WELL, here we go again. Four points chalked up from five games, four of which we could have/should have won. That's 16 points we could have/should have had on the board, putting us right up near the top and heading for a semi-final spot. Yet here we languish near the bottom. It's a most perplexing thing when a star-studded side just forgets how to win.
We probably will pull it off tomorrow against Otago. Actually we have a good record at the House of Pain and they will be the ones feeling jetlag, having just returned from Zuid Afrika. We have to win some time. Don't we?
If not, it is definitely a case for Professor Khalid and Dr Maama Aisha, two mystic gentlemen who pushed a leaflet under the windscreen of my car this week. Their impressive skills – derived from Africa, India and Arabia - appear to be what just what our boys need.
Some of what these gentlemen offer is, I imagine, beyond the side's needs. "We make men's penis big and strong permanently" – this does not really address the issue, and I've not heard of any problems in this regard. "Penis or vagina itching all the time" similarly is part not applicable and probably not what is causing us to lose.
But how about: "Do you have a court case you want to win?" Well, not a court case but a rugby match certainly.
"Do you want to win casino?" Yep, the Super-14 is very much a lottery.
"Take away bad luck and give good luck." You said it, buddy. Some of the calls against us have been atrocious bad luck.
"Take away witches." Right on! Takathi is the only way to explain it.
"Bring back stolen and lost items." Again, right on! They're talking about that ref who robbed us in Sydney.
I must send this leaflet round to the NRU.
Meanwhile, Six Nations rugby again lifted the spirits last weekend. Ireland-Wales was an absolute cracker. So was England-Scotland. How nice to see rugby again with eight forwards piling into the ruck on either side instead of being strung out across the field. Fast and error-free too, the backs running onto the ball at speed. Sometimes I think we're losing it in the Super-14.
Scotland played out of their socks and were desperately unlucky only to draw. It brought to mind the first time I saw them play England. It was years ago at Twickenham and they won the Calcutta Cup. Later in a pub down on the Thames their supporters were making merry.
A huge Scot suddenly blocked the doorway. "I'll show ye what I think of England!" he roared. Then he turned round, hitched up his kilt and mooned. 'Twas a horrid sight.
Later I was in conversation at the bar with a very entertaining Irishman, who suddenly whirled round and seized this other fellow by the nose. He hung on grimly, it was like Kipling's story of the elephant and the crocodile. It turned out this other bloke was a pickpocket and he had the Irishman's wallet. We took it off him and the landlord pitched him out so hard he nearly went into the river. Them were the days.
Ireland-Scotland tomorrow, then England-France, Agincourt revisited. They've renamed the Filler – Boots 'n All or something like that – and they've got a stunning blonde waitress who plays the fiddle. See you there!
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