Ve vill take steppes
RUSSIA is gripped by crisis. The nation reels. President Dmitry Medvedev has spoken and promised that "heads will roll." More trouble in Chechnya? More corruption among the oil oligarchs? Have the secret police overstepped the mark again?
No, it's worse than any of those. Russia's athletes came back from the Winter Olympics in Vancouver with only three gold medals. The Russians are aghast; this has never happened before and they are due to play host for the next games in a few years.
If Bafana Bafana think they're under pressure, here's real pressure.
However, things are probably not quite as literal as they were in Stalin's time. Things have softened, "heads will roll" is no doubt metaphorical. Tough as things no doubt are in Russia, we've progressed since the days of Ivan the Terrible, who had people who displeased him dragged through the streets of Moscow by pigs.
And Ivan wasn't even let down in the Winter Olympics.
Kremlin pinch
WHICH recalls a classic cartoon. A lascivious tsar is pinching the bottom of a female courtier as she leans out of a Kremlin window..
"Oh Ivan," she says. "You are terrible!"
Fowl play?
EVERY now and then you have to say "Whoa!" and pull up short. Sky News had this story about a cock and three hens in Essex, England, who pecked a fox to death.
Owner Michelle Cordell went to the henhouse at her home at Basildon to collect eggs. Inside she found a dead fox. Proudly strutting about were her rooster, named Dude, and the three hens, Izzy Pongo and Pecky, all of them totally unharmed.
Mrs Cordell says the fowls seemed to have dislodged a perch table, which fell on the fox and knocked it out. Then they pecked it to death.
Now Dude, Izzy, Pongo and Pecky are no doubt feisty fowls. Three are speckled, two are Rhode Island reds. But pecking a fox to death? This belongs in the category of "Cat chases dog up tree."
Mrs Cordell found a dead fox in her henhouse. It's still a mystery story, surely.
But let me not be unduly dismissive. Sky News could turn out a lucrative market for a collection of local yarns I've put together under the title: "Tense Tales from the African Bush."
To give an idea: "Dungbeetle defeats elephant in turf stand-off"; "Zebras put pride of lions to flight"; "Ostriches kick wildebeest to death"; "Turtles kill giant crocodile"; and "Guinea fowl peck jackal to death".
Yes, nature is red in tooth and claw.
Riding to hens
MEANWHILE, could the Essex henhouse incident change the face of foxhunting?
Rather spiteful legislation introduced by Labour to hobble the Tory sport makes it illegal to hunt with dogs, though the hunts seem to have somehow got around this in practice.
But will they now meet for a draught of sherry outside the Bull and Bush of a winter's morning before setting off with a rousing "Tally-ho!" across fields, ditches and hedges, following a flock of speckled hens, Rhode Island reds, leghorns and buff Orpingtons? Will they send bantams down the burrows?
D'you ken John Peel with his coat so grey,
D'you ken John Peel at the break of day,
D'you ken John Peel when he's far, far away
With his hens and his horn in the morning …
Tallyho!
ALL OF which recalls the time Van der Merwe went foxhunting in England.
At the party afterwards, the master of the hunt said to him: "Van, old boy, you did splendidly. One thing though. Here we shout: 'Tally-ho the fox!' Not: 'Daar gaat die blerrie jakkals – skiet hom!'"
Great review
INVICTUS, the current film about Nelson Mandela, Francois Pienaar and the 1995 Rugby World Cup, has made it into Private Eye, the British satirical magazine, poking fun at Peter Mandelson, major mover and shaker in the Labour Party.
A film review is headed "Spinvictus".
"Celebrating the extraordinary true story of the world's greatest statesman Peter Mandelason or simply Mandy to his grateful people.
"This film tells how the great statesman emerged from years in isolation to unite his country in hatred of himself."
Eye rating: z-z-z-z-z.
Tailpiece
What do a tornado, a hurricane and a woman have in common?
They get the house in the end.
Last word
Most men are within a finger's breadth of being mad.
GRAHAM LINSCOTT
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