister of South Africa, signatory to the League of Nations and United Nations charters, founder of the philosophical school of Holism and, eventually, Chancellor of Cambridge University.
Smuts is still revered world-wide for his intellect. Einstein described him as one of seven people who understood his theory of relativity. His bust stands at Cambridge and tour guides point out the rooms he occupied in college.
But he is not honoured in South Africa. The Nats went out of their way to expunge his memory. In his autobiography, Mandela recognised Smuts's genius, but few if any of the current political elite know or care about him.
They don't even credit him with inventing the telephone.
Ill wind
READER Gray Braatvedt predicts that South Africa will be immortalised by the vuvuzela during the Football World Cup.
"Soccer fans have used various means over the years to amplify their support for their teams, be it visual and vocal - the Mexican Wave - or purely acoustic - the wooden rattle of English football stadiums in the 50s.
"South Africa will be immortalised by the vuvuzela that is best described as 'an ill wind that nobody blows good'."
Yes, I think it was Groucho Marx who first used that expression to describe the oboe. But who are we to interfere with local football tradition? The vuvuzela was invented all of five or six years ago.
Beach brollies
MEANWHILE, we're told they are thinking of issuing beach umbrellas to people taking the sky cart over the arch at the Moses Mabhida stadium, in case it gets stuck again. There's no shade up there.
I think I would prefer taking a beach umbrella to the beach. But perhaps, at a pinch, at the stadium it could be used as a parachute.
Boomer
A READER who calls himself Limerick Len sends in some lines on our prolific president.
Our 67-year-old president Jacob Zuma
Is a man with plenty of vooma.
His kids now total a score
Or perhaps a few more
Giving new meaning to the term "baby boomer".
Cosmetics
ALTERNATIVE definitions of lipstick:
* On her lips: coloring to enhance the beauty of her mouth.
* On his collar: coloring only a tramp would wear.
Keep asking
SOME legitimate questions:
* Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
* Why you never see the headline: "Psychic wins lottery"?
* Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
* Why do doctors call what they do "practice"?
* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
* Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Tailpiece
She: "Darling, I've got good news about the car."
He: "What's that?"
She: "The airbags are working."
Last word
Nothing is really work unless you would rather be doing something else.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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