The Idler, Monday, March 1

The real list WE SO EASILY tend these days to be distracted by the doings of the "A-List" people – the folk winning government tenders, pranging Lamborghinis and Ferraris and siring love children – that we miss the simple rhythms of our real heritage. It's a welcome relief therefore to consider this letter originating in the Free State that captures our country's deepest values. "Dearest Koos, "I'm writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your Pa read in the newspaper that almost all accidents happen within 20km of home. So we moved. "I can't send you the address, because the last family who lived here took the house numbers when they moved, so they wouldn't have to change their address. "This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I don't know that it works so well though. Last week I put in a load of clothes and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. "The weather isn't bad here. It rained only twice last week. The first time for four days, and the second time for three days. "About the coat you wanted me to send you. Your Oom Frikkie said it would be too heavy to send in the post with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. "Piet locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. "Your sister had a baby this morning but I don't know what it is yet, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle. "Oom Wessels fell into a whisky vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated. It took five days to put the fire out. "Three of your friends went off a bridge in their oupa's bakkie. I always knew this thing was dangerous. Janneman was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were on the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down. "There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. "Your favourite aunt, "Hanna" Yes, this is definitely B-List stuff. But no more dumb than the A-List. A friend in need WHAT drama some of these TV quiz shows produce. What unbelievable riches for the successful contestants. Word comes in of an absolute cliffhanger on the British "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" programme, where contestants who are slightly stumped are allowed to telephone friends for "lifeline" assistance. Mick, from Dublin, has already won 500 000 pounds. "You've done very well so far," says the presenter. "But for a million pounds you've got only got one lifeline left, allowing you to phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?" "Sure," says Mick. "I'll have a go" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? Sparrow; thrush; magpie; cuckoo. "I haven't a clue." says Mick, ''so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin." He gets through. "Dat's simple, Mick," says Paddy. "It's de cuckoo!" "Are you sure?" "Absolutely!" Mick hangs up and says: "I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer." "Is that your final answer?" "Dat's it, Sor." A long pause, and then the presenter screams: "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won a million pounds!" Sequel: Mick has invited Paddy to their local pub for a drink. "Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was de Cuckoo dat doesn't build its own nest?" "Easy. Everyone knows de cuckoo lives in a clock!"

 

 

Tailpiece

A MEXICAN is being hypnotised.

"You're in the desert," says the hypnotist. "It's really hot and you want a drink."

The Mexican pants and licks his lips.

"Now you're at the North Pole. It's really, really cold."

The Mexican starts to shiver.

"Now you're in the USA. You have a good job, a nice house, healthcare …"

The Mexican opens one eye. "Hey hombre, you waka me up, I smasha your face!"

Last word

 

People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use.

Soren Kierkegaard

GRAHAM LINSCOTT